Mind of my Stroked Brain

This will certainty feel like a mad man's theories. Well, since I am not far from that description, here goes ... I have seen/ observed this from a long time (atleast the last 2 years). Most of them I have noticed but have not managed to connect the dots until now. I think I have shared earlier, that my faculties/ abilities go back and forth and it is quite unpredictable at a given time. In the early days after my stroke, when I was still in the hospital, I would get very upset when my left hand/ fingers used to suddenly feel very weak or stop altogether. It used to be exasperated by my inability to express/ communicate what I was feeling. It used to be very unnerving as well because everyone (including the doctors) kept telling me that it was not possible to lose an ability once it started working. When what I was experiencing was clearly different. I understand loosing an ability due to muscle wasting/ atrophy. But that takes place gradually, not overnight like I was experienci

I am sharing this information simply because it is amusing how I had assumed otherwise for so many years and it was an eye-opener to me. Disclaimer : this is a summary in my words based on many things I read in many places. so it may not be absolutely accurate, but I hope it is not incorrect.  Neither am I trying to challenge or disprove anything/ anyone. Just an attempt to share information. ________________________ For many years now, I have subscribed to the thinking that a " full   moon " causes many effects on our body - many subtle effects which are not perceptible by many. And why not, we have seen the effect the moon has on the ocean tides - a full moon has to have a bigger effect then. Well, turns out, since it is only reflected light of the Sun, makes no difference whether it is full or half or new moon. Although the light shines differently everyday, it's the same moon everyday. Full and whole... But the moon does have a gravitational impact on the earth - that

More I look for what someone is not doing,    More I will find. More I look for what someone is doing,   More I will find as well. Same person, same reality. In the former, I trouble the mind (and the body as a consequence I suppose). In the latter, I nourish the mind (and the body). Which line I pursue is upto me, not the mind...

I was seeing something on news yesterday. I was taken aback.  Did some digging and found more videos and materials They are working on creating a synthetic womb! Basically want to have a full fledged environment that can help develop the foetus. It is meant to give freedom of choice, women, can choose health, career, etc. and equality in all areas. There are many groups and prominent individuals in favour of the initiative and backing it. I frankly don't know if they will be successful with achieving it. But I won't be surprised if they do as well.. Bearing a child I am sure is not easy. The trouble, the discomfort, the pain, etc. I just cannot fathom it. But isn't that the point? I as a male, will never be able to fathom it.  Isn't that the 1 thing that nature has bestowed upon women to set them apart (elevated in my opinion)? Sure the society is not very accommodating today, but instead of trying to work on the society, we want to change the woman to accommodate the

I have come across many theories of life, karma etc. One of them is regarding rebirth. Of course there is a big interlinking with the karma philosophy; but also about desires. Unfulfilled desires to be specific. If one has fulfilled all desires in this life and does not desire anything more, then they are closer to a chance at breaking the cycle of rebirth. Conversely, if one has any unfulfilled desires in this life, that desire is probably a sure shot ticket to rebirth. Just in case I am late to the platform of the rebirth bus, In the past 3 years, I must have bought a million of those tickets across all buses, trains and planes. I shouldn't have trouble getting to the destination. So please be considerate, kind and gentle towards the planet. I have to come and inherit it....

My TV is not working again. Well, its playing stuff alright, but the TV is not connecting to the Wi-Fi. So the smart TV has overnight become a dumb display. I can still watch everything as before as I have an external Chromecast attached and I cast what I want from my phone. My phone battery is quite bad. I need to charge it a few times during the day. I normally do it when i am unable to have the phone with me - during physio, during change, during afternoon exercises, bath etc. That way I don't really miss it. The battery performance would have been a concern but I don't really care as I don't have to go anywhere with it. However, this new development is irritating. Sometimes it is close to running out of juice and I have to charge it other times. It's not my phone only anymore, it is also the remote for the TV. It's absolutely frustrating when something is playing on the TV and we don't have the remote to change what is playing. Even if dont have to change an

