Mind of my Stroked Brain

When I come to the hospital, I think about dying. The isolation in ICU helps. Not mine (well that also), but dying in general. Anyway I as usual worked up the mind about what has become, the physical struggle etc etc and finally got to the same ending. How to end it!. After several permutations and combinations same result. I can't see it through. Not now. Definitely not alone. So I wondered who would help me.  Nobody I can think of. I can understand the simple reason. It's classified Suicide. Its not allowed in this land by law. For argument's sake, if the law didn't restrict, could I enlist someone. It's still next to impossible. it is labelled "Suicide". Suicide is "bad" Everything from God to fear of bad karmas will stop anyone from helping. From what I understand, anything related to God and karma and rebirth is because everyone wants to have a better chance at liberation. We have taken it as truth - whether read from books or spoken etc.  B

I was watching something yesterday about the growing number of suicides the world over. The pandemic, lockdowns, uncertainty, lack of social support etc is accelerating the trend. It got me thinking, why do we even think of committing suicide? Don't read me wrong. Depression is real. Suicidal tendencies are real. I have spent a large part of the last 3 years constantly contemplating about it. But why do we do it? We humans are the only species to think it and do it. No animal jumps off a cliff without knowing how to fly. No animal wades into the ocean if it doesn't know how to swim... Some insects - like soldier ants, bees, etc. are known to give up their life to defend their colony. But that is just instinctive sacrifice as part of living... I get the science - only we have a deep sense of self, a deep understanding of cause and effect, etc. But I would assume survival instinct would prevent such thoughts. I get murder - it is very little in humans because of conscience. I get

I have considered pullin the plug many times. Its very sad when you have made up your mind but cant even see it through. Give the most potent poison and i cant swallow, the most effective implements and i can weild none.. i have begged many times to no avail... I have on occasions considered pulling all the tubes.. but i know that'll only take me as far as the ICU, which is hell on earth. Besides I have seen enough patients with their hands tied up, thats what happens if you dont succeed all the way!! So its just waiting for the limbs to get stronger. Even that is crawling along...