Mind of my Stroked Brain

I keep getting a lot of stroke surveys to fill up from time to time.  I fill these religiously and provide the information the survey asks for. I fill them genuinely as I don't know what it is going to be used for generally.  Do you know the biggest underlying problem I find in all of them (I have not come across an exception till date). They all assume a stroke is a stroke is a stroke.. surely, we can draw conclusions with generalized assumptions.  Unfortunately, a stroke is not a stroke is not a stroke. If we get a headache, stomach ache or any other illnesses/ diseases they somehow can be generalized and we can understand the symptoms, causes and consequences thus having generalized treatments and care.  However, the only thing common for every stroke is that the root cause was deprivation of oxygen to the brain cells causing the cells to either weaken or die.  Where the stroke happened in the brain, for how long, how much impact did it cause and to what functions, the age of th

When someone goes through a life transforming event like a stroke, they are a completely different person afterwards. In that sense rhe previous person dies that instance and a new person is also born that instance. Others rarely notice or appreciate this death & birth transformation as its not a physical thing but a mental death and rebirth.  In that sense, I am 5 today!  Born on 6th Feb 2019! When I had the stroke, after I could think properly (maybe 6-7 after weeks), also fuelled by the assurances by everyone around that it's only a matter of 6 months or so, I came up with a 5 year plan in my mind. I bitterly realised soon that planning and such things are out of the window for good. About 6 months later, till about a year and ½, it took a lot to accept the reality and get adjusted to the reality that the previous me was indeed dead. Also, the frame of mind was that I was only dead still and there was no recognition of the rebirth (as I couldn't do anything, couldn't

Some days back, I had written about why i feel the muscles have strands and each of them being connected to the brain separately... (https://mindofmystrokedbrain.blogspot.com/2024/01/20240124-balancing-equations.html) Come to think about it, I am guessing that there are such connections and strands for not just muscles but every part of the body - bones, ligaments, tissues, skin and every organ we have. Thinking about it, in orders of magnitude, it probably is in hundreds of thousands at least (maybe even Millions). Here is the most interesting thing. All of them are connected to the brain through the spinal cord. The spinal cord is about 1cm in diameter. Not only that, not exactly circular in cross section but it is hollow like a very long and thin cylinder. The centre of the spinal cord is filled with spinal fluid. It is not circular, but it's given that it cannot be very big with that cross section area.  What follows is the engineer in me speaking.... Well, the hundreds of tho

It is fascinating to read and understand how muscles work. For all my life, (since I had not given it any thought earlier), I simply had assumed a muscle is 1 muscle. Ex, if we say bicep muscle, it was one muscle in my mind (I don't know why I imagined so, but so it was). The truth is very far from it . Each muscle is made up of hundreds of strands (maybe thousands). And the best part (I have practically understood, not backed by any medical stuff) - is that each strand is connected separately to the brain and not as one.  For mechanical enthusiasts, each strand works like a sort of rack and pinion arrangement, operated by a chemical reaction, triggered by the brain. Each strand has two separate connections to the brain - one to work the rack and pinion arrangement each way (to contract the muscle strand and the other to release it or relax the muscle strand). In short, that's how it achieves any movement. By selecting the set of muscle strands to activate (how many most probab

Couple of days back, there was a "Homa" at my mom's place. I might not be translating right, but a "Homa" is a traditional offering to various deities using fire as the medium for making the offering. Needless to say, it involves controlled fire but a lot of very uncontrolled smoke. Especially because of the offerings, it's very irritating to the eyes and lungs - usually a lot of burning in the eyes and coughing. The intention was conveyed by my mom a few weeks ago since my sister's family was visiting all together after some time and it's an auspicious thing to do. I said ok and didn't give it much thought. Usually thoughts and intentions fizzle away for everyone when it comes to following through with actions. But, she was following up actions and it looked like she will get it done. Few days ago (maybe a week and ½), she asked me in case necessary, will I be ok to get involved in the same only when needed. I usually don't involve myself in

Before my stroke, I was a regular bloke with lots of work, lots of goals, lots of priorities and lots of distractions. This was both office work and personal life at home. Like with any regular bloke, I had ample share of distractions, procrastination, laziness etc, etc  After the stroke, it has come down significantly . I am not professing to be above all these. It has come down significantly though. Very significantly. I keep getting the complaint from everyone about my very painful following ups, urgency with everything, pestering about progress as follow up to something or updates etc. I have thought about it. It's not like I was setting such crazy expectations and the bar so high earlier. I had assumed it was just natural because of the effect of not being able to do anything & understanding the value of time and abilities because I am like this. It made sense and I had made peace with that explanation to my mind. Some days back, I was watching a podcast type talk show, wh

  ​ Warning : reading this may affect your belief and affect you adversely. Read ahead at your own risk. ____________________ Couple of days back, I had my bout of hiccups. I have written earlier about my hiccups after the stroke. It is quite bad. This time it lasted about 2½ days. Earlier it used to last longer and more continuous and more intense as well. It has gotten slightly better over the 4½ years. When I am in the "hiccups zone" now, it typically starts soon after I am fed, lasts for about 1½ hrs and stops . Soon it will be next feed time and the cycle starts again. Usually the nurses quickly become immune to it and they get the pattern. However, both my current nurses are new and I had not been in a "hiccups zone" after they had started. They both got replaced at around the same time and did not have the benefit of knowledge from the other person. Naturally, they assumed it would go away as per normal. When they saw it not going away quickly and it was comi