Last couple of days, I have been seeing a bunch of videos/ talks on AI/ Algorithms/ robotics, etc. Nothing new about most of it... There is a common underlying thread though - that they will never get better than us, because we have "consciousness" on our side. Better doesn't mean intelligent - that they already are. It's more about having a combination of thought intelligence and emotional intelligence. I guess that is about "consciousness". I feel we are taking a lot of credit for "consciousness" when we don't know what it is. Have also seen many videos and talks on it, where nobody agrees and all we have are some wild theories. I don't know if consciousness has to be one type as well. Maybe there are different types. Maybe it will be different for inorganically evolved beings than organically evolved beings. I think the turning point is not consciousness. We humans take about 20-25 years to grow up and get knowledgeable. After that, anot

This is a phrase I guess most of us have come across in several circumstances : "Maslow's hierarchy of needs". Basically states that we don't wish/aim for very lofty things when basic things are not met. I am sure there are many different versions to describe what I have put crudely but essentially meaning the same. It can be applied to many situations - employees behaviour in the organisation, customer behaviour towards a service/ product, etc. I recently wrote about my time/ schedule during the day and the struggle to find time to do much else. I was pondering on what to do so I can fit more activities. And it led me to think of Maslow's hierarchy. The way it is usually depicted is like a pyramid and different layers or rungs indicating the needs. I made a crude translation for that in life: The bottom most rung would probably have things like - Air, Water, Food, Shelter, Procreation, Clothes/ covering etc. Next I don't know, in our time it probably is - hea

Many folks have said (blessed me) and predicted that I will be able to swallow / eat soon. I am actually terrified of the idea. Very very terrified... Don't get me wrong, I would love it if I started eating. But there is no fairy  godperson who will swoosh their wand and I will start eating after. I get up at 8:00am. I could wake up sooner, but that is when I am brought up from the sleeping position. It takes about 10 mins to remove the afo braces , the knee brace (need both in the night to stop the leg from doing it's own thing at night and make it uncomfortable), then remove the socks. Pull me up the bed (I will have slid down in the night. Remove the sweater (which is no easy job to do with a limp body). After that is feed. Then is wipe the face with warm water, comb the hair, apply lip balm, etc.  Basically make me presentable.  All this takes about 20 minutes. My physiotherapist comes anytime between 8:30 and 8:45am. Sometimes even becomes 9:00am. The physiotherapy session

From the last 1 year, I have been able to select what I see. Initially it was a lot of entertainment (Netflix, prime,etc) and now a lot more things on YouTube that are interesting/ informative. I guess I have got bored with entertainment and have realised while it is very enjoyable, it is basically a waste of my life. I don't want to pretend like my mind doesn't need the distraction/ entertainment. I do indulge every now and then, but I have cut it down a lot. Of course, when I am not watching any of that, I have the news playing. Any news will do. I do so - so the TV creates noise and keeps my company. I don't have to pay attention to it, it just screams uninterrupted. I can do something else... What I have realised (it is well known, but difficult to appreciate) is that there is no end to knowing anything. I just have to get interested in some topic/ information and it opens up a different rabbit hole. A whole new world I didn't know existed. And this is just with You

I have always been a "man of few words". My mind saw in pictures. When someone described something, it first converted itself into a picture/ a diagram/ some sort of depiction in my mind so I could understand better. When someone asked me to explain something, I would ask for a paper and pen so I could draw something. At work, the whiteboard and marker were my best friends. I was also particularly good with imagining things in 3D. It's probably why I loved 'Engineering Drawing' when most hated it. "A picture spoke a thousand words" to me. And then the stroke happened. And I was left with only the "thousand words"... I struggled to befriend it. In the early days, it was an impossible thing. Everything in my head was pictures - and I had to translate them into words. Not just words, but very short and simple words - with the morse code first and the printed keyboard after. I had to be very frugal with words. It was a nightmare. I hated it. Then

I imagine a jigsaw puzzle. With every piece a different shape. They don't sit well. The whole picture is unintelligible. Too many gaps/ holes. Then I imagine a different jigsaw puzzle, where every piece is still a different shape. But this one is flexible. Every shape can expand or contract a little bit, based on the adjacent pieces, without changing the original shape/ form too much... Then the big picture emerges... Its fantastic!!!

