Mind of my Stroked Brain

Most of the times I am ok, calm and composed. It's like the surface of the smooth running river. That doesn't mean there are no turbulent currents below the surface. I don't think about what happened, how did it happen, why me, etc., etc. I haven't been immune to those thoughts - I just have moved on from them. The thoughts that haunt me often is what next. There are too many of those in different varieties. Every day is very long and very short. Very long as it is struggle to get through. Very short as there is no variation. Every hour is predetermined and every day exactly like yesterday. In short, my biggest worry is not that I will have some problem/ issue etc and it will all come to an end. My worst nightmare is that I will have a very long life. I don't think about it consciously. The thoughts attack the mind stealthily. It could get triggered with something completely unrelated, but It's too late to do much afterwards once it gets there. My mind goes into

Normally at home, I mostly watch news channels. All of them are live streaming channels on YouTube. Every so often they boast how good they are, how they are top rated, or the fastest to break the news etc. Or sometimes some political cartoon, some pandemic message or somebody screaming how important it is to act now to save the planet. Thing is, these are the times they don't know what to do. Their real counterparts are showing advertisments and earning money. But they don't want to show the ads on streaming channels as it becomes free on another medium. The brand's don't want to pay for the online counterparts because well - there isn't enough viewership online. So I get to enjoy these "fillers". This room has a TV with a few of the same channels. The real deal! I feel like having seen a celebrity for real, having seen only on screens thus far.. Here I get the real deal. One lousy commercial after another. Repeated in succession . The illusion is broken.