20210814 : My 3 devils

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Sometime back, I had written about my 3 Gods.

Its only fair to tell you about the 3 devils as well. I refer to them as Devils and not Demons. The demons are inside my mind and make an entrance, once in a while, in various types. Almost always they bring out the Devils as well.

The Devils are hyenas. They hunt in a pack and all 3 of them come together.

After the stroke, like many other things, I can hardly control my emotions. Something can trigger a bout of laughter and i won't be able to stop. Equally, many things set me off crying and i won't be able to stop. Sometimes, it goes on for so long, that after a while, I wont even remember what I am crying about in the first place, but I just can't stop.

Some days I can't help but feel overwhelmingly sad and down for the general state of things in my life. I know, I know, I shouldn't think like that and count the positives. It is , akin to giving someone a medicine but they can't think about Monkeys while taking it for it to be effective .

When i was in the hospital, I used to go on these bawling trips, uncontrollable sorrow, only to have my nurses incessantly asking, if I had some form of physical pain or discomfort, whether i had headache, stomach ache and so on. It was like the mental state just didn't matter.

Last October, when I had just started using whatsapp, I did send a long message to my nurse, explaining i was crying out of sorrow and not because of any physical pain . Either it was not understood or didn't matter, for nothing changed.

Even at home, the nurses do no different. I guess its an awkward situation for them too and they don't know what else to do and how else to deal with it.

I am sure I am not the only stroke survivor to go through this. At least my thinking part of the brain is ok and I am able to think straight and can bring the derailed train of  thoughts back on track. Many folks are not so lucky and it affects their thinking too. Many such demon's can't be be easily controlled and they might not be able to convey it or even recognise it. I am sure they will probably need some professional help, beyond just antidepressants, to deal with it all...

That said, coming back to the hyenas...

#1 is the pulse-oxymeter.

#2 is the thermometer.

#3 is the sphygmomanometer (the BP machine)

The 3 of them certify I am fine. Irrespective of how bad I may be feeling and visibility distressed and bawling away. I must be fine, for the 3 of them declare so.

It is very very irritating to hear I am doing fine, when I am visibility struggling with thoughts, feelings and emotions...

Hence my devils....


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