Mind of my Stroked Brain

Transducers Came across this word recently when I was reading something. Hadn't come across it for a while. Its a word and concept I learnt in my electronics course (either in 12th or my 1st year engineering course I am not very sure now) A transducer, very plainly speaking, is something which helps bridging the analog world with the digital world.  For example, take the very simple digital thermometer in our homes. They can't directly measure temperature in digital form. They have a transducer inside which converts the temperature from a analog/ real world scale to a digital world scale so it can be displayed. Generally speaking, we can say it helps bridge the real world with the digital world. When I had my stroke and I was told I will struggle for balance, I was not able to understand why. My understanding (based on my school learning) was that balance is maintained by the inner ears. Of course we were not told how and I never bothered to ask. I just knew balance was maintai...

Some days back, I had written about why i feel the muscles have strands and each of them being connected to the brain separately... (https://mindofmystrokedbrain.blogspot.com/2024/01/20240124-balancing-equations.html) Come to think about it, I am guessing that there are such connections and strands for not just muscles but every part of the body - bones, ligaments, tissues, skin and every organ we have. Thinking about it, in orders of magnitude, it probably is in hundreds of thousands at least (maybe even Millions). Here is the most interesting thing. All of them are connected to the brain through the spinal cord. The spinal cord is about 1cm in diameter. Not only that, not exactly circular in cross section but it is hollow like a very long and thin cylinder. The centre of the spinal cord is filled with spinal fluid. It is not circular, but it's given that it cannot be very big with that cross section area.  What follows is the engineer in me speaking.... Well, the hundreds of tho...

Disclaimer : every stroke is different (even if they are called the same name). The impact to someone physical / mental is even more different for everyone. What I have said here is my case, my stroke, my experience and my thoughts. Don't generalise it and compare. However, it might be similar (not same) that many might be experiencing.so, hoping it will help... _________________________________ It is a phrase I have have heard from many in the last few years after my stroke - by doctors, physiotherapists, SLP therapists, family/ friends/ well-wishers everyone. " Use it or lose it " - generally applicable to every function of the body, but more specifically for this context, it is the muscular action getting atrophied/ wasted and lost if we don't keep making the movement. Basically the brain  eventually loses/forgets the connections of neurones firing because of prolonged absence in doing so.  It is not like I have not heard of it earlier, but like everything else, it...

Disclaimer: 1. None of these are my original thoughts. I have watched, listened to and seen a lot of useful and useless content. Based on all these inputs, it is processed junk from my mind. Since I can't remember the source, I cite the internet and Google Maharaj. Crudely speaking, I have been consuming all kinds of junk and out of indigestion, I am vomiting out part of the partly digested junk 🙂. 2. I have used some terms loosely. These are terms based on only my informational knowledge and not experiential knowledge with conviction. Please take it with a pinch of salt and chill if not aligned with you beliefs. __________________ One of the things that baffles me is how limited our ability is to think beyond what we are physically in human form. Ex , in almost all alien movies I have seen, the aliens are  depicted in some crude way looking like humans (and smaller mostly) sometimes geen in colour, sometimes distorted but human like faces , different types of fingers but same two...

When I had my stroke and was able to understand anything coherently, I was told that my neurosurgeon (just after the procedure) had said that I will have hiccups and difficulty balancing because of where I suffered the stroke. I knew what the hiccups meant - but I was not ready (mentally or physically) for what was really in store. I have written earlier about my bouts of hiccups which have festered for days. I still get them - they usually persist for a day but letting up every 1-2 hrs before restarting again. The balance thingy I could not understand. These were the days I was a complete vegetable and could not communicate in any manner to ask what it meant. Nor was I able to get online to research and understand what it meant. Firstly, I needed to know what a stroke was to begin with 😂 All my schooling and adult understanding life. I have understood that the inner ears are what are responsible for balance. Here I was being told I had some stroke in the head and I will not have bala...

You may have heard of Phantom - Phantom of the limbs i.e. Phantom limb is a syndrome felt by many who have lost a limb. Could be a hand or leg - which has been lost in war, accident or something else and had to be amputated. Basically they sometimes feel the lost limb - strange feelings in the limb or pain in the limb, etc - even though the limb is not there. Its not an easy problem to solve - how can we cure a hand or leg that is not there. It happens because the nerve endings of the lost limb, where it is amputated, sometimes send vague messages up to the brain. The person does not see the limb, so their mind agrees but the brain is still seeing the limb sometimes because it is getting signals. It is a very confusing feeling when the mind and brain don't agree . I don't know Phantom, but I am very familiar with his alter-ego. I have two limbs and various pieces of real estate on my body which are his home. Take my right hand as an example. I can see it . I can touch it with m...

