Mind of my Stroked Brain

Yesterday was "daughter's day". First time I have come across it. Anyway, it was an occasion and my wife took our daughters out for dinner. I was told where they went and also saw a few snaps with them around the table.. it was nice... But where did they go? What is the place? How does it look? I have no idea. 2 days back, our friends had come home. There were many a conversation referring to a building, a landmark, etc. I have no idea where any of these are. It's not an isolated incident. It's very regular for everyone to have conversations referring to a road, metro lines, flyovers, restaurants, pubs, other buildings, etc. Most of my trips out earlier have been lying down in an ambulance. Nothing seen. Few later have been in the car - when I realised I can't turn my neck enough and the little I could, the eyes couldn't latch on to moving images fast enough to make sense and understand. So, everything i remember, is from Feb 2019. Everyone will be having ...

When I had my stroke and got back to coherent thinking after a few weeks, I realised I had completely forgotten a few things. There was no order to it, like all things in a timeframe or some other pattern.. It was completely random. It was not like the feeling one gets when some details are forgotten about an incident. It was completely removed from memory like it never happened. Like it never happened in my life. At the same time, some things from memory, which I have never remembered, or paid attention to, became absolutely crystal clear. Eg, I used to spend a lot of time when I was very young, monkeying on my rooftop. Stuff would pop up from there. The exact branches from our mango tree, the shape and even the bristles in the wooden stick - which I would pretend to be a sword, the way the zinc sheets were bolted down atop the shed I would climb, the grill on the ventilator atop the kitchen, I even remembered the shape of the cobwebs on that grill. That amount of detail was unnerving...

Many folks have remarked to me that I have become very pessimistic  and don't acknowledge the small progress I am making. I understand how it looks from the outside. Eg, when I started slightly moving my limb, I was not willing to accept that it was voluntary and not an involuntary movement. It was not possible to fake it. There are even videos to show and prove to me what I was not admitting. Few days back, my wife observed me sitting and remarked that I was sitting with my back more straight than earlier. Today, I simply struggled to sit, let alone straight. It was not that I was feeling weak or tired in my back, I had no clue how anymore to have control over my back to even try. The other day, my balance was so off, that everytime they propped me up to sit, I was feeling a strong pull, for no reason, and simply falling to my right side. So, when someone says, I am able to sit for sometime, without support, how am I supposed to affirm the same... Even if I know I can do it someti...

After I had my stroke, I was in the hospital for something like 5 months. That limited visitors a lot. Even then, with whatever limited head movement I had, I made it abundantly clear (well atleast so I thought), that I didn't want to see anyone. I couldn't avoid a few very close friends and family, as they were doing much for me and for the family to help us I don't remember for how many months this lasted. I think it was some sort of shame. I think I was very ashamed of myself. For what had happened and everything that was going on around me. I don't know why it felt that way, but it did. It was like I wanted to run away... After sometime (again I don't know when it started and how long it lasted. Same for subsequent ones), I still refused to see anyone. I think it was some sort of embarrassment. I knew how I had been earlier. I remember seeing myself in the mirror in rehab. It wasn't pretty. I was very embarrassed to present myself to anyone that way, not if ...

After my stroke, rather a couple of weeks after, I have been able to feel almost everything in the right side of the body. I can feel touch. I can feel pressure on the skin- this was a little diminished earlier. I can feel irritation. I can feel the pinch. However the sense of temperature is all over the place. However, in many places, I can feel absolutely nothing. It makes me think that the nerve to each area/ muscle is not 1, but composite. Like the wires we get. One wire, but multiple strands. That's only for reception. Most areas there is absolutely no transmissions from the brain. However, as some sensation comes gradually, in some places I can feel the muscles. I can flex/ compress the muscle, but I can't relax it after. Makes me think its different strands to control as well. In all. There must be too many strands to all go straight to the brain. They may be more like a tree structure converging at many points finally converging into the information super highway, the ...

This thought is not new. I've felt this way for a very long time. Just sharing it to see how right or wrong I have always been. Whenever I shopped for food items, I looked very carefully at the ingredients list - to see what all crap we were putting in. But never read anything about the nutritional information. Especially the calories. I always felt it made no sense. It's like picking up a litre of petrol because it said 100kms. What does that mean anyway. We will only know how far it will go, if we know the make/model of the vehicle, how old the engine is, it's maintenance/efficiency, Breakdowns in the past, etc. Sure, 1 litre will go 100kms, if you are running a moped maybe, but if you own a truck, good luck. All the nutritional information and calorific values are of the food, mostly in a lab.  No idea what amount of it one is capable of absorbing or converting to energy. We can only know when we know the age, the weight, the heigh, the metabolic capacity, condition - he...

Today, school starts for my elder daughter - offline, physical school, after almost 1.5 years. I am very happy for her and the kids in general. But I am very sad for myself. Not because she won't be in the house, I wouldn't see the kids when they were in online class also.   I am very sad because I won't be able to see her class materials and submissions anymore. It was helping me to be involved in some way in her academics from this year. I used to enjoy the tour of the classroom everyday. I can't help but think, will other parents go through this withdrawal symptom caused by the sudden loss of visibility enjoyed for so long. Or will it be a celebration for it stopping… Will the children rejoice, for the parents can no longer keep tabs. Will the teachers be relieved -- no longer having scrutinizing eyes of parents with everything... For now, I will enjoy the same transparency with my younger daughter - while it lasts...