Disclaimer :- these are my thoughts based on my observations. They are not backed by research or medical proof. Take it with a pinch of salt... _____________________________ This is not a recent observation but observed over the past 4+ years. I have not been able to make sense of it for a very long time and after I processed it in my head, I didn't know how to express it and write about it... Giving it a shot now... ________________ When I drove the car/ rode  the bike, I have always been very bad with directions and orientation. And I am a "man" - so I wouldn't stop to ask for directions either. And I was not slow either... Net result was, i usually over shot an exit, hit a dead end, etc and invariably I would have to take a U turn and go back to get further. When in Australia, my wife would be struggling to let me know the directions with a big and bulky map book only to witness the U turns anyway (these were the days when Google maps were not yet in).  After I had

Disclaimer : every stroke is different (even if they are called the same name). The impact to someone physical / mental is even more different for everyone. What I have said here is my case, my stroke, my experience and my thoughts. Don't generalise it and compare. However, it might be similar (not same) that many might be experiencing.so, hoping it will help... _________________________________ It is a phrase I have have heard from many in the last few years after my stroke - by doctors, physiotherapists, SLP therapists, family/ friends/ well-wishers everyone. " Use it or lose it " - generally applicable to every function of the body, but more specifically for this context, it is the muscular action getting atrophied/ wasted and lost if we don't keep making the movement. Basically the brain  eventually loses/forgets the connections of neurones firing because of prolonged absence in doing so.  It is not like I have not heard of it earlier, but like everything else, it

100% of the people who know me - even very remotely, would know I had a stroke 1-2% of them probably know what a stroke is and what it means. 0.1% probably know which kind of stroke and what happens. 0.01% probably know what that entails and the typical statistical odds of improvement 0% of even extremely qualified and experienced doctors know what can happen and do not predict what will happen. However,  100% of people who genuinely care about me, tell me with 100% confidence that everything will be ok. The math somehow doesn't add up right?

Disclaimer : These thoughts and views are mine based on thinking and feeling. They have no medical backing so please take it with a pinch of salt or discard entirely 🙂 *** All of the brain stroke cases, ischemic, hemorrhagic or any other type leads to a damage to a part of the brain. The body is a slave to the brain , entirely - 100%. Various functions of the body are impacted depending on where the stroke occurred and the extent of damage it caused. The brain is difficult to heal. It has the capacity to heal but takes instructions only from the mind. Yes, I think the brain is a slave to the mind, 100%. Yes, the brain can be exercised through external therapy and drugs etc. However I think it can only be healed by the mind.  Where is the mind and is it separate to the brain? I don't know the answer to that with certainty, but I think it is. I also don't know if the mind resides in the head or the whole body or somewhere else, but I do think it is seperate to the brain. The bra

Today is my  3rd strokeversary . 1,095 days (well 1,095.75 days 🙄).  Unbelievable for me, but I have survived another year.  It has been a hard year!  Physically - it has been what it has been.  Mentally - it has been much much harder! I could not have made it without the Love, affection, patience and care of my Wife , my Kids , my Family , my Friends , my therapist , my several nurses , my various Doctors , support of many of you well wishers and lastly (but not the least) - our Dog ! Rather than write some boring stuff describing my experiences the last year (which I have done no short job of - I assume), I thought I should share a sort of - objective view of the progress in the last year.  A sort of " Report Card " on the year if you will. Everything here is also subjective. But I have converted the subjectivity to a scale of 0 - 10, simply because we generally understand numbers better than long descriptions. 10 does not denote something is fully working fine. It just

Just like all organs and parts of the body, the brain too needs blood supply constantly for oxygen/ nutrition. In fact, it takes the lion's share of blood supply to carry on. Sometimes, this supply is stopped because of 2 primary reasons: 1. An artery/ blood vessel breaks because of an injury or other reasons and the blood does not reach the intended place.  2. A blood clot obstructs the flow of blood to the intended region. The clot can form gradually in the brain or is formed somewhere else, gets dislodged and moves to the brain. Each of these have many variations, causes, impacts so on and have many names - but essentially the 2 causes. What's common between them is the cutting off of blood supply. Since every cell/ tissue of the brain needs constant flow of blood for oxygen and nutrients, the cells/ tissues either become weak or die - depending on how long the deprivation lasted before medical intervention. Depending on which part of the brain is impacted, so will the corr

I don't think I have really understood before the stroke what it means or does to your state of mind when you loose you ability to do things which i used to do so comfortably, confidently and took for granted..  Sure when i came across someone with an affected ability, i was compassionate and empathetic, but i truly had never understood as it was only an intellectual understanding and the real feeling is not possible to explain. While i was thinking about this, I realised that it's not only stroke or any other ailments, but very true for the process of getting old and frail as well. Its the same thoughts and feelings and getting dependent on others for things which once you could do..  Memories of younger days must come to haunt everytime.. So, when old aged people are stubborn, difficult, unreasonable or any other adjective, they are not acting crary, i imagine they ARE going crazy dealing with this emotion/ feeling. It's very hard for stroke patients because of the sudden