It's a phrase I have come across many times from everyone. "I changed my mind". I have used it many times too... But what do we mean by it? I am sure there are many exceptions to this, but most often it probably means we have chosen to do something a bit more comfortable than the other option. A bit safer than the other option. A bit more familiar than the other option. A bit more confident than the other option. etc., etc. We don't do it very consciously too. I think our minds have that 'safety bias' built in for our protection and safety. But do we need that protection anymore...?  When I had my stroke, I was very unlucky with where it occurred but very lucky with what it did. I mean, yes, it rendered the body very useless but left the mind in very good condition (so I think obviously. I don't know if others will concur 😂) Over the last few years, the left side of the body has been making progress - while it has been painfully slow in absolute terms, it...

Disclaimer : These thoughts and views are mine based on thinking and feeling. They have no medical backing so please take it with a pinch of salt or discard entirely 🙂 *** All of the brain stroke cases, ischemic, hemorrhagic or any other type leads to a damage to a part of the brain. The body is a slave to the brain , entirely - 100%. Various functions of the body are impacted depending on where the stroke occurred and the extent of damage it caused. The brain is difficult to heal. It has the capacity to heal but takes instructions only from the mind. Yes, I think the brain is a slave to the mind, 100%. Yes, the brain can be exercised through external therapy and drugs etc. However I think it can only be healed by the mind.  Where is the mind and is it separate to the brain? I don't know the answer to that with certainty, but I think it is. I also don't know if the mind resides in the head or the whole body or somewhere else, but I do think it is seperate to the brain. The bra...

I got my PEG tube replaced few days back.  Although the one that I finally got is the simple replacement tube, they didn't know till I agreed that I would agree. So, as a precaution, they got me ready for the other type which requires administration of anesthesia and they kept me on a empty stomach. Funnily all the nurses kept referring to it as NBO (nothing by oral). That's funny for someone who is on the PEG only because they can't have anything orally. Anyway, my last feed (reduced already because I had an upset stomach earlier) was at ~ 10:30pm. I am usually fed every 2 hours. The body is used to the regular flow of fuel to keep going. I generally feel hungry by that time in the morning. Even with very diminished feelings, I can sense the hunger. I was not fed before the procedure. They finally did the procedure by ~ 11:30am I think. After the procedure they can't feed for ~4-6 hrs. Post that it is only water (50ml) and very gradual ramp up to about 150ml and only c...

On some occasions, I have referred to body, brain, mind etc., and sometimes in 3rd person. Some of you have remarked what it means. So I am trying to clarify. Hopefully it will make sense. ____________________ Disclaimer : these are my thoughts and only my blah blah blah... That's true but not entirely true. I watch stuff all the time from philosophers, spiritual folks, science stuff, medical stuff, modern thinkers, etc.  I will be lying through my teeth if I claimed independent and uninfluenced thoughts. I just don't know how much is my own and who has influenced what. I can only say, if it resembles somebody else's views - it probably is. So assume it is that person saying it; in my words (hopefully that is not plagiarised too). ________________________ The way I have experienced these, I think we have the following entities: mind, physical body, energy body, brain, feelings/ emotions. Why I look at them as separate things, is because one triggers the other and can almost...

This will certainty feel like a mad man's theories. Well, since I am not far from that description, here goes ... I have seen/ observed this from a long time (atleast the last 2 years). Most of them I have noticed but have not managed to connect the dots until now. I think I have shared earlier, that my faculties/ abilities go back and forth and it is quite unpredictable at a given time. In the early days after my stroke, when I was still in the hospital, I would get very upset when my left hand/ fingers used to suddenly feel very weak or stop altogether. It used to be exasperated by my inability to express/ communicate what I was feeling. It used to be very unnerving as well because everyone (including the doctors) kept telling me that it was not possible to lose an ability once it started working. When what I was experiencing was clearly different. I understand loosing an ability due to muscle wasting/ atrophy. But that takes place gradually, not overnight like I was experienci...

