Mind of my Stroked Brain

My Physiotherapist does a particular stretch everyday. He holds my right leg on his right shoulder, holds the knee with his left hand ( so that the leg doesn't bend), holds the foot with his right hand and presses the leg down. Releases it and repeats is few times. If I had voice, the neighbours would have surely complained! It stretches the hamstring, calf, achele's tendon and presses the hip down to the bed (it's a bit out of place) It is not a new routine. From my recollection, he has been doing it for last 1.5 years at least. For the initial many months, I could feel nothing. I used to be distracted with some other thoughts while he went about it. I used to be watching the process like a mannequin's leg being worked on. Now, when he gets to that part (yes, there is a complete pattern everyday), I keep telling myself to relax, but the mind goes bonkers. So what is this pain?  It is the same leg, same muscles and same stretch. The reason is straight forward - the neur

When I am trying to voice, my nurses will say "try louder". When I try to blow the candle, "blow harder, try harder". When I try to speak, "swallow and clear the throat". When I sit, it will be "sit straighter". Etc. Etc. No, I am not complaining. It's not like they are ordering me, they say it gently and I know they are only encouraging me. But I often wonder, What is it that we feel one is "willfully underperforming" first, as against feeling maybe it is "inability to perform". What would be assumed as one's incentive to do so? 

Some days, I feel very sleepy. Not the garden variety, it's the variety of "Tom" of "Tom and Jerry" fame struggling to keep his eyelids open and doesn't succeed even by propping them with matchsticks. It has no apparent reason - I won't be tired/ fatigued, I won't be unwell, I would have slept well prev night, no new routine, no change in diet, no nothing... I may be force-correlating, but I have noticed that soon after (next day types), either I have gained some new ability or lost something. Not any big things, very small, almost unnoticeable stuff. I think it is the brain doing some heavy lifting and wants to shut down everything else. To "hibernate" or run everything else in "power saving mode" I remember when I would get such urges before, I used to shake myself, wash my face, have a coffee, do something and go on... There must have been many times that the brain wanted to do something - and I never gave it a chance to... 

I have sometimes wondered, wouldn't it have been great if only some of the therapies we tried initially worked - like accupunture, sujok, some Ayurvedic medicines, miracle waters, miracle oils, etc.  I have also come across some other therapy or treatment and wondered would it have helped recovery faster. And I have wondered if there was some other treatment, therapy or miracle that we never came across that would have done the trick and hastened the process. Over a long period, I have realised it would have been futile. Every one of them (I think), either worked on some targeted part, the brain or the entire thing - all body. However, the mind was not yet ready or prepared. I don't think any of it would have worked. And I don't think I could have hurried it along as well. It had to go through everything it went through to be here today. I don't know if it has reached a point of preparedness to stop crawling, start to walk, walk faster, jog, run or sprint. But it has to

Disclaimer : This is a controversial note. I am definitely neither for or against anything or anyone. I am not doing 'activism' on behalf of anyone either. It is just a thought that came when I was watching something, so I put it down. I apologise if any sentiment is offended for anyone. ____________________________________ For nature to propagate, Nature probably randomly created the female of the species. And the male was needed (equally randomly I guess) to complete the job.  Not "A" male but "Any" male. Some males end up as a meal after.. So what is marriage? I am guessing it is just an unwritten contact between two individuals driven by some sentiment towards each other. If that sentiment ends, the contact is voided and marriage ends. Very few other species experience that sentiment and stay together. I am guessing, as bigger groups of individuals started staying together, these individual contracts morphed into social contracts. As societies became lar

When I had the stroke, after I could realise what was happening, I found the doctors come every morning and pinch me or create some pain/ discomfort at various places and ask me if could feel it. These were days I could move only the eyes vertically . Couldn't even move them sideways. I was instructed to "look up" for 'yes' and "look down" for 'no'. So there was a lots of looking up. Unfortunately, there was no follow up question "does it pain". So I was easy game every morning. Also, the limited vocabulary didn't allow me to give a full response. The actual response would have been - "yes", "but it doesn't feel the same way as earlier. I can feel when you touch me. But I can't feel the pressure. The touch at the skin level doesn't feel like it used to. If we fall asleep on the hand, and wake up, the hand is numb. If someone touches us, we can feel. But it is a wierd feeling. That's how it feels"

