20220320 : efforts and fatigue

During this rehab, I have encountered two kinds of effort.

Effort of the mind and effort of the body or muscle.

When we do something, it is very hard to discern the difference - because they happen together. Instantaneous!

Ex, we usually think we want to move the hand and it instantly moves.

It is absolutely difficult to discern that we first had to think of it and that thought caused it to move. This is a voluntary action - it is practically impossible to realise it for autonomous actions.

Ex, swallowing, voicing, closing the nose when we blow, etc.

However, with my case of the stroke and consequent condition, the two have been very very amplified.

Sometimes there is as much as a 2 second gap between my thought and causing the action - however little.

It is extremely effort intensive and draining to do it. I have never managed to sustain the effort or intention or will beyond about 2 seconds.

It is not like thinking of something - like many times said in meditation. To focus on something an focus and not get distracted.

It is a completely different kind of thought or intent. There is no way you can get distracted. You simply cannot even start if you have any other thought.

And the mind gets fatigued. Very fast. When the intended action doesn't follow, it fatigues very very quickly and stops. Staying on the intent is extremely tiring.

The other kind is something we are familiar with - the muscle getting fatigued and tided.

The muscle simply empties the stored energy (the biology is well known), and simply is done. Can't move anymore even if the mind wants it.

The closest I can think we would experience this in some endurance activity - ex, long distance running - where after a point, the body probably has som energy left and it is now the mind 's part to stay on the will to extract the last bit from the body.

I have another example, probably easier to relate to.

When we do some guided repetitive activity, ex, lets say your coach in the gym has asked to do 30 pushups - 30 being your best so far.

You start pushing, 10 is a breeze, 20 was difficult but ok, 25 you are tired, 26, 27, 28, are very difficult, 29 is draining and 30 is absolutely asking everything. You have just given everything you have got, lifted yourself up and 30 it is. Just before reaching the top, you were ready to crash down roll over and gasp for breath - you had to hold your breath for the last one.

That's when you hear your coach bellowing "one more! Come on just one more"

And it splits.

It's now mind staying on the intent, pushing the will - to see if there is anything left in the muscle.

There is probably something left in the muscle. But is there anything left in the mind!

I don't want to exaggerate, but when asked to move something which is not yet connected firmly in the brain, every repetition feels like the 31st one.

After about a few times, I can distinctly feel, when the mind is staying on the intent but the muscle simply won't move. I know then that the muscle has fatigued. Time to stop!

The real struggle, for months and months, has been to understand the difference to put effort in the right place....