20211201 : my OCD mind

I like for things to be done in a way. Many reasons for it, but it bugs my mind If done otherwise...

The first is just OCD. I have always had OCD. The stroke did nothing to change it. Not everything but something's I had to do a certain way. I don't get angry or agitated or upset if done otherwise. Just something doesn't fit well in my head.

After the stroke, I could do nothing. Everything was done the way it was done...

The earliest I can remember is when folks kept something, anything on the bed some way. It wouldn't even touch me, but the nut in my head would become loose. I don't know if I was able to show it, as I had very little movements then.

Many many things done in the hospital wound me up. Over time, I have gotten used to not being able to do anything about it.

It's a game in my mind now. I keep placing bets on how stuff gets done. I feel like I am at the casino each time.

Ex. Everyday, after my bath, moisturing lotion is applied to me. In my head, the right order to do it is left hand first, right hand next, torso next, followed by the left and right legs. That's when the nut sits properly on the bolt in my head.

Sure enough, every day is a new day. So the gambling begins for me. Mind you, any order yields the same outcome. Same job done and same time taken. No difference to me in reality. It still winds up the brain.

The second category is out of the way my brain is structured I guess. It just can't stop thinking. Looking for ways something can be done little better. Most things don't make a real/ material difference.

I take the example of my bath, sponge bath.

Any other seems like the same thing. The job gets done. However not the same.

My bed is close to the wall on my left. So the nurse giving the bath has to stand on the right side of the bed along with the bucket of water etc.

The sequence in my head is the same. However, there is a reason this time.

When a limb is washed this is the steps:

1. Wipe the limb. Just getting it wet basically.

2. Apply soap and scrub.

3. Wipe it 3 times to remove the soap.

4. Use a dry cloth and wipe it dry.

That completes the limb. Move on to the next.

Now since the nurse is on the right side, most often, it's closest first.

However, after dealing with the right side, we have to reach across to the left. So water, soap will drip and fall on the already cleaned and dried right side too.

I get dried again in the end to wipe off the mess caused. Doesn't take much time. No harm done.

It doesn't bother me much. It's not a big deal.

What bothers me is this.

Some days, just completely randomly, the left side is dealt with first. On those days, the last activity of cleaning up is not necessary and is not done.

However, it's like a throw of dice. Everytime the probability of getting a number remains the same. Each event is separate and does not affect the next.

Next day is again random. The benefit got doing something different simply does not get noticed and adopted. 

That unscrews the nut a lot more...

Again, since there is very little impact, I just resort to gambling.

The third category is different. It actually has a bearing on me. But most of them are complex observations and very hard to explain. 

There are countless things. But the most hilarious example I can recollect is as follows...

I was in Mumbai last year for a month. Should have been longer but got cut short due to the pandemic and lockdown. Got back on Mar 24th early morning and the lockdown started that night. It was no less than a miracle how we got back - we would have been stranded in Mumbai for 3 months otherwise.

It's to do with my PEG feed. The peg tube is a tube connected to my stomach. I think it is about 5mm in diameter and about 1ft long. So, to pour the feed, we need a funnel. Instead of a wide funnel, what is used is a 60ml syringe. I think it is made for that purpose, as it fits snugly with the peg tube opening. The tube has a pinch clamp - to control the flow and close.

The usual process followed by the nurses ( not just in Mumbai but everywhere), is as follows:

1. Connect the syringe. First pour some water, 20-30ml - it's to remove air blocks and ensure the tube flows fine and there is nothing obstructing.

2. Before the water fully goes in and the tube/ syringe becomes empty, start pouring the feed (whatever it is). Around 300ml, so it takes 6-7 times pouring into the syringe for the whole feed to get over.

3. After the last pour of the feed is over, pour water so the syringe is full.

4. The tube is not left empty, so stop the flow by closing the pinch clamp. Usually I have seen everyone closing it when there is about 1/3rd syringe remaining - about 20ml or so.

5. Drain off that remaining water, remove the syringe, close the tube and that's it.

The whole show usually takes about 10min.

The hospital in Mumbai is very well reputed for stroke/ neuro rehab. They also have tailored feeds to suit. There was a special oil which was given with every feed (a spoonful).

That's on paper. In reality, I have not gotten a single spoon of that oil. Not just me, I am willing to bet none of the patients on tube feeds gets any.

They are not frauds. They would get the bottle regularly and give a spoonful every feed. Without fail.

Except, from the looks of it - nobody had trained anyone how to administer it.

The spoonful of the oil would be put into the feed, stirred well and every nurse religiously followed how the feed is generally given. 

The feed is water based, the oil seperated and floated to the top. After everything was fully poured into the syringe, water would be poured. Stop the flow when the syringe has about 20ml left - which in this case was the oil mainly. Throw it off, close the tube and that's it.

This was when my fingers/ wrist had not much strength and I was not yet on whatsapp - so I could just see the circus everytime and say nothing.

Anyway different reasons, but same result. Everyday is full of such fun. And I love the gambling...🙂