Mind of my Stroked Brain

I think we all have read many definitions of leaders and managers. If I generalize and simplify, we look towards good leaders for inspiration and vision and look towards good managers for efficiency and execution. We probably depended on good leaders for leading us to make decisions and policies and laws and so on. It goes without saying they had to be well educated, learned, informed, etc so that they could do the role well on behalf of a vast no of people - for whom it was not possible to fit that bill. Also, electing leaders is very cumbersome. There is a huge lead up campaigning/ canvassing, the actual election is demanding and expensive. I guess the 4-5 year term is to just take a breather before starting again. Currently, there are hoards of people protesting world over - All of them protesting because their "leaders" are doing their own thing and they have to live the consequences of the choices made for them. But frankly, do we need leaders today?. We do generally - I

I remember seeing a visual several years ago on one of the nature channels... It involved a lion attacking a sort of some kind of a wild buffalo. Usually it is a foregone conclusion. In this instance though, the buffalo stood ground and fought back. Sure it has no claws and canines, but it had strong horns. Seeing it fight back, few others grew b***s. Always used to seeing every other buffalo running away, took note of this unexpected behaviour, turned around and joined in taking a poke at the lion. Eventually the lion gave up and the buffalo survived. The lion in this case was perplexed. It expected the buffalo to run - to be an easy game. The buffalo, as it had several generations of behaviour had to run. But it didn't, and lived! It probably takes a spine of 1 in a few billion to do that and change the course of what can be called fate...

Sometime back, I have mentioned about my OCD issues. It's not fair to blame everything on ocd. Before the stroke, I have wanted many many things to be done my way. When I didn't have it my way, I have most probably shared how it should be done right (my way of course) and why I think it is the right way to do it. When I had the stroke, the first of things was to learn to accept (compromise?) everything the way it was done. That doesn't mean I didn't have a view. I had a view on everything. I just couldn't convey anything. This was not even things to do for me - those I still lodged my protests throwing tantrums however I could. Even if I couldn't convey the (in my view) the right way, I would do sufficient fuss to convey my displeasure on things I didn't like. Everything else too which had nothing to do with me. Over a period of time, I kinda got to living a disassociated life. Sure, I was making a noise about things that impacted directly for me, but everyt

My phone is a little over 4 years old. Everything works 100%. Just the battery is weak because of the age. It's not a problem either - it's not like i am going anywhere to be worried I will run out of juice. I just have to part with it a few more times during the day to recharge... Few months back, I had the urge to get a new phone. It was not a necessity by any measure - just a itch in the palm (colloquially speaking). But I could not get myself to do it. Before my stroke, I held a job with an IT company. It was reasonably stable. I earned ok generally - quite ok in India for a comfortable living. I was not the splurging type, but I didn't hesitate once in a while to buy things for me or my family - stuff on the surface that can be categorised as needless and wants. After my stroke, this was a big impact to me (besides the fact that I could not move ie 😂). I was no longer bringing in any more money. Sure there was savings, but the fuse for the bomb was lit. The wick would

I stopped studying biology after 10th. I hated it. I avoided it very much - I liked things with wires. During and after engineering, I was an engineer in my mind, I would avoid biology stuff. In recent times, after 3 decades, I have realised I actually enjoy it. Understanding various things about humans/ animals/ etc. I realised it was a combination of the subject delivery that had brought the aversion which I built on top of. I spent 3 decades avoiding something because I had behaved according to an image of myself I had created.  There are many such things which I have not done because it is not me or my type , because I think so or others have told me so. I also regularly come across tons of messages, memes, Quotes, etc. everyday. They come in many shapes and forms - essentially meaning - " I am like this only, take it or leave it". I think we are all born a clean slate.   As we grow, we acquire many things - skills, thinking, stuff, roles, etc. The image starts slowly for

Today is Valentine's day. A good day to talk about the heart.  Something I learnt recently. The head is not the only organ in the body that has a brain - strictly speaking, "thinking" assumed to be attributed to neurons. Turns out there are nurons in the heart as well. About 40,000 of them. There are no other organs in the body (that we know of yet) that have nurons. Of course it may be incomparable to the brain - which has upwards of 100 billion of them. But a nuron is a nuron. However many. The heart and brain communicate all the time through the Vagus nerve; probably one of the most complicated of the nerves we have - as it controls very many major autonomous functions like heart function, lung function, digestion so on and so forth. As with most other things, we don't know what the heart perceives or tells the brain. But it has been shown in studies, when we experience feelings of love, compassion, etc., the Vagus nerve lights up. So the next time you say I did s