When I think of everything, and do a rough mental math - I cannot do roughly 96% of the things generally done by folks everyday. But there are 4% of the things I am able to do. Browsing and reading things I want to. Using WhatsApp and email to write stuff I want to express and communicate with others. Put on the TV and see what I feel like seeing. Browsing and buying stuff I feel like. Etc., Etc. A short while back, I could do none of those things... Mind and Memory continuously conspire to make me forget the treacherous past and lose focus on the things going well to make the future miserable. "Glass half empty v/s being half full" is a saying I have come across countless times in all situations in my life earlier. Understanding the words is very different from comprehending and appreciating it experientially... 

This was another thought triggered by a conversation my wife recently had with me. (She was just complaining yesterday she Is very weary of speaking in front of me - lest I write something about it. Boy I am going to hear about this. Or not hear about it - to be on the safer side). I have heard in many places how we can manage to cater to 9.x billion lives by 2050. We are already 7.x billion and struggling, stretching all resources and destroying our planet. Blah, blah, blah, "Climate change", blah, blah, blah.... Really? "Our" planet? I don't know the actual numbers, but I am guessing, there are some Trillions of animals. Trillions of birds. Trillions of insects. Trillions of worms. Trillions of fish and aquatic beings. Etc. Etc. And that is only things that can move about. If we include immobile stuff, there are trillions and trillions of shrubs, plants, trees, etc. Humans are in such insignificant numbers, we don't even figure as a relevant percentage. I

I recently was chatting with someone and the saying "when you are given lemons, make lemonade" came up. There are probably many similar meaning memes floating around somewhere in the net.  It's nice , but a bit abstract to relate to for me. From sometime back - I don't exactly know from when, I have developed a kind of Parallel approach. Similar - not same. I can vouch for it though. _________________________ When life throws a curve ball (and it will), And we don't know how to react to it yet, Laugh! It is best to laugh at it first. Laugh at the circumstances, laugh at yourself... Most of the scenarios, resulting consequences, etc. play out only in the mind. It takes some time for the dust to settle down, to be able to see the situation clearly and understand the real consequences, so that we can have a considered response after. Meanwhile, we can amuse ourselves and be entertained ourselves at least...

I watch mostly news, TED talks, cooking videos on YouTube. I watch action and thriller/suspense inclined movies on Netflix, Prime, Disney, etc. I buy and browse certain types of things on Amazon, Myntra,etc I don't go to other SM sites like FB, Insta, Twitter, TicToc etc., But I am fairly certain it is the same. They all know me well enough to dish out a curated list of anything just for me.. If I could eat, by now they would know my likes, dislikes and dietary preferences better than me by now. If I dare stray away, I am chaperoned back by Google.  And they are doing their best to help in a way, so as to navigate through the clutter and get to where I most likely will go anyway. As this curation gets better, I get faster in doing what I want to do, quicker in making up my mind, smarter with what I know, etc. The "algorithms" don't really know me. They are helping my mind focus on things quicker, better, smarter, etc. Yual Noah Harrari predicts these algorithms to be

This thought was triggered by a conversation I had with my wife. To be accurate, a conversation my wife had with me. I had made a video - a sort of collage of photos for my daughter's birthday. It was a fun video. However, making it took a while. Except for the last 3 years, I have a very very huge archive of photos. So I looked through every one of them over many many days, selecting and shortlisting them. During all those days, It brought back memories of all those times all those years. The memories evoked all kinds of emotions - Joy, happiness, sadness, deep sense of loss, etc. Dealing with those emotions and feelings took more time than seeing and shortlisting the photos. We humans have evolved over millions of years. How and why are debatable, but the debate of millions of years has been put to rest. It has been about 200 years since photography was invented and a little over a hundred years for the video. A couple of thousand years of getting portraits painted before that (a

