Mind of my Stroked Brain

I don't usually follow groups and comments online. I mostly can't - since I don't access any social media sites. Once in a while, I get some click through links from somewhere and I end up reading/ browsing or someone shares something on the group I am on and get to read. I feel the highest rated - like the top oxymoron of the 21st century is "I know how you are feeling". Or a step further "I know exactly how you are feeling". The thing is - nobody can feel exactly how anybody is feeling. Some folks - like minded, similar situations may be able to relate better, but cannot feel (and think) how someone else feels and thinks.  If they have to feel and think the same way, they have to be that person - not sufficient to wear their shoes and imagine. So, by extension, if someone/ anyone is doing something for me, it it the based on what they think and feel and act in the best way accordingly.  If I expect something else, there will be a gap.  The gap is cre...

Some days back, my TV broke. No, it did not break down. It broke! Period! When I was in the hospital, my nurses took turns alternate days to stay at the hospital. One of them, one of the days, thought it was a good idea (and it was a good idea), to open all the windows and air the room. We get very high winds in this apartment. It's especially high if  windows are open on both sides due to cross winds. The TV is in front of one of the windows. Like an open sail, it caught the wind and tipped over. These LED TVs are very light also. So basically it committed suicide. The screen/ panel looked like a windshield of a head-on collision. I was not sure what to do. I definitely needed a TV. I would surely go insane without one. The last time I had needed to get this model repaired, it took months and they had given up - unable to get the parts for this model. They had given a replacement as it was still under warranty. So, getting it fixed, was out of the question. I had to buy one. Again...

When I come to the hospital, I think about dying. The isolation in ICU helps. Not mine (well that also), but dying in general. Anyway I as usual worked up the mind about what has become, the physical struggle etc etc and finally got to the same ending. How to end it!. After several permutations and combinations same result. I can't see it through. Not now. Definitely not alone. So I wondered who would help me.  Nobody I can think of. I can understand the simple reason. It's classified Suicide. Its not allowed in this land by law. For argument's sake, if the law didn't restrict, could I enlist someone. It's still next to impossible. it is labelled "Suicide". Suicide is "bad" Everything from God to fear of bad karmas will stop anyone from helping. From what I understand, anything related to God and karma and rebirth is because everyone wants to have a better chance at liberation. We have taken it as truth - whether read from books or spoken etc.  B...

I feel, every type of place evokes certain types of feelings. It also makes us think a certain style. Ex, we can be at a school - and feel one way.  Or be at an airport - and feel different emotions. Similarly - hospitals. Our behaviour changes, we speak softer maybe, a little more sensitive to how others may feel - perfect strangers. We won't usually feel that way if we saw the same folk in a park. It usually evokes very deep questions about things too. When we see somebody else suffering, we think what would I do in that situation. We find some answers. Convincing or otherwise. Of course, few hours later, the scene changes, emotions change, mood changes and that train of thought gets derailed and fades. Of course I have the luxury of being in the space. And the luxury of time. In the ICU, its even more stark. Nobody is allowed to disturb us. No phones, no TV, no nothing. You only have the company of thoughts. As this is a hospital. The destinations for the trains are already set....

I can be a very irritating fellow. I don't have to do anything extra. I just have to be myself. For example, I sympathise with the X-ray person. All of them. They bring the portable x-ray machine to my bed. He will elevate the bed, prop me up. He can't do this alone. He needs to ask someone to help drag me forward and place the x-ray plate behind my back. It takes time to get it right, Position it correctly. Remove the support pillows - so it is a clear view. Then the x-ray camera itself. It moves in all the 3 axes. Much like a dentists light. Adjust the distance, adjust the flaps to get the right area focus the beam right. Then he realises my head is drooping. Its blocking some of the area. "Sir, lift your head up". Of course I will start the irritation process. I can't lift it up and hold it. He will think he found the problem. The pillow under the head. He will remove it and help lift the head. The saliva that has pooled in my throat will tip into the wind pipe...

Yesterday morning, one of my old physical rehab doctors - their head of the department actually, visited me in the morning. He did a cursory assessment lifting each limb, pressing the various muscles and hopefully understood what he can only understand. After all that, he told me that my PEG tube was looking very bad and I should get it replaced. I thought about it. It seemed like a genuine advice. The first time it was replaced after 14 months. Its already 16 months since, and it is looking bad. I thought about it. I am already in the hospital. Yes I am recovering from pneumonia, but I am doing nothing else. Besides, lungs are pulmonology department and stomach is gastro department. Shouldn't interfere much. So I sent a message to his assistant to go ahead. You can't change the pipe when the tank is full. So yesterday night was the last feed. I was kept on empty stomach after with IV fluids only. This morning they wheeled me down to the gastro procedure room. There are 4 of th...

