20220225 : disassociation...

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Sometime back, I have mentioned about my OCD issues.

It's not fair to blame everything on ocd. Before the stroke, I have wanted many many things to be done my way. When I didn't have it my way, I have most probably shared how it should be done right (my way of course) and why I think it is the right way to do it.

When I had the stroke, the first of things was to learn to accept (compromise?) everything the way it was done. That doesn't mean I didn't have a view. I had a view on everything. I just couldn't convey anything.

This was not even things to do for me - those I still lodged my protests throwing tantrums however I could. Even if I couldn't convey the (in my view) the right way, I would do sufficient fuss to convey my displeasure on things I didn't like. Everything else too which had nothing to do with me.

Over a period of time, I kinda got to living a disassociated life. Sure, I was making a noise about things that impacted directly for me, but everything else regarding everything else I couldn't care. Not that I didn't care, thinking a lot about it only increased my angst as I could not do anything about it.

Over time, I had become good at not bothering. Not just how things were to be done, but even not caring that anything had to be done.

This sort of disassociation and dispassionate living is undoubtedly very sad, but in a peculiar way , was quite liberating as well.

It's a very different feeling to live and not feel responsible for anything, including for your own life.

After I got the ability to communicate over messages/ mails, sure I still don't do anything, but that ability to ignore and accept situations is progressively going down.

I will bug the hell out of someone (usually my wife) on things to do and how to do it.

There still are many situations I can do nothing about.

It is a constant argument in my mind - which ones to pursue and do something or to just let go.

I am also very cognizant that I am an armchair preacher (well armchair would have been better, I am a comfortable bed preacher). I must be absolutely irritating to everyone - I don't have to lift a finger and to expect things to be done and done a certain way (well, actually, a finger is the only thing I have to lift 😂)

When I was unable to do anything, there was no guilt of doing nothing.

Now when I have to let go, there is a constant feeling of being guilty for not trying enough ... 

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