20211108 : Speaking hurdles

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Whenever anyone visits me, I am asked and encouraged to speak. My family has asked a million times.

My vocal chords don't move. I don't get voice most of the time.

But that is a simple chicken and egg story. Unless I try it will not move. I know that. 

Even more funny is - what do I speak? Whenever I have tried, the word sounds fine in my head. But out comes a sort of a croak. Nobody can understand what I am trying to say. After half a dozen tries, everyone gives up and I am exhausted.

It is very easy when someone asks me to say a word. Still it is a croak that comes out - but since they know the word already. Irrespective of how it sounds, it sounds better as they already know the word.

It is the same with predictable sequences. Like 1,2,3... Or a,b,c... Or January, February, March... Etc.
They all sound intelligible - while I am still saying gibberish.

But if I don't speak gibberish, it won't sound any better. I know that too...
 
Most times I put on 2-syllable or 3-syllable words for kindergarten on YouTube and repeat them. The TV doesn't mind the gibberish.😂

The real hindrance for me to speak are these 2 things:

#1. In order to speak, I have to first open my mouth. My jaw is so tight that trying to open the mouth is a herculean task. I know the same funda applies - if I don't keep trying, it won't get any better. Only problem is that I have been non-stop trying my jaw movements for like a year only to have it get worse. I feel like there is a muzzle I am wearing. This one is made of very tight rubber. Every millimetre I manage to open, the resistance gets harder.

#2. On account of #1, my mouth is shut most of the time. There is so much saliva secreted in the mouth it's not even funny.
When I do open my mouth a bit, some position of the tongue and lips changes and all the saliva falls down.

I am not very concerned about that too. I am very accustomed to drooling all the time. I have a napkin (like a kid with a bib 🙂) on my chest always.

The trouble is, as much of it falls out, same amount falls in as well. A good amount falls down into the trachia (wind pipe). What follows is predictably unpleasant. 

Due to the above 2, one being a physical barrier and the other being a mental barrier, there is no attempt to progress.

Someday, atleast one of it will relent. I will be closely listening to the body for signs...


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