Now, this is not new information. It is just new to me. Why am I writing about it? Because I am happy I found out something which I had taken for granted all along.  Besides, I am bored and nothing else to do... All my life, I have known that we in Bangalore have "tropical" weather. I know it is so because it lies between the two lines (tropic of Capricorn and tropic of Cancer). I had never stopped to ask why the 2 arbitrary lines are there. Surely a km this side or that wouldn't make a big difference to the weather... And it doesn't. They have nothing to do with the weather. The weather is just a consequence of being there.. If we take a long and narrow pole and erect it perfectly vertical, it will form a shadow based on the time of the day (where the sun is) At 12 noon, the sun is directly overhead and there is no shadow.  That is what my textbooks said. The truth is there will still be a shadow depending on the time of the year (tilt of the earth). That shadow at 1

When I was in the hospital after the stroke - maybe 2-3 months after, I could move my left palm. I used to indicate that they, anyone, had to keep my legs apart (shoulder width maybe). I don't know if anyone knows why. It was probably another one of the ocd behaviors. Well not really. Anyone wearing a diaper will know how uncomfortable it is to keep the legs close together. But really did I feel uncomfortable? I have had no feelings there for a very long time. Initially when my neck was not able to lift the head - I couldn't even see the body when lying down. Even now, I am able to feel very little. So I was not feeling anything. I just knew that it would be uncomfortable and I was feeling uncomfortable the way I thought it must feel uncomfortable.  Now, I can see and also feel a bit. It's still uncomfortable. But it's a different uncomfortable. This is what the body is feeling and not the one the mind is making up. I am fed every 2 hrs. If it gets delayed for some reas

Today was (is) my daughter's birthday. Had a good time this evening. Was on the wheelchair for a long time, but it didn't feel like much and I hardly remembered the time. Thinking of it, what is time? Ya I know it's supposed to be relative, there is a scientific model, there is probably a mathematical formula describing it and so on.. But what is it really? How does one imagine it? When I think of it, I can only imagine it coming back to the clock or calendar. The earth rotates once, it is 24hrs. The moon goes around once, it's a fortnight. The earth goes around once, the calendar turns a year. Basically all cyclical events. Only a reference really. Not time itself. Both the clock and calender are very recently man made. What did we think before that. What do all other species think even now? They don't know clocks and calendars... I fall asleep and live a half day's worth of living, but it's only 5 minutes of REM by the clock when I sleep. I get knocked ou

There are many balls bouncing about all the time. When we take a snapshot of this, they all seem stationary.  Some are up, some down, some somewhere... But they are all in motion going up or going down. When it is up, it becomes slow - very hard for the ball to make out if it will continue going up or turn back down. However, for the one that is down, the impact with the ground is unmistakable. Sure, it is at the lowest point. But there is only one direction to go from there. It is very powerful to know that... 

I had gone for a check up today to the hospital. It was an endoscopy test.  Tube with camera goes through the nostril, through the nasal cavity and down to view the throat, Vocal folds etc.  Usual stuff. No fuss there. The fun started after. The doc suggested we do a "Barium swallow test" so as to confirm something before recommending next course of action. Instead of doing the whole exercise of going home, scheduling again and coming all the way again, it made a lot more sense to finish it off the same visit. Some checking and they confirmed we can be accommodated today. So we went to another floor another department. That place is a maze. We need Google maps to find our way anywhere. After getting there , they said it's a quick test. Except I needed a covid negative report. The option was going back or get their rapid test. Logic prevailed again.  Except, we had to go to the emergency department for it. Different floor and some more playing in the maze. It took a while,

