Mind of my Stroked Brain

In the first episode of the first season of the series "House of Cards", a dog gets very badly run over by a car and is in a very bad shape. A few folks who come over run around to get some aid, to call for help, etc . Kevin Spacey - who plays the main character in the series, is left alone with the dog. Observing the suffering of the dog, unlike everyone else running around for help, shows "mercy" and relieves the dog of its mysery. Will he be sent to "heaven" or "hell"?

Every night, just before I sleep, I pray. That must sound unlike me, but yes. I do chant a small prayer exactly 32 times. For those who know it - its "रामस्कंदुम हनुमंतम ..." When I had the stroke, the spincter muscles at the base and top of the oesophagus I guess had no idea what to do, so I used to have a lot of regurgitation. After every feed, something would happen and the abdomen would squeeze 3-4 times. It would happen after every feed. The result - whatever was in the stomach (good amount of it I guess) would definitely come up to the throat. After coming up to the throat, it would inevitably go into the wind pipe. All joy for sometime after. When I had the trachiostomy, there was a tube to the wind pipe and they could suction it out . Vacuum clean the wind pipe. Once the trachiostomy was removed, I had to cough everything up. It used to be a horrible nightmare. I used to dread being fed everytime. That was my biggest fear/ worry to get the trachiostomy removed. I coul

Some days back, I had ordered something from BigBasket (an online grocery store). I usually use Amazon, but they didn't have what I was looking for. As it was the first time using BigBasket, I was not conversant with everything and ended up with a delivery slot of 6-9am next day. Sure enough, I was in my physio, and my mobile rang. The normal sequence I am used to is - my mobile rings once or twice (that's the delivery agent), then the landline rings (that's the security calling to ask permission to let someone up), then the doorbell rings (delivery agent again) and my dog barking like mad. Then the delivery is complete for my mind. This time however, after my phone rang a few times, nothing happened next. When I got my phone later - there was a note from BigBasket that my order was reprocessed due to no response and would be delivered in the evening between 5-8pm. I assumed it was a different process with BigBasket and they won't go ahead if the mobile is not answered

When I got to some ability to comprehend (about 4-5 weeks), I was told I had a stroke. (I am sure everyone would have told me earlier too - but nothing would have gone in) Everyone around me had that lead time to do any research, understand it in detail and know the details of what had happened to me. I on the other hand, knew the the summary - "I had a stroke". Generally aware and informed about many things, but I had spent my entire lifetime being ignorant about this aspect. I had absolutely no idea what a stroke is. So I knew I had a stroke. But I was perplexed as to what had really happened to me. On some instances in the past, when someone had said someone had a stroke, I had just assumed it was something with the heart. I had never bothered to find out more about it. Then I was told I had a surgery and they removed a colt from the brain. I found it hard to understand as I couldn't see any visible bandages or scars on my head (or near the heart). If they had to opera

Everyday I hit the wall... Several times... Suppose I went to the gym. And the instructor asked me to use an equipment that was not in the gym. I would be wondering how to? That was how the first couple of months was. Everyone asking me to do something - and I had no clue what was being asked. My head had no idea what or how to do anything with the body. Every question was "out of syllabus"! It's the first stage for my muscles - the feeling of not having any. Then, after a long time, I went to the same gym. I was asked to do the dumbbells. Something I could see and hold. Except they were 50kgs I couldn't move it. Incredibly "Weak" was the feeling. That was the second stage - where I could feel it, know what to do - but just couldn't do it. After sometime, same gym. I was given 5kg dumbbells - and asked to lift it 100 times. I could lift 5kgs easily. But beyond a dozen times or so, just could not continue. I could hold it, I could lift it, but had no endu

Before I had my stroke, I was reasonably healthy and had a reasonable muscle tone. After the stroke, due to being absolutely immobile (muscle wasting), in about 8 weeks, I was reduced to skin and bones. It was horrible to see myself (I could only see my legs then). Seemed like only the skeleton! But I was not very much concerned. Even though I was very concerned about how my body had become - I was not very worried. Besides, I knew how to build back muscles. I would do the same after I got ok (this was when I believed in the 'some months' version of I'll get ok). What I was secretly proud of was my teeth set. Except for 1 cavity in the back of a molar (which was not visible from the front - in my defense), I hadn't had to go to the dentist for anything else in my adult life (except when I was a very young boy - pre teens stuff). I had quite a neat, well aligned, well maintained teeth set. It took some time after the stroke for the muscle wasting to happen and turn me to

