Mind of my Stroked Brain

 I was recently chatting with someone who said "have faith in God he will make things ok definitely".  In that context they were referring to life in general, but I am very intimately familiar with this advice, especially after my stroke - referring to both general and particular things. "Have faith in God, he will make things alright", "have faith in a particular God and  ​you  will become alright", "trust in God and you will speak again", etc, etc. Everyone - family, friends, well-wishers, nurses, even my doctors have said it at many stages. Curious though - approximately > 90% of them have referred to God as a "He". I don't know why and what drives the certainty about the "he"...  Usually, if they are from a generation older, the advice is not unconditional. It will be followed by "say some chant X times everyday" , "say some prayer everyday", " do something everyday", etc . One thing is

I have one news channel or the other switched on most of the waking time on the TV - not because I like to watch so much news, it's a kinda a constant noisy company I don't have to pay attention to. All the news channels I watch are live streaming news on YouTube. On cable, we have regular commercial breaks. This is sponsored advertising by brands. They are paid for only for displaying the ads on the cable format and not on streaming. The channels don't want to display it free on streaming format. So I have the pleasure of watching "fillers" at those times when the channel is on ad breaks. These "fillers" are things like weather, political messages, political cartoons or something else to propagate something. I watch a channel "WION" regularly. Their filler of choice is a snippet regarding climate change where different climate activists are screaming themselves hoarse - saying it is critical we act and act now. I get to hear this (as I am not

Most of the times I am ok, calm and composed. It's like the surface of the smooth running river. That doesn't mean there are no turbulent currents below the surface. I don't think about what happened, how did it happen, why me, etc., etc. I haven't been immune to those thoughts - I just have moved on from them. The thoughts that haunt me often is what next. There are too many of those in different varieties. Every day is very long and very short. Very long as it is struggle to get through. Very short as there is no variation. Every hour is predetermined and every day exactly like yesterday. In short, my biggest worry is not that I will have some problem/ issue etc and it will all come to an end. My worst nightmare is that I will have a very long life. I don't think about it consciously. The thoughts attack the mind stealthily. It could get triggered with something completely unrelated, but It's too late to do much afterwards once it gets there. My mind goes into

Over the last couple of years, almost everyone who has met me or interacted with me has given encouraging words of some form. Whether it is family, friends, carers, doctors, therapists, etc - almost everyone. The encouragement is many kinds but at the core of it, there will be an underlying message of "don't give up hope, God is there". Not in those same words, but something to that effect. I am not a God believer in the traditional sense. Neither am I a pure atheist . I am kind of a trishanku (tri-state) fellow. Kind of hedging my bets both ways I guess. Now, I certainly know everyone is meaning well and I ignore that part of the encouragement. However, I don't know how if a purist atheist will receive it. It is not possible for everyone, but I think it is important for folks in the healthcare world (doctors, therapists etc.) to understand the belief/ source of strength for their patients. Funny thought - our hospital file should have a tick box saying: God believer

I have shared sometime back about my current thinking about God. When I was young, maybe till end of school, God was what was told all along by everyone around and there was a faith. Blind maybe, but there was a belief. The usual visits to temples, rituals, ceremonies, etc. There was a sort of unquestioning compliance if you will. I think in college days, it was a very distracted time and distanced/ avoided topic. I think some kind of faith existed but was neither expressed or relied upon. I think early adulthood - maybe a decade and half at least, there was no belief or questioning. Just leading a life seperated from such beliefs. I think this was also the time when a lot of rationality and practicality set in. Maybe 3-4 years before my stroke, a sort of curiosity and questions arose. None of them found an answer but it made me pursue things and stuffs that are usually grouped under the broad definition of "spiritual" pursuits. And then my stroke happened. Many thoughts and

 On a lighter note.... I have 3 Gods I wholeheartedly worship today. My Trimurthis, I may say #1. The most powerful of them is the "Bell" always by my side. Without it it's impossible for me to get attention. It answers my call everytime and someone turns up to fulfill my need. I wont make it past 1 hour without this God. #2. Is the mobile phone. The only window I have to communicate and interact. Without it, I'm as good as non-existent. #3. Is the TV in my room. When I'm not involved with God #2, thats my refuge. God #2 gives me a lot of strength, but maybe after a day of separation, i will need god #3. 😂

From the time of the stroke (from when i could think straight at least), till sometime ago ( maybe for 18 months atleast), I was dogged all the time about whether it was some orchestrated moment or just some random occurance, just bad luck or something else which I can't even think about. The frank answer, after a lot, and its a lot of thinking, is I'm not really sure. I have always felt just absence of evidence for one doesnt automatically prove the other. I have kinda been sure all along that Gods, at least the way it usually is propagated, and religions are all crafted up stuff. It was needed to bring about compliance to build up civilizations and organised societies. I guess that time is over. Long back in fact... The other angle is considering it's all random.. everything is a combination of natural and artificial selection and we have today. However, there is too much detail in everything natural to simply consider it random. It's a possibility, but with very less

Almost everyone who has met me over the past 2 years, either personally or virtually, has taken a god's name, told me to have belief and faith and things will be alright. Honestly, if the plug was pulled fully last year, i might still have believed, but not like this. I have also been peddled the Karma philosophy a lot. When not just me, but everyone around me suffering so much, such coordinated karma is too fantastical to believe. Surely, clear directions and gps coordinates to hell on earth has been found! Yes, i acknowledge the small improvements over time. But i believe its due to consistent efforts by everyone around me, not by some devine help, but despite it! 😡