When I got movements in my left hand - for a long time, I could only move the fingers and forearm. I had very little movements or strength in the shoulder to be able to lift the elbow from the bed - no matter how much I tried. This was very frustrating as i was still getting through the experience of itches and being unable to scratch and having to ignore it. However, once in a while, I would lift my hand and scratch my face. I would try this again but nada. Wouldn't happen. I would be hoping very much that nobody sees it. Whenever someone caught me doing it, the understandable conclusion was I am able to lift the hand and I was probably pretending other times to be unable to. It was a very logical conclusion - scratching somewhere is a voluntary thing. It used to upset me very much not to be able to communicate and convince anyone I could not do it voluntarily again. So it continued for sometime. Later it went away - not the itch and scratches, but the convincing others bit, as I

I could wrong someone... and get away with it. Could be very inconsequential. A small lie, a small inconvenience, a small something.... It might make no difference in the scheme of things... Many times, there is a good reason. Many times that's what everybody does. Many a time, that's the social norm.. All the reasons and explanations stand good for others. But within, you know the reality, without explanations. It's like a blot on the conscience. It might be a small blot, but a blot it is. Over time it fades away too. But leaves it's very faint colour. Like a white cloth washed with a drop of ink. Won't make much of a difference.  But washing the same cloth repeatedly with a drop of ink of various types, will certainly change it's colour. From bright white irreversibly to a pale unrecognisable colour...

The "Matrix" franchise has come out last year with their latest movie - 22 years after the first instalment in 1999. I think there may have been books and similar themed movies earlier, but the matrix probably had the most mass audience impact. It was probably the first mind-bending concept of people living in a made up world in their minds, while physicall living somewhere else. 22 years in a long time. There have been several other similarly themed ones after.... Why do we think so however? While everything around us seems real enough, we do have a constant suspicion that we are in a made up world. If so; who would make up the world for us? I mean, who is easy to speculate - has to be someone we can't understand/ comprehend - a God is the usual culprit. But "why" though? I can't think of anything worthwhile from these bodies (assuming the real physical body resembles this). It could be vastly different - I don't know. 🤷🏽‍♂️ I think we don't need

"Just message we'll skip today" "Cool. What do you intend to do instead?" "I'll watch some TV." "It's too noisy early in the morning. Anyway 'news' - same things will repeat in 1 hr in all channels." "I'll use the mobile - something urgent may be there." "Are you kidding me? Important! Nothing worth your attention has beeped in a while. Everything else can wait." "Besides, it is running out of juice and needs to be charged." "I am a little tired today." "Tired of what? You just got up." "Besides, you lie around all day afterwards."  "I am just not feeling like it." "How many times to have the same conversation. Feelings don't come before thoughts! Just think differently." "Ok...." _______________ That was the actual conversation my mind had with my mind this morning before the physiotherapy session. I am guessing the lazy part of

There used to be a wild animal. It used to create a havoc whenever it visited. Schools, Colleges, offices alike. Then the pandemic came.  It was more ferocious than the beast. Everyone took cover. And figured means to survive. Now the beast is caged - looking weak and seems toothless. Got to give it a different name now. "Bundh" doesn't suit it anymore...

Some days back, I was chatting with my friend - something about the mind being active when not conscious. It raked up some memories after the stroke when I was in the ICU.  I think for about 3 weeks the world was dead to me. But I was living in other fantastical worlds. From land to water to ice, they were all kinds of worlds. Some of these are slightly hazy now - on account of the time, but many are very vivid in my recollection. For about 2 weeks after, when I was waking up to this world, many things were mixed up (quite seamlessly) amongst the worlds that I had no way to tell one from the other. I know I acted up weirdly  here mixing both. Which got me thinking - there are so many things that are taken as given as rules of this world. Not man made rules but absolute behaviours. Eg, gravity, behaviour of light, etc. Basically the unquestionable laws of this world. However in the other worlds I lived and experienced - made up worlds maybe; but very real to me for that period - these l

Today is my  3rd strokeversary . 1,095 days (well 1,095.75 days 🙄).  Unbelievable for me, but I have survived another year.  It has been a hard year!  Physically - it has been what it has been.  Mentally - it has been much much harder! I could not have made it without the Love, affection, patience and care of my Wife , my Kids , my Family , my Friends , my therapist , my several nurses , my various Doctors , support of many of you well wishers and lastly (but not the least) - our Dog ! Rather than write some boring stuff describing my experiences the last year (which I have done no short job of - I assume), I thought I should share a sort of - objective view of the progress in the last year.  A sort of " Report Card " on the year if you will. Everything here is also subjective. But I have converted the subjectivity to a scale of 0 - 10, simply because we generally understand numbers better than long descriptions. 10 does not denote something is fully working fine. It just