I think it takes a lot to write. Not effort (well that also, but I think that is the least bit). I am not referring to some lofty things - just basic conversation stuff. When one speaks to someone, if they feel they are not conveying something correctly, one can rephrase, use different words, change their tone, use a different body language, etc. Basically explain themselves better. However, when one writes, they have to get it right the first time. Use the right words and convey things right.  Many times, one won't get a response. Can't really know if the message was conveyed, what thoughts in provoked or what emotions it evoked. Once the arrow has left the bow, no taking it back. Just have to hope that the aim was right. With time, everyone gets better at this. I also think it takes courage. Many times, when one speaks to someone, over time - words fade, memories twist and one can always say that they didn't mean it that way. Worse, one can absolutely deny having said som

Today I got a TV in the room. The broken one is still not working. They couldn't get some parts so they will replace the whole TV. This is a temporary arrangement. So that concludes my hearing experiment formally. It has been almost 4 weeks. Good enough I suppose... Here are the results... Procedure: Put on music/ songs that I am very familiar with, a bit loudly on my phone. Keep the phone closer to the right ear. Plug the left ear as tightly as I can. Close the eyes and listen. Do the above as many times as possible everyday. Observations: Unfortunately, I did not do a baseline correctly. But on a scale of 0 - 10, I would peg it between 0 and 0.5 before I started. Some unintelligible noises would come through intermittently and feebly and there was a constant shrill sound (like the one we would get from a picture tube tv with no signal) After 4 weeks of the listening, I think I can peg it at 3.5 - 4. The background noise is still there - but has changed from the shrill noise to so

Every day is the same... Get up, physio, bath, sitting and standing, oral feeding, shift on to the wheelchair, exercises, shift back to bed and change, sleep. Peppered inbetween with feeds and lying in bed with the mobile.   I am tired and frustrated of it.  I have often felt like giving up... Yet I continue and go to the next day and do the same things. I have wondered why? Why do I do it? What is the reason behind it? I know I am not very weak. But even that strength is not enough for this living. This existing... I think it is more out of "fear". I am terrified of it actually. Continuing like this remainder of the life. Not fear of dying. I think I have crossed that. It's "fear" of living. If I give up and stop doing stuff, it doesn't mean it will end. I will be just fed and kept alive like a vegetable. It will only prolong the misery. For me and everyone else. I am terrified of that... I remember seeing in National geographic/Animal planet many times. A

I was listening to the song "barbie girl" this afternoon.  It's part of my music list. Brought back old memories. I think I used to listen to those songs in college or just when I started working. It's a time capsule sort of a thing - listening to music transports us to the age. I was feeling nice - young even. Until my nurse jumped and said she was excited to hear the same song - they had danced for it in her LKG or UKG. I came back to my age! 😂

Most of the time, when I am struggling with something - like trying to move my right hand or leg or anything else during physio, I know exactly what to do. Eg. when I am asked to lift the hand. I know the muscles in the triceps have to contract, the biceps have to relax and extend, the shoulder muscles should contract in a way, etc. But nothing happens. No matter how much I try and concentrate on it. Sometimes, I have to close my eyes and think of the arm moving. Just the final outcome and not of the constituents. Then it moves. I guess that is the difference between 'thought' and 'intention'...  Although, it has never worked for swallowing. I have anyway forgotten chewing anything now. After that, some magic used to happen and next morsel went into the mouth. I never paid attention to what happened inbetween. So I don't know what to imagine. Sometime back I saw a video on YouTube of a perfect swallow (an endoscopic view) Reminded me of a sci-fi-alien-horrow movie,

For sometime now, the TV in my room has broken down. When it broke down, I thought I will go mad in a few days! Subsequently, I started with my hearing experiment. So most of the days I listen to music. Sometimes (mostly nights), I listen to the radio (a.k.a podcasts). The same news channels - WION, BBC, NDTV etc. It's a breath of fresh air. On the TV, there are so many jarring visuals, unnecessary opinions, most irritating - the debates. The podcasts are clean. I am actually liking it very much. I know, once the TV is fixed, I will get back to the addiction. But this is good, while it lasts... 

