Ever since I have had my stroke and became bed ridden, I sleep on a mechanised hospital bed so that I can be inclined and reclined to different levels and heights. It is needed both for me (as my muscles don't support me and I can't get up on my own) as well as the nursing staff to be able to do many things needed for my care). The hospital bed, as you may have noticed in hospitals, has a mattress which is made of rexine upholstery (usually blue in colour - I don't know why). It needs to be a non absorbing upholstery to be able to wash/ wipe the mattress clean as it is very common to soil it for bed ridden people who are in diapers. That makes it hard unlike usual mattresses. Most importantly, I have been lying on an "airbed" on top of the mattress since my stroke, the airbed is also a very common feature for bedridden people (especially strokes like my case). Since we have absolutely no ability in our muscles on the back, waist, hips, etc., we can't turn arou...
Yup, 6-er today. 6 years since I had my stroke. I had the stroke when I was 43. If I make it to the end of this year, I will complete my ½ century on the scoreboard overall. I can certainly say this past year has been the year of regression in my rehabilitation - both physically and mentally. Physical fitness (unfitness actually) has probably dragged the mind in a negative/ downward spiral as well. Physically, there have been no real gains. Both my right leg and hand have become worse than they were a year ago. Been additionally having a nagging back ache for many weeks now which is not allowing me to do usual physiotherapy routines. I felt there was some gains inbetween with voicing but that has been lost as well for sometime. So, all in, not a positive year. Mentally, day to day mundane activities I am doing fine. But the deeper mind which deals with more existential thoughts has decayed a lot. I am not able to reconcile the need to exist. I think I have written about this...
It has been a while since I have written anything. It is not that I don't have thoughts coming and going which can be shared, I just don't feel like it anymore. As is commonly said, I don't have " enthu " anymore. For close to 6 years after my stroke, I was carrying on with everything and all activities. While it was not overt/ explicit/ or much, I guess there was an underlying "hope". Hope for what? I don't exactly know. but there was some hope which was propelling me I think. Over the past 6m or so, things have gotten worse. Physically, I have become a lot weaker. It is probably not visible to others to perceive, but I am aware how much weaker I have become when I do daily things like sitting, physiotherapy, etc. probably my physiotherapist is the only other person who sees it. Whatever little gains in movements on my right leg and hand have almost completely become zero for months now. Even with my left side, I have become a lot weaker than ear...
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