Mind of my Stroked Brain

In recent times, I have encountered the phrase "running around like headless chicken" and each time I have thought, surely whoever coined that phrase had no idea - the headless chicken is not running anywhere, period. It got me thinking on another thing - "muscle memory". Something I have heard so many times. And have taken for granted a lot. Every indication now was contrary to that understanding. If my muscles, for all their repetitions of so many things had done , had an iota of memory, something would have moved. Sure, they have memory. Every cell has dna which is a record or memory of the entire body. But it is purely biological. Unconscious. There was no conscious memory. Here is my thinking: We can regularly exercise and feed it nutritional food. But we can only make muscles strong, flexible, agile, etc. But memory, no way. Without the brain or mind more specifically, they are nothing. When Neeraj Chopra threw the Javelin, he didn't know the angle, he did

I In recent days, I have heard a lot of TGIFs, many thank god its Sunday, and some even TGIMs. I know we hate Sundays in our house as our nanny/ housekeeper doesn't come and we have to do everything ourselves. Which got me thinking, why do we have the weekly holidays on Sat and Sun and not other days. Is it because of the bad influence of Saturn maybe? Then I got to thinking what is a week anyway? Doesn't coincide with any astronomical cyclic event. Like a day, a month (true month, 28 days, corresponding to the moon's cycle. Not the arbitrary calendar we follow - that's a different story), or the year (365 days to go around). Nothing for the week. Turns out we owe it to the Babylonians (modern day Iraq). They were very good observers of the cosmos in general (stars and planets). They obsessed with 7 of them (Sun, Moon, Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus ans Saturn). So, when they wanted to segment the month further for better tracking, the choice was straight forward. 7 days

The guy in the corner room: -------------------------------------------- It has been about 1 and half years since I came home. In all this time, I just have not been able to figure him out. I am thinking he is plain lazy. Just is lying down all the time! I go into the corner room in the mornings, I like the warm sunlight that comes in. He keeps staring at me... It's quite weird, there are always two girls with him. They are usually nice to me. But I keep my distance. Everytime I think of making friends, they go away and someone new comes. I must have seen a dozen at least by now. I don't know what he does. Every now and then I go and check, and the tv will be always on. I have not seen it off for a minute during the day. Sometimes someone puts me up on the bed with him. He just strokes my head. I think he likes doing it. But he doesn't fuss like everyone else does. I get bored in a few minutes and scoot. Somedays I have seen him cry. I can be sure mom will put me up those

Many of you, many times, in many ways have told me to get the Vaccination. I had my uncle and aunt come home and threaten me recently. My wife has tried and tried and has given up. My mother comes everyday and tells me in many ways. So I thought you should know my logic - right or wrong.. I am neither encouraging or discouraging individual choices. I hope it won't influence your decision. Actually, Its very easy to give me the shot. Just don't have to take my view and give the jab. There is no way I can resist. I am relying on (primarily) my wife's conscience as my ally in this . There are three parts to my thinking: #1.  This is my weakest argument. Like many of you, I have been watching about the evolution of the vaccines. There is nothing wrong with the science. Im not yet convinced of the amount of data especially length of time we have data. We all know how quickly they were devised and I think every one of them have been approved on emergency basis. I have seen too m

My nurse's phone saga continues... Few days back, I shared about my nurse wanting to buy a phone. Well, the same day my other nurse's phone well and truly died. It was an old phone, repaired many times earlier and visible battle wounds. No hopes of resuscitation I guess. She has been like a fish out of water for past 2 days. This morning, she asked me which phone to buy.  I have not felt the burden of responsibility come down so heavily in a while. I wouldn't feel so much pressure if I was selecting for myself. I asked the price range and did the research. I felt very relieved when she told me her brother picked a make/ model and that would be it. It was not the same I had arrived at. So I just gave it as a suggestion for the same range and left it at that.. So many times we give opinion/advise to others. I would categorise into three categories. 1. Where out of our concern for some situation, we dish it out. Its mostly unsolicited. When we give it, we kinda know, it will m

Both before the stroke and after, I have listened to a lots of speakers, read several books and blogs. All admirable ones - for inspiration. I have undoubtedly been very much touched by many of those. But after the stroke, their impact on me reduced drastically. Everything seemed good words one could do when they are able to. There have been many stories representing the struggles of many, battling through their circumstances and a variety of illnesses. I have tremendous respect to them as well. However, as much as I admired all of them, their victories and messages, I simply could not connect with them. It was their individual journey and the corresponding narrative. Until I encountered the story of 'Brisa Alfaro'. This was a different story altogether. It was frankly an unbelievable story. I was moved because it was a very similar story. It was the closest comparable journey so far... I am part of a support group called "StrokeSupportIndia". Often, they organise an