The two nurses I have now have been with me for a couple of months now. One is very young - early 20s and the second is mid 20s - married with 2 young kids. First one is leaving tonight - unplanned stuff and second one mid next week - planned. I have had at least two dozen nurses now. Some good with their work and others mostly lacking. Even the good ones have been good with their work - but mostly the silent types. Rarely engaging me in any conversation. Most of them wouldn't even talk to each other due to language incompatibility issues. These two were an exception. They would talk 24x7, mostly inconsequential things - given their ages. They would be laughing all the time and engage me in conversation often - even though my contribution was limited to nods. It kept the atmosphere in the room very light and cheerful. So yes, I am very sad they are leaving - but also very glad they are going back to their lives and families - especially the one with young kids. I cannot express the

After my physio daily, I stand for about 30 minutes using a standing contraption and supported by my two nurses. I repeat it in the afternoon again for 30 minutes. It should increase blood flow to the legs and strengthen those muscles. Also supposed to strengthen the waist and back. I hope it is doing it as it is a slower than snail process and impossible for me to make out. I am hoping it is doing all that. Whilst I am hoping it is doing all that, the benefit to me is something else. I lie on the bed for something close to 19 hrs and sit on the wheelchair (firmly) for about 3.5hrs. rest of the time (other than this hour standing) goes for sponge bath, cleaning, etc - lying on the bed also. For those who have seen it, it reminds me of Irfan Khan explaining in detail to Amitabh Bachchan in "Piku" about the best position to pass motion. For almost 2.5 years, I have had absolutely no bowel movement and have had to resort to enemas every 4 - 5 days. That changed couple of months

Cough is a regular feature of everyday. I get 3 types of cough mainly. 1 - aspiration triggered. Either saliva or some other fluid goes into the wind pipe and triggers the cough. This is easy to make out. I think I can feel the entrance of the wind pipe and the aspiration is a recognisable feeling. But since I don't feel anything after, I just have to wait for the cough reflex to kick in. It takes 2-3 seconds sometimes. But the wait feels like an eternity. There is no doubt here, I have begun to relax knowing that the body's defense is very reliable. Sometimes it it violent - but I am confident that whatever foreign body gets surely expelled. 2 - phlegm/ secretion triggered. These are sneaky buggers. Come without any warning. Since the phlem is secreted within the lungs, it doesn't get the foreign-body treatment. Why sometimes it triggers cough - I don't know. I can make out this one because the expelled secretion - I can feel at the base of the throat after cough. I ke

I keep getting these pop up advertisements on websites telling me about the best places to visit on the weekend, top places to go within 100kms from Bangalore, etc. I wish there was some way I could tell them that their Ad algorithms have got it wrong and to save their ad spend on me 😂 There are a few places - places of worship mainly, which many people people have committed on my behalf - that I will visit - once I am ok. The catch is, who will decide what is "ok" ? I am guessing I hold the deciding veto there 😂 On a more serious note, these past years/ months have afforded me the time and space to think about this. Where would I really like to go when I get sufficiently better to be able to go and interact with others. There are 3 places I hope I can go to: 1. An Orphanage - so I can interact with the kids and well, just interact . Maybe in that process I can understand fully what privilege and abundance I have lived with. Maybe I can be of some help, I don't know. 

I feel we all have two minds. Two types actually. One is like a race car, an aeroplane, or a horse. They can go fast and in all directions. There can be many of this type too... Acting simultaneously. How many depends on what we can afford to have and maintain. But there is only one of the driver, the pilot or charioteer.  He holds the reigns and keeps the horses in control and in step. The horses have a tendency to run amok otherwise. And they very much do so if not controlled by him. We may have the best horses. But the direction the chariot moves and how far it goes is however entirely dependent on how good the charioteer is. As I put this down, I can't decipher which one is writing. Is it the charioteer thinking and the horse typing. Or are they both horses and the charioteer is someone else...

Every afternoon, I have some soup. twice in the afternoons actually. I switched from juice to soup as the consistency is thicker. Stays on the tongue/ mouth longer till I can try to slowly push it down to the throat. Juice/ water consistently fluids - no moderation. Just flows in. I think the oesophagus and wind pipe have decided to exchange roles. Almost everything goes into my wind pipe which is like an open Goalpost and the oesophagus barely opens. I think something like 10% goes down the oesophagus and into the stomach. Almost 90% of it is coughed back out. I doubt anyone has the stomach to witnesses the bout (see or listen). Except the nurses of course - prolonged exposure has made for a very thick skin. But I get into the ring everyday. One would think it is a genuine fight. But it's a known outcome everytime. I go into the rigged bout. A thrown match because of the payout. The hidden bonus. Right from a very young age, I had severe bronchitis. My lungs would be clogged/ cong