Last night, my daughter (the younger one), sat next to me, took my phone and was helping herself on Amazon. I am sure she has seen me and my wife on it many times to ape us. But I was stumped by how comfortable she was with it without being taught formally. Search terms were accurate - some of them I couldn't think of doing, adding to shopping list, moving to the cart, etc. It must be a combination of intuitive interface and comfort with exploring things and learning. I never succeed to get my father to use even WhatsApp. My mother, with her willingness to try, is still apprehensive of it. What happens to us after a while. Even with willingness, the ability to explore and learn goes down or completely goes away... Anyway, back to the main story.. After browsing around for a while, she moved 3 items to the cart and wanted me to buy them. Before that, there was the "Buy Now" button which she very much wanted to hit, she asked me and decided against it. Anyway, 3 items in th

It's very itchy as I am wearing a diaper all the time. And I can't scratch as I am wearing a diaper all the time. It's a bloody "Catch 22". Or to be more accurate, a bloody "unable to Catch 22"!

As far as I know, the bits that we (humans) regenerate are hair, nails and skin. They are strictly not regeneration as its just replenishment of dead cells by more dead cells. Some animals regenerate small and simple things like tails, etc. The only animal (known to man), that regenerates and entire limb if severed, is the Salamander. Skin, Bones, muscles, nervous system, etc - the whole works. A lot of research is being done with the salamander (for a very long time) to understand this. It hasn't gone far yet... For something to grow, for the 1st time, every cell knows what to do because of the DNA. Its a sort of biological reference/ Blue print of what to build. Once done, if there has to be a regrowth, the DNA has the reference, but does the brain instruct what to do? When part of the brain is damaged (due to stroke or trauma or something else), what happens? We are not regrowing anything, but the brain has to reconnect neurons in a different path to do the same thing. There is

I have had mosquitoes sitting on me regularly enjoying their drink uninterrupted. Some places I can feel them, sometimes not, sometimes it itches, etc. But I have got used to them and ignore them for a long time... I have had all sorts of insects. None of them have bitten me. They are amusing to watch. Once in a while, a small spider runs along. I don't know if they bite. Sometimes it itches very much. Ants are a very regular visitors. Don't know if these ones bite either (the small brown variety).  Off late, I can reach some of them - on my abdomen or right hand. But I have got used to them as well and just ignore them. Initially, I don't recollect who had told me, I was told I would feel strange feelings - like burning, ants crawling, etc. on me as the limbs recover. So when I could feel that crawly feeling, I was overjoyed that my hand was healing. I was so disappointed later to see an actual ant taking a stroll. Over time I have got used to it. They don't trouble me

After the stroke, I have been struggling with vision. Blurryness due to increased power, struggle seeing things in shorter distance (just age related I guess - but it got very sudden and accelerated after the stroke), progressive vision disruption in the left eye (had started before the stroke - don't know if the stroke has accelerated it). Double vision... I needed a eye checkup badly... So I got one yesterday. If you are wondering how I managed to get to a eye hospital in my state, I didn't. The Mountain came to Mohammed. A very dear friend very kindly brought the hospital home. My friend and two doctors were with me for a good part of last afternoon with everything from a monitor for the lines of different sized letters, the vision checking glasses with a huge briefcase full of lenses, various scanning tools, etc. Whether worthy or not, I certainly felt like I was part of the royal family.. One of the lenses (left) of my glasses was patched up to see what it feels like. It f

For a very long time, the mind didn't want to fight. It was too daunting a fight. It surrendered without any resistance... But the body, as it couldn't work with the mind, could be kept alive anyway - artificially. Then the mind realised this was a very different fight. Surrendering does nothing really. The enemies are surrounding everytime, but they are doing nothing after. They are just waiting around for the mind to perish. After a while, the mind, mostly out of frustration and boredom of nothing really happening, decided to stand ground and not trying to keep running. However, the body is not doing anything. Well, that's not right, it's doing things - just not doing things fast enough for the mind.  The mind is feeling the body is not being a team player. Not carrying it's share of weight (literally). I hope they get along and do the task on hand and finish the job. I am worried they might have a falling out and the mind will decide to try running away again...

