Mind of my Stroked Brain

  ​It has been a while since I have written anything. It is not that I don't have thoughts coming and going which can be shared, I just don't feel like it anymore. As is commonly said, I don't have " enthu " anymore. For close to 6 years after my stroke, I was carrying on with everything and all activities. While it was not overt/ explicit/ or much, I guess there was an underlying "hope". Hope for what? I don't exactly know. but there was some hope which was propelling me I think. Over the past 6m or so, things have gotten worse. Physically, I have become a lot weaker. It is probably not visible to others to perceive, but I am aware how much weaker I have become when I do daily things like sitting, physiotherapy, etc. probably my physiotherapist is the only other person who sees it. Whatever little gains in movements on my right leg and hand have almost completely become zero for months now. Even with my left side, I have become a lot weaker than ear...

What I have observed/ learnt over the last 3+ years, is that the body is extremely resilient. It has many many safety nets and emergency mechanisms to stop it from perishing unnaturally. It needs way more external interference or significant internal damage to give up. But I have assumed that the mind is pretty finicky. It can make us do voluntary damage to the body and cause it to perish if it wanted to. Or be cheerful and make the body healthy and buoyant. In the past, I have felt both. Felt like ending it - but unable to. Happy and still no difference to the body. I have written in the past about finding meaning. Finding a purpose, etc. However, I have found nothing. A few years ago, I used to be a compulsive planner. I used to have a plan for life and even a spreadsheet to boot. Didn't work that way did it. I don't have anything to look forward to. It's not that I don't feel happy or sad or things like that. I feel all of it - more than necessary sometimes. But I am...

I keep getting these pop up advertisements on websites telling me about the best places to visit on the weekend, top places to go within 100kms from Bangalore, etc. I wish there was some way I could tell them that their Ad algorithms have got it wrong and to save their ad spend on me 😂 There are a few places - places of worship mainly, which many people people have committed on my behalf - that I will visit - once I am ok. The catch is, who will decide what is "ok" ? I am guessing I hold the deciding veto there 😂 On a more serious note, these past years/ months have afforded me the time and space to think about this. Where would I really like to go when I get sufficiently better to be able to go and interact with others. There are 3 places I hope I can go to: 1. An Orphanage - so I can interact with the kids and well, just interact . Maybe in that process I can understand fully what privilege and abundance I have lived with. Maybe I can be of some help, I don't know. ...

This is what i think and feel. I could be off a bit, not a lot, based on practical experience... Long term: Based on how things are moving, i feel i will probably get back to about 30% of what i used to be overall... Let me qualify that, Left hand almost fully ok with much lesser strength. Right hand very minimal movement. I will become a leftie... I think i will be able to independently sit up and stand up. However given my balance situation, walking by myself seems like a miracle. Running impossible... Legs will be better, right will be weaker.. Voice and speech will come back, but speech will be very slow and softer.. this could be faster after the vocal chords procedure, i dont know... I will probably get to semi solids, maybe soft solids, like upma, kichidi , etc. Proper solid food life is over. ( But drinks life will still exist, few more years to make up now 😜) Problems with digestion, constipation, etc will persist, albeit a bit better. Lungs state and my bronchitis issues cou...