I was watching something last night regarding most the expensive places. I gather the most expensive real estate currently is in Hongkong per sqft. Couple of days back, I had an opthalmologist and 2 other optometrists at home checking my vision and the corrections needed in glasses. After a lot of checking (and my amazing ability to convey 😂), it was established what the power had to be. It was also established that I needed reading glasses. So the options were : 1. Two seperate glasses - for TV and for reading (phone) 2. Bifocals 3. Progressive lenses Progressive takes time to get used to, same with bifocals - plus it's irritating with 2 lenses and the boundary seperating them. So they suggested I go for the option of two separate glasses. I said "no".. They were telling me why it might be better, all very valid and logical reasons.  I was continuing to indicate "no". They must have concluded that I am insane or stubborn as a donkey not to heed to logical advi

An optimist is one who believes everything will go according to plan. Right - first time. A pessimist expects everything that can go wrong in the plan; will - all the time. A realist/ pragmatist is a blend of both. Accounts for just few things going wrong and provides for just enough extra (anything). It's like having both salt and pepper for a tasty dish. Both salt and pepper are as per one's taste...

Last night, the TV remote hung for some reason and didn't work. When it was time to sleep, it didn't work to switch off the TV. The nurses tried for sometime. Tried the usual, which we all do - taking it closer, slapping it on their palm, opening and adjusting the batteries... It wouldn't relent.  Then they did the next logical thing - try and find the "off" button on the TV. I have a "smart TV". It will outsmart anyone trying to find the off switch. It has no buttons on it. (Don't know if it's by design or they simply forgot to put it!) Anyway it was fun! Not their struggle, but the recollection of a similar scenario... When I was in the hospital (just after the stroke), there was a TV in my room. It had a peculiar mechanism. All the buttons on the remote worked, except the "power" button. So you had to go to the TV and switch it on, then operate the remote. The "on" button was hard to find on the TV - it was somewhat hard to

Yesterday, during the bath in the evening, and when I was made to lie on the side, I was pinched on my buttocks. It brought to memory, when I used to get pinched on the buttocks very often in the hospital. I was horrified. I assumed they do such things to patients in my condition. Complete helpless and unable to say anything. It was very demeaning and frustrating and a horrible feeling. Thoughts of such actions done in crowded places to abuse others (women mostly) came to mind and I could feel the hopelessness. It took me a long time to realise that nobody was pinching my buttocks! I had lost all muscle/ flesh and only skin on my behind, and when I am turned to the side and they tuck down the diaper and under-pad, the skin gets pulled because of the rubber gloves they wear and gives the same feeling of being pinched 😂 It was hilarious in my head when I realised it. But the demeaning and frustrated feeling of being abused was real - and gave me a sense of what that feels like to be the

Another disclaimer : this is my own experiences and observations and not a proven science. So take it with a pinch of salt, ample salt actually. ______________________ Every morning, early, I have a very bad cough. I cough all through the day, but the morning ones are particularly bad. Especially as I am not in the elevated position yet and still lying down. It is not a dry cough, it is a very chesty cough. Of course I can not feel anything much, but that is my assessment based on what I hear. I can hear the secretions in the lungs and trachea making all kinds of noises when I cough. Rest of the day, I don't experience it that often and that much. I have tried to correlate it with sleep, tiredness, fever, feed, any other discomfort etc. and I have unable to correlate. One thing I realised recently was that it would be dark when I started coughing, little before 6:00am and stops after about 8:00am - it is also the time I am elevated (come to a sitting position). If it was just the p

On some occasions, I have referred to body, brain, mind etc., and sometimes in 3rd person. Some of you have remarked what it means. So I am trying to clarify. Hopefully it will make sense. ____________________ Disclaimer : these are my thoughts and only my blah blah blah... That's true but not entirely true. I watch stuff all the time from philosophers, spiritual folks, science stuff, medical stuff, modern thinkers, etc.  I will be lying through my teeth if I claimed independent and uninfluenced thoughts. I just don't know how much is my own and who has influenced what. I can only say, if it resembles somebody else's views - it probably is. So assume it is that person saying it; in my words (hopefully that is not plagiarised too). ________________________ The way I have experienced these, I think we have the following entities: mind, physical body, energy body, brain, feelings/ emotions. Why I look at them as separate things, is because one triggers the other and can almost