Mind of my Stroked Brain

It is fascinating to read and understand how muscles work. For all my life, (since I had not given it any thought earlier), I simply had assumed a muscle is 1 muscle. Ex, if we say bicep muscle, it was one muscle in my mind (I don't know why I imagined so, but so it was). The truth is very far from it . Each muscle is made up of hundreds of strands (maybe thousands). And the best part (I have practically understood, not backed by any medical stuff) - is that each strand is connected separately to the brain and not as one.  For mechanical enthusiasts, each strand works like a sort of rack and pinion arrangement, operated by a chemical reaction, triggered by the brain. Each strand has two separate connections to the brain - one to work the rack and pinion arrangement each way (to contract the muscle strand and the other to release it or relax the muscle strand). In short, that's how it achieves any movement. By selecting the set of muscle strands to activate (how many most probab

This is not new if folks know facts. But for me it was a revelation, realisation and a very new experience. Everyday during my physio, the therapist makes me stand. Just stand no movement and no support. It is a very very difficult thing for me to do - not just because my muscles are a mush, but also because the stroke has affected my sense of balance a lot. It was very bad initially and has gotten better slowly over the years. Over many many days of doing this and I have managed close to a minute. Then I start swaying like a leaf in the breeze and the therapist taps me constantly in the opposite direction to push back the centre of gravity to the middle. I have forever assumed that balance is controlled by the inner ear fluid. Not that anything happened to my inner ear with the stroke but I am guessing the inner ear has to communicate with the brain anyway to achieve this - and there lay my problem. I was very happy and proud even to get over the minute mark recently. It was a good in

Everyday I stand for sometime with the standing frame.  When my physiotherapist comes, he makes me walk a bit with the frame. Some days he puts my leg in a knee brace (so it doesn't buckle), the ankle in a AFO brace (so it is supported and does not twist) and he makes me do the same walk. He holds me by the side, my left arm around his neck, right arm in a sling around my neck and lifts my right hip every other stride so I can try and drag the right foot forward a little. It is anyway impossible if the hip is not lifted by him. I wonder everytime, what is that bloody leg made out of. Concrete, iron, something heavier - gold maybe.  Some days, we get even more adventurous. He makes me stand, right leg fully braced up and he lets go. His both hands few centimetres away and the nurses close by , waiting for the catch. Brief periods - to see if the body can balance. Earlier, before the stroke, standing was taken for granted. There was millions of years of evolution supporting the body.

When i was out of surgery, my neurosurgeon told my wife that I'd have a lot of hiccups and balance issues because of where i had the stroke. The hiccups have been quite a lot. They were so much early on. They also made it to my hallucinations when in icu. When it starts, i know next few hrs is gone and i am unable to do anything else. My personal record is about 4 days non stop. It has gotten better and 3-4 hours every few days now. It has reduced in duration and frequency, except more intensity. Actually i dont know if its stronger or i just struggle more as there is on less hole in the airway to manage it.. but I'm hopeful it'll get better over time with the trend line... The balance is an issue I've had from day 1 as well. Its hard to describe.. i cant move an inch, but feel like I'm falling all the time. The closest i can think of is feeling of getting a kick as described from the movie inception ( https://youtu.be/V9uX_WamuYA ) . It is a milder version ,but the