20210818 : my writings...

Some of you have remarked sometimes on something I have written, as it was very nice or conveyed something well, etc.

So I thought I should throw some light on it...

In the very initial days, I think around Sep of 2020, I was started to be able to type using my 1 finger. Very strenuous and painful. After a few words, the finger would stop moving or not moving where I wanted it to. So I had to conserve the energy for important things (mostly instructions to Chitra) and a few pleasantries if possible. I was staying in the hospital too. So, mostly it was enquiries and instructions.

Maybe by Oct mid, I could write a couple of sentences. That is when I started to write a few things. Then I quickly realised it's not possible for me to type out something fully in one shot. There is no possibility of keeping something as draft in WhatsApp. After losing something which I had painfully typed, I realised it was a bad idea to compose in WhatsApp.

So,  Gmail to the rescue... It saves draft automatically every few seconds and I could type and break for rest and restart again when possible...

Then, I hit a different problem. I don't know when I hit it. I could type long messages, but I still have a very slow hand and even slower finger. It still took very long.

 And I dont get time (can you believe that!). Not time really, no contiguous time. Between physio, sponge bath, bedside sitting, feeds every 2 hrs, bathroom breaks, any change inbetween, shifting to wheelchair (when I don't have the phone and even if i did, I couldn't really type). Any inbetween time goes with constant interruption by nebulization or checking vitals or mouth care or shaving every few days and oral feeding (and recovery after). I can't think I'll get up early or stay up late to finish something. Its fixed - 6am - 11:30pm. So no clean headspace time. Night, 9:30-11:30 is probably the most fertile time. Most of the other interrupted times, I use for catching up with folks, netflix, youtube, etc .

So, even though I have thoughts, it will get diluted or hazy before I can type and send.

The other thing is, thoughts don't follow a set timetable. the sneaky buggers come in the most inconvenient times. When I dont have the phone with me. They are like fantastic dreams. Its hard to even remember what the dream was regarding later..

So, here is the current process:

1. When I get some thought, as quickly as possible, I open a mail and just put down a few words in the subject which can remind me later what it was about. (I initially did put things in the mail body itself. But soon realised the fun of having many draft emails and finding the right one in the folder without subjects 😂)

2. Next opportunity (usually same day) I go back and put down everything I thought about. Just 1 line or a word to remind me the aspects about it. An outline. A bulleted list if you will.

3. Then i can go back and elaborate these. Mostly like each of them become logical paragraphs. It can be on the same day or across multiple days.

4. After its done, I read it to see if it conveys what I wanted to say. Not for my understanding - I already know what I thought. I read it like someone else is reading and does it still make sense to somebody else. edits if not.

5. Then I read it again, a little later, to see if my choice of words , phrases are appropriate to what it should be interpreted as and intended to be. I have put my foot into my mouth many  times without this.

6. This usually takes less time as I would have corrected on the go. Just a final proof reading to fix typos etc.

7. Ctrl+C in gmail, Ctrl+V in WhatsApp + Send.

So there could a handful of dishes in the oven at various stages of baking, not yet ready to be served.

Sounds like a lot, but its just a production process. Over time, it gets more efficient and faster as well. It can be done by anyone having a need to. Steps 4 onwards can even be conceivably outsourced if needed.

But frankly, thats the easy part. We all can follow some process in our minds and get it right and get good at it. 

Today, you dont need a keyboard. We can just say it and the device will type. Smarter ones will come, if not already here, to better structure it, use better language etc. If Musk's Neuralink project becomes a reality, we don't even have to speak it.

The very difficult part, for all of us, is being willing to share. Life has taught us enough lessons to keep "our cards close to our hearts". We are confronted by too many shields of inhibitions. 

'Suppose it sounds stupid', 'what if it doesn't make sense', 'its silly', 'I can't write anything for nuts', 'what will they think about me', 'I will be judged for everything after this', etc.

It was easy for me. Life had broken most inhibitions for me by the time I was even capable of writing a word of it.

I don't know how to get past them normally. It may just help with each hurdle to imagine "so what" for each scenario. It may help.

I am not campaigning for sharing all our thoughts with everybody. A few of them with a few folks who we are comfortable with. Hopefully, a varied few people who don't all think the same way. Otherwise how will we know if we are thinking correctly. What if we are forming our own beliefs and dogmas unchallenged? We might be dishing them out to others as helpful advice too. Dangerous right?

I am not asking everyone to write. Share and debate our thoughts in whichever way it works. Perspectives keep changing with time, with age, with new discoveries. How to stay current with perspectives not just facts.?

Typing is very tedious. I do it not out of choice but the lack of it. I am not really writing. I am talking to you folks. It's just that this is the medium that I can use.

I have said this earlier, I certainly don't expect anyone to talk back all the time. But I hope for a conversation once a while. I certainly don't imagine when I am writing, that I have to make a speech or give a sermon.

Its not talk for a chit-chat always. For me, its therapy. I have physiotherapy everyday for my body, I will get regular SLP for speech and swallowing therapy. In the meantime, a little bit of breathing exercises and attempts at swallowing is going on.

But what to do above the throat/ mouth?

Im assuming it's "use it, or lose it" there also...

I certainly don't think it's something great that you get these from me. On the contrary, I feel very privileged to be able to share these with you.

The conversations I have had are both very therapeutic and very valuable to me. In some remote and small way, I am hoping it is helpful to you also, whether we have that conversation or not. So , I will keep sharing for both of us ...