With the Omicron version spreading like wildfire, I have started getting renewed requests/ advice to get myself vaccinated. I am scratching my head.  I don't get it.There is no vaccine that can prevent me getting infected. So what is the point? Sure, I will likely have milder infection/ symptoms. I am again scratching my head. What are the symptoms? Fever, sore throat, cough & body ache I gather. Fever - well, the body still does not know how to regulate temperature. At the same time, I am used to feeling warm on the forehead, hot around the neck, normal at the armpits and freezing at the palms - good luck finding a fever. Sore throat - it has been 3 years since I have had any feeling in the throat. The virus can make it it's personal sandpit, no chance it will feel sore. Cough - well the cough is a consequence of the irritation in the throat. So... Anyway I create enough cough throughout the day without external help. Body ache - joints ache actually. I struggle to feel ev

Just like all organs and parts of the body, the brain too needs blood supply constantly for oxygen/ nutrition. In fact, it takes the lion's share of blood supply to carry on. Sometimes, this supply is stopped because of 2 primary reasons: 1. An artery/ blood vessel breaks because of an injury or other reasons and the blood does not reach the intended place.  2. A blood clot obstructs the flow of blood to the intended region. The clot can form gradually in the brain or is formed somewhere else, gets dislodged and moves to the brain. Each of these have many variations, causes, impacts so on and have many names - but essentially the 2 causes. What's common between them is the cutting off of blood supply. Since every cell/ tissue of the brain needs constant flow of blood for oxygen and nutrients, the cells/ tissues either become weak or die - depending on how long the deprivation lasted before medical intervention. Depending on which part of the brain is impacted, so will the corr

My earliest memories of deep craving was just after the stroke in the hospital. It was peak summer and a very hot. (Not that I could feel any heat but by how everybody was reacting and talking about it). I was struggling to even swallow a couple of drops when everyone was glugging down bottles of water. I was parched. They used to give a bottle with every feed. It used to be neatly stacked on the table in front. I now know I was not feeling thirsty. I haven't felt thirsty in 3 years. There are no feelings in my throat. It was just the mind's craving to want to drink water. I haven't felt that craving for food. Maybe because everyone was careful that I don't see it. I could hear description of foods from the eateries around and what was swiggyed etc. But I didn't feel that craving as could neither see or smell anything. Now, I have numbed the mind to water and sight of foods enough and I don't feel anything. However some strong smells I can get when I am sitting

Everyday I stand for sometime with the standing frame.  When my physiotherapist comes, he makes me walk a bit with the frame. Some days he puts my leg in a knee brace (so it doesn't buckle), the ankle in a AFO brace (so it is supported and does not twist) and he makes me do the same walk. He holds me by the side, my left arm around his neck, right arm in a sling around my neck and lifts my right hip every other stride so I can try and drag the right foot forward a little. It is anyway impossible if the hip is not lifted by him. I wonder everytime, what is that bloody leg made out of. Concrete, iron, something heavier - gold maybe.  Some days, we get even more adventurous. He makes me stand, right leg fully braced up and he lets go. His both hands few centimetres away and the nurses close by , waiting for the catch. Brief periods - to see if the body can balance. Earlier, before the stroke, standing was taken for granted. There was millions of years of evolution supporting the body.