My nurses were discussing today about their phones. How old it is, etc. One of them remarked that she would buy a new phone next month. She mentioned the make/ model as well. The phone she mentioned probably costs 2 months pay she must be getting from the agency. She is from north india, is staying away from home, working 24x7, most of the time indoors, not exactly a pleasure of a job, letting go of dietary longings, etc. Now, I am no judge what anybody should desire or have. But on the surface, it seemed to me like a very disproportionate reward for the hard work and sacrifices she makes. Peer pressure can be a real bummer!

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." "If you can dream it, you can do it." And my personal favourite "Live your life today like there is no tomorrow." These are just a few samples of a million more that we constantly see. In chats, in groups, in emails, every form of social media, etc. They are all very beautiful and very powerful. Most of all, it's all in very simple language. Not cryptic. Not things we can't understand. Yet, life goes on, as it were mostly. One of my friends, recently, was trying to make a similar point and quoted J Krishnamurthy as saying, 'we can only know if someone has understood something if it leads to a change in their behaviour.' We all know and understand basic concepts in mathematics. But how many of us use it in our personal liv

Few days back, I had a few friends home, and I was witness to a hilarious conversation One of them, let's call that person A, is very logical, rational, practical, spiritual (in a non traditional way) and is ready to accept iffi stuff as long as there is a logical explanation or proof. B, is also logical, rational, practical, is spiritual but is more open to accept various possibilities. I don't remember how the conversation got there, but it was very amusing to listen to both points of view about the famous Double split experiment where a particle changes its behaviour between a particle and wave, based on whether it is observed or not. The hilarious part was, just like the experiment, the same observation was deduced by A as supporting a scientific knowledge of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle and B used the same observation to support the proof of energy in spirituality to accept various possibilities. The irony was so funny. Then the conversation came finally to Godme

Few days back, one of my nurses, who is a non-vegetarian, asked me if eggs were vegetarian. I didn't know how or what to answer. So she asked our nanny/ housekeeper as to if we are vegetarian then how come there are eggs in the house? My other nurse chipped in, and very confidentiality stated that eggs were vegetarian. I was surprised with her conviction for it's a fairly debated topic. So I dug around online a little bit. Summary below: Eggs are definitely not vegan, as it an animal product. They are not considered Satwik in traditional categorisation.  If we go with a strict thinking that non vegetarian being anything alive before landing up on the table, eggs don't fit the bill. There was no life in the farmed eggs as these eggs are unfertilized. Roosters are not let anywhere near the hens. They are just laid by hens everyday, fertilized or not.  Gross warning: There are lots of debates online, whether its a cycle and can be considered as a hen's period. Well there

Some of you have remarked sometimes on something I have written, as it was very nice or conveyed something well, etc. So I thought I should throw some light on it... In the very initial days, I think around Sep of 2020, I was started to be able to type using my 1 finger. Very strenuous and painful. After a few words, the finger would stop moving or not moving where I wanted it to. So I had to conserve the energy for important things (mostly instructions to Chitra) and a few pleasantries if possible. I was staying in the hospital too. So, mostly it was enquiries and instructions. Maybe by Oct mid, I could write a couple of sentences. That is when I started to write a few things. Then I quickly realised it's not possible for me to type out something fully in one shot. There is no possibility of keeping something as draft in WhatsApp. After losing something which I had painfully typed, I realised it was a bad idea to compose in WhatsApp. So,  Gmail to the rescue... It saves draft aut

Every afternoon I struggle. I am fed some fluid (juice or soup or just warm water) orally. They give it in a small spoon, not full, just half spoons. It may be about 3-4ml each time. However, I am unable to swallow it. It invariably goes into the wind pipe, causing a violent cough and struggle and most days I am unable to withstand it and we stop after a few spoons. For an effective swallow, 1. The morsel of anything (called bolus) needs to be encapsulated and pushed back and down into the throat (pharynx) 2. At the same time, the nasal cavity is closed off to prevent stuff from going into the nose. 3. As the bolus comes down, the lungs have to hold the breath and vocal folds (or vocal chords) needs to close so as to close the wind pipe. 4. The epiglottis (another soft tongue like muscle) seals off the wind pipe fully. 5, the entrance to the food pipe (circular muscles called sphincter in the upper oesophageal cavity) needs to open up to allow the bolus to get in. 6. At this time, the

