20210925 : Cyclic process...

Many folks have remarked to me that I have become very pessimistic  and don't acknowledge the small progress I am making.

I understand how it looks from the outside. Eg, when I started slightly moving my limb, I was not willing to accept that it was voluntary and not an involuntary movement. It was not possible to fake it. There are even videos to show and prove to me what I was not admitting.

Few days back, my wife observed me sitting and remarked that I was sitting with my back more straight than earlier.

Today, I simply struggled to sit, let alone straight. It was not that I was feeling weak or tired in my back, I had no clue how anymore to have control over my back to even try.

The other day, my balance was so off, that everytime they propped me up to sit, I was feeling a strong pull, for no reason, and simply falling to my right side.

So, when someone says, I am able to sit for sometime, without support, how am I supposed to affirm the same... Even if I know I can do it sometimes and see a video to support it..

It's not a new thing.

When I was able to move my left palm reasonably ok, it was a very frequent thing to have days when I would be unable to move it.

I have started movement of my right triceps in march 2020. That's 1 1/2 years ago. I still feel it going weak and not moving some days.

Those are examples of visible things.

My incontinence issue is fairly up and down as well.

My urination was almost predictable every 2 hrs. From past 2 days, I am just unable to go beyond a little over an hour before having to go.

I constantly flip-flop between some bowel movements and severe constipation needing enema. No changes to diet btw. 

Those are with some movements of the muscles involved.

My hormones are going wild all the time. Sometimes I am ok. Sometimes very emotional and needing a very small trigger for the dam behind the eyes to break, etc.

It is very difficult for me to acknowledge progress till I am able to see predictable consistent performance.

I have also observed that every ability is in cyclic progress with my rehab. Some steps forward and some backward. Each cycle, I end up forward or backward from the original place, not knowing by how much and which direction, staying there for a little while, before restarting the cycle.

I have no idea what the brain is doing going around in circles. Also, each part of the body is in a different cyclic timeline. Like they seem to be influenced by a different star/ planet/ celestial body.

Progress, if any, is so small, it's practically unnoticeable. At least to me since I experience myself everyday.

Am I doing better than last year? Absolutely yes.

Am I doing better than 6 months ago? In some things, yes. Others, no.

Am I doing better than I was a month back? I have absolutely no idea and won't agree if someone tells me otherwise...