Just like all organs and parts of the body, the brain too needs blood supply constantly for oxygen/ nutrition. In fact, it takes the lion's share of blood supply to carry on. Sometimes, this supply is stopped because of 2 primary reasons: 1. An artery/ blood vessel breaks because of an injury or other reasons and the blood does not reach the intended place.  2. A blood clot obstructs the flow of blood to the intended region. The clot can form gradually in the brain or is formed somewhere else, gets dislodged and moves to the brain. Each of these have many variations, causes, impacts so on and have many names - but essentially the 2 causes. What's common between them is the cutting off of blood supply. Since every cell/ tissue of the brain needs constant flow of blood for oxygen and nutrients, the cells/ tissues either become weak or die - depending on how long the deprivation lasted before medical intervention. Depending on which part of the brain is impacted, so will the corr...

Some days, I feel very sleepy. Not the garden variety, it's the variety of "Tom" of "Tom and Jerry" fame struggling to keep his eyelids open and doesn't succeed even by propping them with matchsticks. It has no apparent reason - I won't be tired/ fatigued, I won't be unwell, I would have slept well prev night, no new routine, no change in diet, no nothing... I may be force-correlating, but I have noticed that soon after (next day types), either I have gained some new ability or lost something. Not any big things, very small, almost unnoticeable stuff. I think it is the brain doing some heavy lifting and wants to shut down everything else. To "hibernate" or run everything else in "power saving mode" I remember when I would get such urges before, I used to shake myself, wash my face, have a coffee, do something and go on... There must have been many times that the brain wanted to do something - and I never gave it a chance to... 

When I had the stroke, after I could realise what was happening, I found the doctors come every morning and pinch me or create some pain/ discomfort at various places and ask me if could feel it. These were days I could move only the eyes vertically . Couldn't even move them sideways. I was instructed to "look up" for 'yes' and "look down" for 'no'. So there was a lots of looking up. Unfortunately, there was no follow up question "does it pain". So I was easy game every morning. Also, the limited vocabulary didn't allow me to give a full response. The actual response would have been - "yes", "but it doesn't feel the same way as earlier. I can feel when you touch me. But I can't feel the pressure. The touch at the skin level doesn't feel like it used to. If we fall asleep on the hand, and wake up, the hand is numb. If someone touches us, we can feel. But it is a wierd feeling. That's how it feels" ...

The scientists of quantum stuff are working on furthering something called the "String theory". Basically they have realised that all the mathematics describing stuff like space-time, gravity, different waves, etc. - they are all fine individually but breakdown when considered all together. They are saying for it all to make sense, there should be more dimensions in the universe than the 3 we are familiar with. In fact, I think the magic number is 11. What would it be like? Can't even fathom it. One of them may be "time". It is a believed that we actively use only a very small portion of the brain's capacity. What if the rest of it has access to the other dimensions and we just don't know it? Eg, what are memories? Basically we are traversing through time and accessing experiences isn't it. On similar lines, if we can traverse backwards, it may be possible to traverse forwards too. Is that what a glimpse into future is? Is that what a premonition is?...

This has no medical basis. I feel/ think, based on the progress of my rehab, that my stroke did 2 kinds of damages to me. Physically speaking, the consequences have been several... The stroke happened in my brain stem. The brain stem is the main connector between the brain and the rest of the body (through the spine mainly). Like a conduit. The brain stem is also considered the most ancient part of the brain, so nothing "human" is managed by it. But it controls very vital automatic functions - like hear beat, blood pressure, breathing, body temperature, swallowing, sleep cycles, coughing, amongst many other things we do automatically and naturally. So actually, the stroke left me with all human abilities, and many of the animal abilities stripped off. 😂 It's anti-evolutionary if you think of it like that... Some things - like heart beat, blood pressure, etc have been ok - although struggled in the ICU initially Many other things -like breath control, swallowing, coughing...

The "mind ahead" problem: Basically, my hand and fingers move very slowly. I have to put the phone on th lap so i can type one key at a time with one finger very slowly. I cant see the message on the screen at this angle as im typing it. The mind is running at the usual pace and the finger it trying desperately to cath up. The result, letters get dropped from words and small words from sentenses. Best part is the mind doesnt even realise it. It thinks everything is ok. Only in the end of a msg  and i lift the phone and read it fully, do i realize the amount of mistakes and correct them. Its a very amusing problem when the brain messes with you .😀 Thats what i have termed "Mind Ahead" problem...