Sometime back, I had written about my 3 Gods. Its only fair to tell you about the 3 devils as well. I refer to them as Devils and not Demons. The demons are inside my mind and make an entrance, once in a while, in various types. Almost always they bring out the Devils as well. The Devils are hyenas. They hunt in a pack and all 3 of them come together. After the stroke, like many other things, I can hardly control my emotions. Something can trigger a bout of laughter and i won't be able to stop. Equally, many things set me off crying and i won't be able to stop. Sometimes, it goes on for so long, that after a while, I wont even remember what I am crying about in the first place, but I just can't stop. Some days I can't help but feel overwhelmingly sad and down for the general state of things in my life. I know, I know, I shouldn't think like that and count the positives. It is , akin to giving someone a medicine but they can't think about Monkeys while taking it

Good day... Today is Friday the 13th, one of the most feared days of the year by many. So, I looked online why so. Surely, like most other things that we unquestioningly follow, had some basis in olden days and simply not relevant anymore (like the famous gauge of tracks - which is too difficult to change, Daylight savings -which we can, but don't have the will or worse, like the qwerty keyboard - which we are pretty good with, but was designed for just the opposite, but we have got so accustomed to.) But no . I found zilch. No alignment of celestial bodies today. It's as superastitious as a black cat bringing bad luck. I am unusually rigid and very tired today. My physio didn't go well. I am probably coming down with something. But I know what to attribute it to. Our nanny/ housekeeper called this morning and said she was unwell and couldn't come. She was probably struck down by the same phenomenon. We have bought a new appliance which needs to be installed today . If

Some days back, a friend of mine, from my pre-university days, messaged me on whatsapp. We chatted about old times, the lecturers, how much we had fun ragging them, etc. We also chatted about mutual friends, what they are doing now, etc. We chatted about the families, kids, school, etc. It was a bit asynchronous also, so it was all throughout the day. It was all fine, but by night, I could sense a growing impatience, a mild irritation in me, for not once did he enquire about how I was coping after the stroke. He obviously had contacted me after almost a decade as he must have found out I am whatsapp-ing now. He was not addressing the white elephant but was beating around the bush. Later he said he was coming to Bangalore and suggested that we catch up for coffee and reminisce old times. That's when the penny dropped for us both. He really didn't know. He was not not avoiding the conversation.  I told him about the stroke blah blah blah and he apologized blah blah blah, all good

The olympics has 2 types of games. One I would categorise as games with unquestionable outcomes where the winners are certain and unquestionable. Ex, the Javelin throw. Nobody can question it and anybody can measure the distance and come to the same conclusion. It applies to individual and team events equally. The other kind is dependent on other people judging and giving a score based on what they thought. Most of the time, when there are controversies it is of these outcomes.  I thought that as time passes, they would reduce the opportunity for this and try and bring more objectivity to the games.  This year they introduced 'Skate Boarding'. I felt that itself was crazy. I was appalled to learn that they plan , in Paris 2024, to introduce 'Break Dancing' 🤦🏽‍♂️

When i was a boy, we used to listen to the radio a lot. It was a big as a whole cabinet. In 1982 we got our first tv. Later my dad tried sometime to explain how it worked, the vacuum tubes etc. Everything flew above my head.  I remember him telling me about how a new thing called 'transistors' were taking over the world. I couldn't understand anything. But I suspect my leaning towards electronics started from there, for I had no clue what he was talking about and I wanted to know. My uncle (my dad's brother) had visited us from the US. He worked with NASA. I would overhear some of his conversations with others. They spoke about the advancements done in computers. I had no clue what they were talking about. The next time he came, late 80's or 1990 I think, he gave me a Casio scientific calculator. We weren't allowed using the calculators then still. I didn't know what many of the functions meant. But I do remember that my dad was fascinated more by it than I

This note may sound a bit accusatory to everyone in general. It feels like I'm saying things taking a bit of a higher moral ground. I can assure you that is not the intent and I am guilty for all of the same things , a lot when I was able and some even now.. My state after the stroke has only allowed me a certain perspective which I am sharing. When I had the stroke, and was moved from the ICU to the ward (HDU), one of the biggest challenges I faced was to grab anyone's attention. I had no voice or movement of any sort.. I would be lying down looking for what seemed like an eternity for me, hoping that someone would lift their head and look at me and realise I needed something. (It's a different matter if they looked at me, I wouldn't know what to do anyway and it would make no difference). That started my animosity towards devices in general and I have been observing how they impact us ever since. My nurses in the house, all of them, care for me all day, everyday. Week