Most of the time, when we have to make a decision/ choice, we do a quick mental calculation. Different parameters are taken into account, weightage assigned and a weighted score is calculated to help us make the decision. Of course none of it is done mathematically, but that is basically what happens in various other terms in the mind. If we interrogate the mind later - the constituents will come out. But sometimes, against this mental mathematics, we want to do something else. We often say we listened to the heart or the gut or plainly - "it just feels right" What is this "feeling"? I think it has nothing to do with the "heart" or "gut" or any other organs. They don't speak to us. I think it is our subconscious mind telling our consciousness mind what to do. Very likely, it is doing a similar computation taking into factor many earlier experiences and other's experiences, etc. Since we can't quiz the subconscious mind using our consc

I was seeing something on tv - how common "plant based meat" is becoming. Burger King and KFC are ready to launch plant based "chicken nuggets", "beef burger" etc. I was scratching my head (in my head). What is "plant based meat" ? Don't get me wrong, I am familiar with the science. I have no confusion with it. Nor am I for/ against it. I understand "lab grown meat" so we can distinguish natural animal sourced vs a blob from the lab. But why are we shying from calling a "Spade" a "Spade". Plant based is "plant" and animal based is "meat" has been my understanding. Or are we trying to con the society again... 

Usually for a stroke (or any other sudden trauma/ impact), I have seen the usual course of action is medication followed by some form of physical therapy (physiotherapy, occupational therapy, slp therapy or something else). If the survivor shows any symptoms of depression - the usual recourse is more drugs. Later maybe a psychologist/ psychiatrist is involved.  I feel most of the society is still wary of getting a psychologist/ psychiatrist help. Talking about "mental sickness" is still taboo in many parts of the society. (I am not sure why - maybe because there is an unfounded belief that mental illness - all types, is genetic and it may run in the family, so hush, hush). Anyway, that may end up being the last resort. We understand someone losing someone close suddenly/ unexpectedly will grieve. Long time/ short time, various coping mechanisms etc. When somebody has a stroke (or similar), someone closer is lost. They lose a part of themselves. I think it is normal/ natural t

Leia (my dog) must have told you - I was out yesterday. It was a nice day and I had a great time.  But not for one of my nurses. She was miserable all through the drive. I felt very sorry for her. It was worse on the way back - took longer and jerkier due to the traffic.  I could empathise very much with her plight. I knew exactly how she might be feeling. I used to struggle with severe motion sickness earlier. I used to be ok if I was driving. However, any passenger seat was almost a guarantee to bring up everything. If I didn't throw up. It usually was because I was drowsy or asleep having OD-ed on avomine (an anti nausia tab). This was also one of the main reasons why I loved the bike and hated anything with four wheels. This was my big worry when being discharged from the hospital 2 and half years ago. I had not much movements, I couldn't speak, I had a tube from my throat and I couldn't sit.  I had to go lying in an ambulance. It was a 1 hour ride across silk board (a

I had a day out today.  It had been a very long time since I had gone out like this. Most of my other outings have been short and they invariably end up with a real pain in the rear. We went while it was bright and warm. It was a new ride. Good thing my mom was not behind that wheel. I could sit on her and enjoy the view. I usually get very worked up on these trips. I was relaxed today. 2 of my favourite uncles had come along. One was behind the wheel - where my mom usually sits and the other one was behind somewhere.  There was also that guy who is nice to me but doesn't talk to me or fuss with me like others do. There were also 2 other girls who are nice to me always - but I don't know who they are. I was having a good time - Until my mom left me and went somewhere. That was a very anxious time. I was going nuts wondering where she went. She came back shortly and I was very relieved to see her. We went on. We stopped a short while later at some place. Some guy came too close

You may have heard of the "touch-me-not" plant. It's fun to play with it. I have recently discovered how the "touch-me-not" plant feels - well some of it. If anyone tries to move my right leg or hand, it will stiffen up and resist it. The faster (rather more sudden) the movement, the harder it will tighten up and put up a fight. Very hard to straighten the hand or fold the leg. They will be lying flaccid all the time. Makes me wonder where do the muscles get that strength from. After a few seconds, it loosens. One has to move it slowly and gradually. Quick movements and it's back on it's guard. Touch is also funny. If it is touched/ held firmly , it will accept. But a light touch - like a feather touch - it will shrivel and tighten up. I know it is reflexes. The spine is doing it not the brain/ mind. It's like it has a will of its own. Even though it is the spine, it really is the brain right. I mean, if we pull out the brain awhole, I am assuming th