20210218 : wretched living ...
The most gut wrenching thing about my state is not the physical pain or discomfort. Its being absent from life and no being able to participate - every waking hour, minute, every moment... Its been 2 years. My kids are growing up fast, my wife is doing everything alone, i moved back to India so i could take care of my parents .. Everyone comes and tells me nothing exciting is happening and I'm missing nothing. I'm not looking for grand events, just simple daily stuff.. i know what im missing... Everyday i turn on the tv and keep it loud deliberately so i don't hear anything from outside the room and to numb my mind. Its intolerable knowing what I'm missing. I genuinely wish i didn't survive the stroke. My biggest horror is not that I'll die, but that I'll have a long life. If you have faith, i guess its easier to blame someone for it or belive its your own karma. Its horrible otherwise. I have been ready for a long time now to end this misery for good. But i