Normally at home, I mostly watch news channels. All of them are live streaming channels on YouTube. Every so often they boast how good they are, how they are top rated, or the fastest to break the news etc. Or sometimes some political cartoon, some pandemic message or somebody screaming how important it is to act now to save the planet. Thing is, these are the times they don't know what to do. Their real counterparts are showing advertisments and earning money. But they don't want to show the ads on streaming channels as it becomes free on another medium. The brand's don't want to pay for the online counterparts because well - there isn't enough viewership online. So I get to enjoy these "fillers". This room has a TV with a few of the same channels. The real deal! I feel like having seen a celebrity for real, having seen only on screens thus far.. Here I get the real deal. One lousy commercial after another. Repeated in succession . The illusion is broken....

Before they moved me to the ICU, they sent me through the doughnut.  Don't know if it was for MRI or CAT. I hate these. Not the doughnut bit. But the will make me lie on a flat slab, no pillow also. That is enough to start my cough dancing. They will be shouting from somewhere "don't move sir" "stay still sir" etc. By some miracle, if the coughing stops for a few seconds, "take a deep breath sir - and hold it" And I'll start coughing again. (I'll first try to laugh 😂) I honestly don't know what scan they can do while I am conscious. Just have to accept the report whatever it says. But there was one benefit this time. Somebody who has drowned for a few seconds and water has gone into the lungs gushes out when laid flat. Well i hadn't got water and not just then. It was un-digested feed from hours ago. I was shocked with its colour (a mix of brown and black) and the amount. It was very thick and gooey too. When I saw that, I was like...

When I was in this hospital - needing them to supply feeds, it was 3 years ago. Had to take their service this time too. When they get the feed, they also give a bottle of water with it. They only need about 100ml each feed. Very soon, the bottles build up . At the rate of 3-4 everyday. There is a stand on which they are kept - neatly stacked next to each other - to better use space on the stand. In the room previously, it was meant to be a shared room for 2 patients. Naturally, it had 2 of those stands. One the nurses used for feeds and the other exclusively for storage of the bottles among other things. I used to ogle at the bottles. Whenever anyone came, the first thing they did was grab a bottle and glug it down (it was a hot summer). Not this room. It is a single room. Only 1 stand. The nurses need it next to me for the feeds. Its on my left side. The hand works. The bottles are neatly stacked next to me. Come to think of it, that's the closest I have come to a bottle of water...

We arrived at the destination. I could see my wife, my friend, my cousin and my nurse. It was not home ground but familiar turf. Good to have familiar faces on the team batting with you. Getting to the emergency department - its like going into the jungle. Leeches instantly start sucking the blood, an insect pricking your fingers to see if you are sweet and tasty, the serpent on your arm, with its tight stranglehold, being ripped of your clothes, the pulling of the thorns - taking stock of your heart, etc Then being spread on the flat stone - to see how photogenic your lungs are, etc I am familiar with this adventure. They removed the tshirt i was wearing and instead of the gown coming on, they closed the screens and made the bed flat. Then off came the shorts i was wearing. I can't lie flat but I didn't care , it would take a few seconds anyway. Instead of feeling the fresh garment on me, i could hear the rip to remove the diaper. Now, I am in the flat position. I can't li...

Some days back, in the afternoon, I felt a bit uneasy in my abdomen area. I can't feel much there, so couldn't make out if it was my stomach or intestine or liver or something else. Anyway, I wanted to be cautious so asked my nurses to reduce my feed volume. My wife also suggested I avoid the usual feed and have gangi (boile rice water) till i fell better. I normally sit out on the wheelchair at 4pm and sit till 8pm. Sometimes even 9pm. My bladder can hold a max of ~300ml. By 7pm, it is usual to have passed urine twice. Not that day, it was 7pm and not even once. I was also feeling very tired and couldn't sit longer. I thought if that much fluid (I had had full feeds till 2;30pm) had made it into my metabolic system surely the bladder world have given way. If the intestine had absorbed it, and the kidneys had not filtered, i would be bloating - especially at the ankles. That was not the case. I had also felt a bit gassy in the abdomen, but if it was stomach gas, it would h...