I was ordering something on Amazon yesterday and I realised... In the last one year, I have spent a lot, received some, made payments/ made transfers, etc. I haven't had to go to a bank. I haven't had to write a cheque. I haven't had to use a credit card I haven't had to use a debit card. I haven't visited an ATM. I haven't touched any currency notes (in fact, I don't even remember how they look) All from the bed - on my phone... Just in case anyone has any doubt about the future of money... It is even more confusing with the advent of crypto currency.. How do we really teach this new next generation, what "money" is...? 

Last evening, my friends had come home. A young couple (much younger than I am). I was happy to see them after a while. They had brought their (I think they said he was a year and 7 months) along. It was quite apparent they doted on him. They said they have setup an Instagram page for him and keep it regularly updated. He was full of energy and excitement and wanted to go everywhere. They had to literally hold him back from running around and knocking things about.  We were told he had taken after his father - a better colour. There was the usual talk of his antics throughout. We (my wife) and they spoke about his diet, what he eats, how many times, etc. Like everyone born in the past two years, we were told how anxious he gets when even one of them go somewhere. My kids liked him very much. But I could see one of them was not liking all the enthusiasm around him much. I think they were home for about 2 hours, and 95% of the conversations were around him. I was alert and happy and dev

Was watching a talk last night by "Yual Noah Harari" (historian and author from Israel). Have been watching many of his talks. Slightly long, but interesting. I remember I had just started reading one of his books "Sapiens" when I had the stroke. He has an interesting take on "Censorship" In earlier days, Censorship was achieved by preventing, controlling and regulation of information. It was straight forward. Today, there are too many sources and everyone has access anytime and anywhere to information. So Censorship is achieved by over information, false information, misleading information, irrelevant information, etc. Basically, flood us with information so we can't find the right information and if by chance we do find the real deal, we will have so little confidence on it, we would not trust it. We will be so confused - we will eventually give up. Navigating this mess will be very hard! How true... 

Folks with 1 child (yet), or no children (even happier I gather), will struggle to get this.. You will understand no doubt, but probably not get the depth of it.  When we had our 1st daughter, everything was new. The Joy was new and the apprehensions were new as well. If something didn't seem right - get worried, if she was crying - consult dr. Google, if she didn't eat - dance around, if she didn't sleep - carry her around, if she didn't feel well - a real doctor consultation, etc  With our second daughter, it was different.  If she didn't eat - she will eat when she gets hungry, "she'll be alright", if she didn't sleep - she will sleep when she gets tired, "she'll be alright", if she had temperature - paracetamol first then we'll see, "she'll be alright", etc. Don't get me wrong. We were just as overjoyed, cared just as much and loved her just as much. We were more relaxed. Didn't have to hit the "pani

           1,000 days          =========== What would I do if I had these 1,000 days ... Would I continue to work like I used to - so I can achieve professional goals Or Would I spent more time with family and friends and be more available to them.  Would I travel and see more places -  Or Stay in one place and be more available/ reliable... Would I do more Yoga, Gym, running, etc - to lose some weight/ inches. Or Would I focus on improving my outlook. Would I meditate more - in search of peace of mind. Or Would I try to strive for a more comforted conscience. Would I pray more. Or Would I act more.  Would I talk a lot Or Would I be considered with my speech Would I eat and drink in excess. Or Would I be mindful and have a good diet. I don't know the answers.... for I was; Mostly at home for 1,000 days.    Rooted like a tree. Didn't have to work for 1,000 days.    Didn't have to contribute to anything. Didn't do anything for anyone for 1,000 days    Instead, everyone d

I was watching something yesterday about the growing number of suicides the world over. The pandemic, lockdowns, uncertainty, lack of social support etc is accelerating the trend. It got me thinking, why do we even think of committing suicide? Don't read me wrong. Depression is real. Suicidal tendencies are real. I have spent a large part of the last 3 years constantly contemplating about it. But why do we do it? We humans are the only species to think it and do it. No animal jumps off a cliff without knowing how to fly. No animal wades into the ocean if it doesn't know how to swim... Some insects - like soldier ants, bees, etc. are known to give up their life to defend their colony. But that is just instinctive sacrifice as part of living... I get the science - only we have a deep sense of self, a deep understanding of cause and effect, etc. But I would assume survival instinct would prevent such thoughts. I get murder - it is very little in humans because of conscience. I get

