20220309 : hollow memories...

I realised today that I have forgotten half my life. If every year is stacked up, I don't mean a horizontal cut of 23 years, but a vertical cut of half of everything every year.

I think, when I (or anybody for that) recollect something from memory, there are 2 parts that make up the memory. One I will simply call the 'event' and the other part is the 'feeling'. By feeling, it is not the sensory feeling (which is physical and still the event) but a feeling that is non physical and happens in the mind, during or as a consequence of the event.

Ex, you eat something you like, apart from the sensation, sight, smell and taste there is a feeling of joy and satisfaction of having it.

I'll take another example. One of the first things I usually did in the morning was brush my teeth. I remember exactly what I did. Brush in the right, paste in the left, squeeze, rinse the mouth and brush for about 3 minutes before rinsing again. I actually remember the order in which I used to go to cover the teeth.

But try as much as I want, I can't remember the feeling. Of having done it. Feeling of freshness. Feeling of satisfaction. etc.

As I examine many many other things - simple stuff, complex stuff, etc. I can remember everything about everything to the minutest details, but nothing of the feeling.

Its like having a structure but empty inside. A huge mansion which is completely unfurnished inside. Like a fireplace which gives only light but no warmth and coziness. 

Did the stroke blow up some circuits which controls feelings? Or memories are dynamic things where we have to regularly revisit and revitalize the feelings.

Recollect the same events, but feel differently each time.

Does it help tamper with old memories or help temper the feelings towards events over time.

I just know, right now my memories are cold hollow shells , having no flame of warmth in them 🙁

PS: why I ended up thinking about it... I was trying to hold my breath. It's been 3 years since I have been able to breathe voluntarily and hold my breath even for a fraction of a second. 

Something I did everyday several times. I remember all the physical aspects - deeply inhaling, expanding the chest, the diaphragm pulling down and stopping. But I could not recollect the feeling. The emotional feeling of fullness. 

I tried recollecting many ways - just plain , how I felt during yoga asanas, how I felt during meditation/ pranayama, how I felt holding breath underwater, how I felt on the bike - holding breath while passing through a foul smell, etc. But nothing.. I just can't feel the feeling by recounting the memory 🤷🏽‍♂️