20210924 : Visitors

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After I had my stroke, I was in the hospital for something like 5 months. That limited visitors a lot. Even then, with whatever limited head movement I had, I made it abundantly clear (well atleast so I thought), that I didn't want to see anyone.

I couldn't avoid a few very close friends and family, as they were doing much for me and for the family to help us

I don't remember for how many months this lasted. I think it was some sort of shame. I think I was very ashamed of myself. For what had happened and everything that was going on around me. I don't know why it felt that way, but it did. It was like I wanted to run away...

After sometime (again I don't know when it started and how long it lasted. Same for subsequent ones), I still refused to see anyone. I think it was some sort of embarrassment. I knew how I had been earlier. I remember seeing myself in the mirror in rehab. It wasn't pretty. I was very embarrassed to present myself to anyone that way, not if I could help it.

It was more so with children. There was a heightened feeling. It was very very difficult to show myself to my own kids in that state.

I slowly loosened up to be ok to see a few folks. I have no idea what the criteria was to selectively be ok. But I was. This is where I let my gut guide me - so to speak. Cause no logic can explain the criteria.

After a while, I was ok to see most folks. There were still a few I was hesitant. I guess it was just a matter of how well they knew me. There was still some amount of apprehension. I guess what folks thought about me and my state bothered me a bit.

I recently had some visitors, to whom I would have never agreed to see. But I felt it was ok to have them visit. I think it was not what I thought anymore, just knowing that they were keen to see me was enough I think....

I don't know why or how this loosening happened. But I am kinda relieved it did....



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