I have had many kinds of teats after my stroke. The ones I remember the most is referred to as the MEP test . I underwent it 4 times I think. Thrice when I was conscious and could know what was going on and once when I was in la la land still. That was initially when I was in the ICU and hadn't yet come back to reality. That particular time, I was convinced they were harvesting my organs as part of some racket. I wanted to get out of that place asap - I didnt yet know I was in a hospital. The last one I think was November end last year. I want to describe this test, mainly because it was always done in the ICU and unlikely anyone from family or friends would have seen it. The test was what it was. I have described it the way I experienced it. The MEP test - Motor Evoked Potential test. I think it is to check how much of the signals from the brain propagates to the limbs. I don't know how many places they do it. Anyway, it had to be done only in the ICU - I guess just in case t

3 years back, I was dethroned. It was an overnight coup of sorts. Now, I am plotting my way back. Long way to go, but someday I hope to get the throne back.. I feel like raja Bhoja trying to get king Vikramaditya's throne. Except there are no statues of Apsaras (damsels) coming to life and quizzing me. Life itself is coming and testing me daily. Every day is a different test with a teaching - could be hard work, could be patience, could be some wisdom, etc. I have neither seen the throne or the courtroom since. Almost forgotten how it looked. The yearning for the royal feeling, which I took for granted I must say, is very very deep. So tomorrow morning, when you sit on your throne, be grateful for the royal feeling... 

I was just thinking last night/ early morning today.. What if someone ran an organisation. Which looked like this: A professional services organization - which is run well - to international standards. Does generate earnings - but maximising profits is not the goal. Is not a listed business so has no typical investors, so no market pressures for quarterly profits etc. Then a 2nd part of the organisation - almost a co-ceo, whose only objective is to give away wealth. Initially start with giving away earnings generated by the other hand but approaches wealthy to offer to run their philanthropic interests. I am guessing one of the worries of very rich folks to give away wealth is - how to ensure the wealth actually reaches the needed place with well run place. The business side - since it doesn't have typical pressures, can give time to their employees to be part of or even run some of these initiatives - I am sure tons of folks would join such a place where they are rewarded with an

I like for things to be done in a way. Many reasons for it, but it bugs my mind If done otherwise... The first is just OCD. I have always had OCD. The stroke did nothing to change it. Not everything but something's I had to do a certain way. I don't get angry or agitated or upset if done otherwise. Just something doesn't fit well in my head. After the stroke, I could do nothing. Everything was done the way it was done... The earliest I can remember is when folks kept something, anything on the bed some way. It wouldn't even touch me, but the nut in my head would become loose. I don't know if I was able to show it, as I had very little movements then. Many many things done in the hospital wound me up. Over time, I have gotten used to not being able to do anything about it. It's a game in my mind now. I keep placing bets on how stuff gets done. I feel like I am at the casino each time. Ex. Everyday, after my bath, moisturing lotion is applied to me. In my head, th

My previous question on Kevin ruffled some feathers. Stirred the pot a bit. I got everything from "whether there is heaven or hell" to "it's the car driver who needs to go to hell". It's a bit unfair to pose this question if I was unprepared to be the "sorting hat" myself.. So here is what I think. Rather, what I feel... If I was manning the ticket counter and Kevin turned up. I would have to first consider the dog. #1. If the dog was conscious and expressed a desire to live (yes, it's a special dog and knows how to speak). Then, irrespective of how bad it's condition was or suffering was - it was murder as far as I am concerned. Definitely a ticket to Hell. To the very deep interiors of the land. #2. If the dog was awake and conscious and given his suffering and misery, tells him to kill him for his own good, in my opinion, it would still be unacceptable. It's basically assisting suicide. I would still give a ticket to Hell. Maybe a co