20220312 : strength within

Somebody recently remarked on the tolerance I have shown with regard to my journey.

On occasions, I have also been told I have been very strong, very brave , so on - through dealing with all circumstances after the stroke.

I have reflected and pondered on it many times. I don't think I thought myself weak or fearful etc. but I also hadn't associated myself with brave, strong, etc.

I have honestly wondered how and where the drive is coming from.

After a lot of thinking, I have narrowed it down to 3 things mainly.

1. The affection, care, patience and help of my wife, kids, close friends and family. 

I know, it sounds like the customary mention of a recipient of an Oscar's acceptance speech - but I can't highlight how important it is to have understanding, support and most importantly, patience from folks around you when going through something like this. Most times when I have been difficult and stubborn to anybody in the normal scheme of things, I have done it knowingly that I am being difficult. It takes a lot of patience to recognise that I am coming from an abnormal scheme of things and put up with it.

2. I have often read and heard things like chose to be positive, chose to be strong, chose the right attitude, etc... very similar things.

I think what really helped me is not having a choice. 

If there were choices, I don't think I would have pulled this far.

 

After the first several months, I realised that I don't have a choice. I definitely wanted it all to end, but I realised it won't. I can't end it and nobody will either. So I existed not by choice but the lack of it.

One of the things that has helped me along the way is asking myself the question "what's the alternative?"

It helps me see that there is really no viable alternative to what's ahead. 

It has crossed my mind many many times that it is a dead end and I should give up and stop. But when I run the alternative scenario in my mind - it only ends up with more suffering for me, more struggle for my loved ones, overall a much louzier scenerio for everyone and for a prolonged duration. If it led to an assured end anytime soon, I would have picked it.

3. I have been doing the gym thingy very many times earlier. After a few days, it is common to find myself (everyone I think) in front of the mirror flexing the muscles or on the scales often or with an inch tape depending on the goal.

It is very well known and foolish to expect any difference in just the first few days. But if lucky and with rigour, a small change can be noticed in maybe a month. If we keep up the routine and discipline, in 3 months, we can definitely expect to see results and recognisable changes.

However when you don't see changes in 3 months, 6 months, a year etc, you realise you are not in the same game. Sure you will see some very minor changes - but it will probably be over 18 months or more. In the months scale nothing happens.

After the first year or so, I gave up on any expectations. 

It's not like I have stopped doing things or don't want to get any better.

But I now do things simply because it needs to be done and not because it will lead to something.

Surprisingly, that outlook has helped with not only physical rehab stuff, but has extended to the mind. 

Just doing the things needed not expecting the outcomes.

I can be very sure, if I had continued to have any kind of expectations, goals and targets, I would have given up and stopped long long time back due to disappointments after disappointments

 This is not a path of successes and victories, it is a path of failures upon failures, and it takes a while to get used to it and become thick skinned about it.

so, #1 is not me. It gives me immense strength but comes from outside.

#2 and #3 are probably the most appropriate way I have of saying it.

I know it is not very glamorous and I can't coin it to some catchy phrase which can inspire or motivate somebody, but that's what it is 🤷🏽‍♂️

I guess it is just living with the flow of things with minimal resistance to everything....