During this rehab, I have encountered two kinds of effort. Effort of the mind and effort of the body or muscle. When we do something, it is very hard to discern the difference - because they happen together. Instantaneous! Ex, we usually think we want to move the hand and it instantly moves. It is absolutely difficult to discern that we first had to think of it and that thought caused it to move. This is a voluntary action - it is practically impossible to realise it for autonomous actions. Ex, swallowing, voicing, closing the nose when we blow, etc. However, with my case of the stroke and consequent condition, the two have been very very amplified. Sometimes there is as much as a 2 second gap between my thought and causing the action - however little. It is extremely effort intensive and draining to do it. I have never managed to sustain the effort or intention or will beyond about 2 seconds. It is not like thinking of something - like many times said in meditation. To focus on someth...

"Energy can not be created or destroyed but can be converted from one form to another." It's something we have learnt in school and is a law by itself that governs us - the whole universe. Human beings, all beings actually, are arguably just energy. That includes animals, aquatic life, insect etc. Also includes plants, shrubs, trees, etc. All things with a life, so to speak. So what is conception and giving birth to another life? Same as hatching or germination. A new life is created. A new bundle of energy. Does the energy of the mother (parent in general - most don't have a gender), become lesser at thit time or energy just grows. I would think it grows - the parent is unlikely to make it if energy is taken away each time. (Huge no. of kids earlier!) I would think the energy contained grows bigger as we grow. I guess this is well known - that energy comes from the food we consume. It is plant and animal energy that we ingest. When we expire? Where does the energy go...

It was quite warm today. It's getting to end of March and summer well and truly has set in.  I don't know what everyone is fighting about with global temperature rise to be kept below 1.5⁰c. it feels like a lot more than that already. I usually sit out on the wheelchair in the family room at 4:00pm. We have a pedestal fan near where I sit and by the time I get there, someone would have already switched it on. Today, it was not switched on. The usual breeze was missing. There was no natural breeze either. Normally, there is a good breeze from the balcony owing to the height we are in. Today it was very still. I remember when I was in the hospital 3 years ago. Everyone was so troubled by the heat when I was not feeling anything... Wait a minute. It was warm today! That means the bulb of my thermometer - which was blown, is slowly getting fixed. New mercury is being replenished! 🙂 Now I know its going to be gradual and very slow. But the needle has started to move. 3 years! I thi...

As I go through this journey/ process of rehab, I am realising it is a process of patience and efforts. It is probably different for different conditions and strokes, however this is what I am encountering. Of course one needs to exercise both for any recovery - generally speaking. However I guess it is not a case of both overall, but sequential for every bit. Initially, when I was just a lump of flesh and bones, I could not move a muscle anywhere. I guess there is a lot of encouragement to do things etc etc. However it only needs patience and more patience. I remember, there was everyone encouraging and pushing to do this and that, do more, etc. And I would be wondering what they mean.  The brain was not connected to the body. Its very difficult to describe the feeling but simply put, I didn't know what it means. I knew what is being asked but I didn't know what it bodily meant. For ex, I would be asked in physio to move some part, in swallowing therapy i would be asked to swa...

I have mentioned many times earlier about my battle with a few spoons every afternoon. Usually it is a soup of tomato or carrot or a combination of the two. Given my tolerance, no spices are added. Just a pinch of salt to taste . It tastes good and I have got used to them. Few days back, I was given something else. I couldn't identify the taste/ flavour. So I asked later and I was told what it was. It's a vegetable I must have had a million times in all possible ways. And I couldn't recognise it! Its plain naked as well - no other spices and flavours. I then realised I don't get the taste of the others properly also. I just imagine it is so because of the colour. More towards Red it must be tomato and more towards Orange it must be carrots. And combinations for the hues inbetween. I don't actually know what it tastes like. It will be fun if I do a blind taste test. I am guessing they will all taste similar. Even more fun, if no blindfold but food colouring is used ...

Few days back, I heard our housekeeper saying that my younger daughter's cycle had become small and needs a bigger cycle.  It's been 4 years since we got this. I remember having taken the girls to decathlon (a big sports goods store) and having got her this one. I think it was a white/ pink combo and she was thrilled with it. Her birthday is less than 2 months away and will make a nice gift this time around. Needless to say, I was quick to get online and do the research and try to select. Gosh, I simply cannot start with all the varieties and options out there. Cycles come with shock absorbers nowadays! No more bumpy rides... There are so many varieties of seats - hard to soft to comfortable to wide to springy etc, etc. And the gear chain mechanism - is a world of it's own. She won't need gears though - it's only mainly around the apartment. Maybe a basket in front will be helpful which she can use for the bag she takes to play. Don't need a carrier maybe. I fel...

