Mind of my Stroked Brain

Many folks have said (blessed me) and predicted that I will be able to swallow / eat soon. I am actually terrified of the idea. Very very terrified... Don't get me wrong, I would love it if I started eating. But there is no fairy  godperson who will swoosh their wand and I will start eating after. I get up at 8:00am. I could wake up sooner, but that is when I am brought up from the sleeping position. It takes about 10 mins to remove the afo braces , the knee brace (need both in the night to stop the leg from doing it's own thing at night and make it uncomfortable), then remove the socks. Pull me up the bed (I will have slid down in the night. Remove the sweater (which is no easy job to do with a limp body). After that is feed. Then is wipe the face with warm water, comb the hair, apply lip balm, etc.  Basically make me presentable.  All this takes about 20 minutes. My physiotherapist comes anytime between 8:30 and 8:45am. Sometimes even becomes 9:00am. The physiotherapy session

Most of the time, when I am struggling with something - like trying to move my right hand or leg or anything else during physio, I know exactly what to do. Eg. when I am asked to lift the hand. I know the muscles in the triceps have to contract, the biceps have to relax and extend, the shoulder muscles should contract in a way, etc. But nothing happens. No matter how much I try and concentrate on it. Sometimes, I have to close my eyes and think of the arm moving. Just the final outcome and not of the constituents. Then it moves. I guess that is the difference between 'thought' and 'intention'...  Although, it has never worked for swallowing. I have anyway forgotten chewing anything now. After that, some magic used to happen and next morsel went into the mouth. I never paid attention to what happened inbetween. So I don't know what to imagine. Sometime back I saw a video on YouTube of a perfect swallow (an endoscopic view) Reminded me of a sci-fi-alien-horrow movie,

Every afternoon I struggle. I am fed some fluid (juice or soup or just warm water) orally. They give it in a small spoon, not full, just half spoons. It may be about 3-4ml each time. However, I am unable to swallow it. It invariably goes into the wind pipe, causing a violent cough and struggle and most days I am unable to withstand it and we stop after a few spoons. For an effective swallow, 1. The morsel of anything (called bolus) needs to be encapsulated and pushed back and down into the throat (pharynx) 2. At the same time, the nasal cavity is closed off to prevent stuff from going into the nose. 3. As the bolus comes down, the lungs have to hold the breath and vocal folds (or vocal chords) needs to close so as to close the wind pipe. 4. The epiglottis (another soft tongue like muscle) seals off the wind pipe fully. 5, the entrance to the food pipe (circular muscles called sphincter in the upper oesophageal cavity) needs to open up to allow the bolus to get in. 6. At this time, the

Around 3:00pm is my daily torture and I dread it. It's the time they give me half a glass of juice or water orally for swallowing. Half a spoon at a time. Every day I secretly hope that they have forgotten, but the glass emerges without fail. Every spoon, or every other attempt, the fluid aspirates (goes into the wind pipe), causing violent cough and a very painful struggle. After the nightmare for sometime, comes the next spoonful and I have to open the mouth, knowing fully well what follows next. Most days I have to stop after a few spoons as it's unbearable. After this, I swear to myself that I won't go through this torture again and send harsh messages to my wife that I will not undergo this (self inflicted torture) daily and not to give anything next day... Next day, is another day, and like someone seeking pleasure in pain, I go about it all over again, with a small hope that this day might be better forgetting what yesterday was like... PS: before I can trust in God,

I am unable to swallow anything. Apart from swallowing itself being a problem (anything being pushed down the oesophagus), the bigger problem is aspiration. Even a spoon of water, some of it goes into the windpipe (trachea) causing violent coughing. It's not just me, many stroke survivors have some form of disphagia (trouble swallowing). This is because we (well, most mammals I know), have the food pipe and the windpipe opening up at the pharynx (back of throat). Alternatively, if they didn't merge, it would be simpler no? I wonder, Why did this happen? Even a simple thing like getting hiccups? Why does it happen? I mean, i know how and why it physiologically happens. But what advantage does it give in evolutionary terms? It doesn't help in "fight" or "flight". It doesn't even help if you want to hide!  So, why was it needed this way?  I imagine it would by a struggle when evolving. So, Why did the characteristics survive the lens of natural or arti