20211223 : imaginary problems

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When I was in the hospital after the stroke - maybe 2-3 months after, I could move my left palm. I used to indicate that they, anyone, had to keep my legs apart (shoulder width maybe). I don't know if anyone knows why. It was probably another one of the ocd behaviors.

Well not really. Anyone wearing a diaper will know how uncomfortable it is to keep the legs close together.

But really did I feel uncomfortable? I have had no feelings there for a very long time. Initially when my neck was not able to lift the head - I couldn't even see the body when lying down. Even now, I am able to feel very little.

So I was not feeling anything. I just knew that it would be uncomfortable and I was feeling uncomfortable the way I thought it must feel uncomfortable. 

Now, I can see and also feel a bit. It's still uncomfortable. But it's a different uncomfortable. This is what the body is feeling and not the one the mind is making up.

I am fed every 2 hrs. If it gets delayed for some reason, I start feeling hungry and get worked up. But really, been a very long time since I felt hunger. The Stomach feeling hungry kind. Not the one made up by the brain. I was not fed on my recent outing for 8hrs. I didn't feel hungry for 4hrs at least.
But hang on, did I really feel hungry 🤔?


Nowadays my incontinence has increased a lot. I have to pee every hour - hour and a half. I just can't control it.

There are some exercises to strengthen the muscles around the bladder etc. But I am not yet able to feel my abdominal area to try any of it. When I am able to - I guess it will help.


I have a good sense of time. There is a clock in my room. Even without the clock, I have a very good sense of time.

But sometimes, when I am watching an interesting movie, doing something absorbing on the phone, etc. - I lose track of time.

There have been instances when I have not peed for 3 - 3½ hours. 

The moment I am out of that trance, I realise the time and I have to uncontrollably go.

Yes I have tried to forget about time, ignore it, so on. It's like that story where we should not think about monkeys while taking some medicine for it to be effective. Just doesn't work.

Artificially trying to do it won't cut it. It has to happen naturally.

So will the abdominal exercises work? even if it strengthens the muscles, how to strengthen the mind?

Or are the exercises a placebo to cheat the mind.....?


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