Somebody recently remarked on the tolerance I have shown with regard to my journey. On occasions, I have also been told I have been very strong, very brave , so on - through dealing with all circumstances after the stroke. I have reflected and pondered on it many times. I don't think I thought myself weak or fearful etc. but I also hadn't associated myself with brave, strong, etc. I have honestly wondered how and where the drive is coming from. After a lot of thinking, I have narrowed it down to 3 things mainly. 1. The affection, care, patience and help of my wife, kids, close friends and family.  I know, it sounds like the customary mention of a recipient of an Oscar's acceptance speech - but I can't highlight how important it is to have understanding, support and most importantly, patience from folks around you when going through something like this. Most times when I have been difficult and stubborn to anybody in the normal scheme of things, I have done it knowingly ...

When I was a boy, in school, my mother used to wake me up early in the morning. Most of the time it would be to study when it was close to the tests/ exams. Later, it was regular - as I had to go for my maths tution. it was at 6:30am, so I had to be up early and get ready and cycle about 15 mins to get there... I would reluctantly get up, go brush my teeth, finish my morning ablutions and change my clothes. It was Nutramul/ Maltova/ Bournvita/ Complan days and a big nice hot mug would be waiting for me. I would gulp it down, take the cycle and get to the premises as fast as I could. I would usually make it just in time or just late and would squeeze myself in the corner at the back. For some reason, this teacher loved simultaneous equations/ quadratic equations and it was very common to find very familiar problems on the board which he would give and go home (adjoining) for a cuppa. That was the time to snooze for me. More often than not, I would hear him suddenly come and shouting at...

I was recently reading a blog by somebody, regarding the health roller coaster ride they are having the experiences and advice to folks reading. It is not new. I have come across and read many many such experiences, journeys and advices to everyone. Depending on the circumstances, the illness, the criticality, etc, the advices vary. Most common ones range from eat healthy, exercise regularly, sleep enough, get regular check-ups, avoid something, don't ignore red flags, etc, etc. I was wondering what I have to give as advise (unsolicited 🙂) to others from my experiences. Doing all of the above didn't really help. So I would like to tell: Eat healthy Sleep healthy Exercise and stay fit and healthy Get regular health check-ups Avoid unhealthy habits Pay attention to health indicators Do all of the above and when Mr. Murphy, with his battlecry of "when something can go wrong, it will" comes knocking on your door. Have a very good and comprehensive Health Insurance plan ...

I realised today that I have forgotten half my life. If every year is stacked up, I don't mean a horizontal cut of 23 years, but a vertical cut of half of everything every year. I think, when I (or anybody for that) recollect something from memory, there are 2 parts that make up the memory. One I will simply call the 'event' and the other part is the 'feeling'. By feeling, it is not the sensory feeling (which is physical and still the event) but a feeling that is non physical and happens in the mind, during or as a consequence of the event. Ex, you eat something you like, apart from the sensation, sight, smell and taste there is a feeling of joy and satisfaction of having it. I'll take another example. One of the first things I usually did in the morning was brush my teeth. I remember exactly what I did. Brush in the right, paste in the left, squeeze, rinse the mouth and brush for about 3 minutes before rinsing again. I actually remember the order in which I use...

You know what I realised, I finally caught Google being absolutely wrong! You see... I double checked this morning and it said today was international women's day. I trusted it blindly and send wishes to a lot of women in my contacts. I was quickly called out as wrong by several of them saying today is not. It's actually "everyday of the year" Today must be "Men's day" then if today is not and all the other's are taken 😂😂😂

This need belief in God and rebirth. But if true, it's funny 😂 Almighty: "Ah welcome". Me: "Nice place. A little too white for my liking". Almighty: "What took you so long? You were scheduled to arrive long back." Me: "I am sorry. I had everything organized back then. Last minute glitch in plans. I couldn't free myself in time. I have been trapped since. Very painful and long years". Almighty: "Well, better late than never I guess." Me: "Yup. That's all that matters. So what's the next assignment?" Almighty: "Nothing." Me: "what do you mean?" Almighty: "Well, my records say you have completed the 1,000,000 lives and there are no more assignments." Me: "But, but, I am cheated. I didn't have a full life. I want to go back and have a full and complete time." Almighty: "Well, this one was full and complete long time back. I don't know what you were doing hanging...