When I was lying in the hospital - probably 2 months into my stroke. I used to lay thinking away into the night. Anyway my sleep cycle was all over the place and it used to be a miracle if I fell asleep for 2 hrs.. I had just started to move my toes and fingers on my left side. I could feel nothing on my right. On one of those nights, I prayed to God to somehow restore movement on the right side. (That was my dominant side and I couldn't imagine life without it). I made a promise that I will give my best to somehow strengthen it and not give up if I got that movement back . Now, 32 months later, I don't know if there is a God, or a Creator or a Supreme Power or some other equivalent... The promise I made, has turned internal. I have cheated a number of times in my exams. Mostly for the thrill of it. On a few occasions genuinely out of desperation. In adult life, there have been many instances where I have found a convenient excuse - to not do something. The excuses seem very ge

Whenever anyone visits me, I am asked and encouraged to speak. My family has asked a million times. My vocal chords don't move. I don't get voice most of the time. But that is a simple chicken and egg story. Unless I try it will not move. I know that.  Even more funny is - what do I speak? Whenever I have tried, the word sounds fine in my head. But out comes a sort of a croak. Nobody can understand what I am trying to say. After half a dozen tries, everyone gives up and I am exhausted. It is very easy when someone asks me to say a word. Still it is a croak that comes out - but since they know the word already. Irrespective of how it sounds, it sounds better as they already know the word. It is the same with predictable sequences. Like 1,2,3... Or a,b,c... Or January, February, March... Etc. They all sound intelligible - while I am still saying gibberish. But if I don't speak gibberish, it won't sound any better. I know that too...   Most times I put on 2-syllable or 3-s

On several occasions in the past, many folks have said to me that I have to look at my rehab as similar to a baby learning to do things. 'baby learning to walk' was the cited favourite.  I bought it for a while... As I mulled over it, it seemed more and more a ridiculous comparison... I had lived for long, knew very well this was how the limbs/ body was supposed to work. It just stopped working one day. I never paid attention and I don't know how it worked. Everything was done unconsciously/ subconsciously. Now, I was having to do things consciously without knowing how to? It is widely accepted that kids get a sense/ realisation of "self" sometime between 2 - 3 years. Till then they don't even know their body is theirs. But they learn to do things much earlier. Most walk by a year. If we think about it, it is science fiction stuff. That they see limbs and use them without knowing it belongs to them. Must feel like the operator of a very complex crane with many

I used to eat eggs most of my life. Started as a boy on advice by the doctor - needed the protein as I used to play a lot. Eggs were not allowed in the house then. I initially started having it raw with whatever I was having then - nutramul or maltova or some such thing. I hated it and stopped/ refused to have it after a while. Later, it was ok to be cooked outside (backyard). So tried boiled eggs (separate utensils for it of course). I was ok with it, but only just. Used to have it as a necessity - like medicine. It was many years later that I had an omlette (plain I think) and I liked it very much. Much later, I would really enjoy a big omlette with veggies, toast with butter and a cup of coffee on the side. Sometime in 2017 I think, I stopped eating eggs. I had no aversion developed. It was not religious as well. I considered eggs as vegetarian as well. So I don't remember the reason exactly.  Maybe because I did a lot of Yoga and felt it didn't help flexibility I think. Any

The scientists of quantum stuff are working on furthering something called the "String theory". Basically they have realised that all the mathematics describing stuff like space-time, gravity, different waves, etc. - they are all fine individually but breakdown when considered all together. They are saying for it all to make sense, there should be more dimensions in the universe than the 3 we are familiar with. In fact, I think the magic number is 11. What would it be like? Can't even fathom it. One of them may be "time". It is a believed that we actively use only a very small portion of the brain's capacity. What if the rest of it has access to the other dimensions and we just don't know it? Eg, what are memories? Basically we are traversing through time and accessing experiences isn't it. On similar lines, if we can traverse backwards, it may be possible to traverse forwards too. Is that what a glimpse into future is? Is that what a premonition is?

