20220130 : Successive Approximations

This will certainty feel like a mad man's theories. Well, since I am not far from that description, here goes ...

I have seen/ observed this from a long time (atleast the last 2 years). Most of them I have noticed but have not managed to connect the dots until now.

I think I have shared earlier, that my faculties/ abilities go back and forth and it is quite unpredictable at a given time.

In the early days after my stroke, when I was still in the hospital, I would get very upset when my left hand/ fingers used to suddenly feel very weak or stop altogether.

It used to be exasperated by my inability to express/ communicate what I was feeling.

It used to be very unnerving as well because everyone (including the doctors) kept telling me that it was not possible to lose an ability once it started working. When what I was experiencing was clearly different.

I understand loosing an ability due to muscle wasting/ atrophy. But that takes place gradually, not overnight like I was experiencing.

Pretty much everything I am observing in this rehabilitation process is doing the same thing - Going back and forth. Different intensities (extent of back and forth - swing) and for different durations of time (frequencies).

I can think of many examples:

* The digestion goes from being ok to upset stomachs often.

* I regularly have had major bouts of constipation and loose motions.

* Strength of the left hand or leg constantly keep swinging back and forth. 

* I have had very severe cycles of hiccups and normalcy (a reflection of the diaphragm control I guess)

* I have been at the respirometer for over a year. Some days I am able to do it and many others I struggle

* Some days I am able to move the right leg and other days I can't

* So on and so forth...

I can give several more examples but you get the general picture.

I have regarded it as random behaviour and not paid attention to it. It is random of course but there is a pattern I recognise.

Everything seems to work for sometime and stop working for sometime. The durations of back and forth keeps reducing. Much like the swing of a pendulum. After it settles at some state then something else does the swing pattern. The same ability/ faculty is revisited later again..

I have like a huge bunch of cables coming down from the brain, and a huge bunch of cables coming up from the spine but they are not connected to each other fully/ properly and have like a mush inbetween.

It's a special kind of mush though. Every bit of the material (neurons) can conduct but they are not connected to the adjacent neurones. The brain has to determine the optimal way to connect and forge those connections.

However there is no end state that it knows. If it had a blueprint, it would get there straight. Wouldn't have to swing back and forth to find the path.

Nor does it stop to ask directions from the mind, for the mind also knows the end state and would give straight directions.

It has to connect the dots (literally), see how it feels about it, erase and connect a different set of dots, and so on, settling on something to move on.

Reminds me of a technique we learnt in mathematics - to determine the point of intersection of 2 lines by "successive approximations" - where we keep swinging the values on both sides, reducing the swing each time till we end up at the point.

In this case though, there are too many variables and I feel it can only deal with very few (or one) at a time.

So checks randomly, stops somewhere, fixes that variable for sometime, and moves to the next set (or next one)

Isn't it a bit like evolution isn't it?

(I know it's a wild wild thought and way out there, but stay with me)...

Evolution probably had all its changes by a combination of external forces - natural mutations and artificial selections. Also, it had to cope with all 3 - changing body, changing brain and a resulting changing mind.

So millions of years is understandable.

In this case, the body is done in it's state, the mind is done in its state, the brain is also largely done, except for the mush bit. 

So the brain is doing it's "tick-tock". very slowly for me specifically, but extremely extremely fast in general.

For that mush bit of brain, it is "Evolution on steroids" ?

Is that what neuroplasticity is? All repair, recovery of the brain?

Whatever those wild thoughts may be, I don't worry much nowadays when the temperature goes up, the saturation comes down, I have loose motions, I feel weak, etc. I used to tell others to not pay attention and get concerned as well, but I have stopped lately. So the thermometer, pulse oximeter, etc keep popping up regularly..

Since it knows no end state, I am anticipating it will stop somewhere it thinks is optimal. I just hope that there will be concurrence with its action with what the body needs and the mind thinks.

Meanwhile, I have accepted something not working just means it is probably on it way to working - Taking a stroll around instead of walking in a straight line that's all ...