Yesterday, during my sponge bath, I was rolled to the side and my ear lobe got pinned down on the pillow. I freed it of course - but it brought back some memories. One of the very early on irritants for me was side sleeping. Every 2 hours or so, I used to be "given position" as they refer to it. Basically, I had to be turned to lie on my sides so as to relieve the pressure constantly on the back and help some circulation. It was another matter that I could not lie for long on the side owing to my aspirations and cough and the trachiostomy. Folks could see that struggle and shift me back to lie straight on my back. I used to lie on my side very little owing to that. I am in fact very surprised that I didn't suffer from bed sores all along. The real irritants were not visible. When I was put to the side position, almost always, the ear lobe the side I was turned would be folded and pinned down on the pillow. It used to be very painful and uncomfortable. There was no way to

I don't remember how or why I landed on this thought. Basically I am bored. Here it is anyway... I think it is fairly well established that energy cannot be created or destroyed in the world. Well, we can pack some in a rocket and send it off to Mars maybe. That just changes the scope from world to universe, to galaxy and so on... What can be removed is very little I guess. Can almost neglect it. Safe to assume the energy on the planet is constant. Like all things, it probably is very dense at the core and gets a bit loose as we move out. Some of it probably splatters out here and there - like the drops on the surface when something is very hot and boiling. Is that what all life is? Just a biological body capturing a drop of the bubbling energy just at the right time. Hangs around with it for sometime. When the body becomes weak enough to hold on to it, the drop of energy falls back to the big mass of energy. After it falls back, there is no individual drop. Just one bit indistingu

Some time back I wrote about my passport country. My nationality.  As I think about it, I am physically rooted in these coordinates, but rarely in one place. It's usually ABC from Australia, CNA from Singapore, NDTV/ India Today from India, Al Jazeera from Doha, TRT from Istanbul, DW from Germany, France24 from France, EuroNews/RT from UK, ABC USA and WION from all over the world. I am dwelling in YouTube mostly. frequently visiting Netflix. Prime sometimes or Disney. I have permits for a few more Island nations but rarely visit them. Most of my remaining time is online - one thing or another. Physical national boundaries exit but have fully blurred. I am actually a citizen of Google. Resident of WhatsApp, regularly visit Amazon and occasionally I take trips to Microsoft land. I have heard Instagram and Tic Toc are very entertaining places. Most visitors settle there. But somehow, I have never been there. I have a visa for FB and LinkedIn, but I am bored by those places and don'

           1,000 days          =========== What would I do if I had these 1,000 days ... Would I continue to work like I used to - so I can achieve professional goals Or Would I spent more time with family and friends and be more available to them.  Would I travel and see more places -  Or Stay in one place and be more available/ reliable... Would I do more Yoga, Gym, running, etc - to lose some weight/ inches. Or Would I focus on improving my outlook. Would I meditate more - in search of peace of mind. Or Would I try to strive for a more comforted conscience. Would I pray more. Or Would I act more.  Would I talk a lot Or Would I be considered with my speech Would I eat and drink in excess. Or Would I be mindful and have a good diet. I don't know the answers.... for I was; Mostly at home for 1,000 days.    Rooted like a tree. Didn't have to work for 1,000 days.    Didn't have to contribute to anything. Didn't do anything for anyone for 1,000 days    Instead, everyone d

Today, I don't know how it landed there, the nurses asked me if I knew (don't remember the name). I had no idea. I was absorbed with something else and didn't even know what they were talking about. I indicated 'no' and their jaws dropped with surprise. They threw another name and I had no idea. Surprised again. Then they asked if I hadn't seen (some name). I could then make out they were quizzing me on malayalam actors of current generation. Few more names, peppered it a few ones saying the had acted across South Indian languages - no luck. Then they moved on to actresses. Even more surprise.  In all honesty, I might have recognised a few faces, but names - nada. It was like 2 circles of a Venn diagram refusing to intersect because of a chasm of generation gap inbetween.  "Chechi" in malayalam means "sister" - I have gathered that. So they asked me if I knew "Sunni Chechi". The "n" was pronounced as we do in "window&

The first thing I could move after a few weeks was my ring finger of my left hand. Rest of the fingers one by one. Then the wrist. Then the elbow. A lot later, the shoulder. It is still partial and very weak... On my left leg, I could wriggle my toes (except the 2nd - still doesn't move much). Then the ankle. Much later and very slowly, the knee - which is very weak still. I have just started a bit movement of my left hip. Basically bottom-up, both limbs. I naturally expected some day, I will start wriggling my fingers or toes on the right side. However the brain is doing a top-down to play with me. I have very slight movement on the hip and very little movement on the thigh . Can move the triceps a little and very little movement on the shoulder. Very weird feeling to move a hand or leg when the extremity (palm) doesn't move. Or to try to move a leg when can't feel anything beyond the knee. Wondering what trick is in store for the torso🤔 (waist, back, abdomen, waist, ches