Mind of my Stroked Brain

 I have had a couple of folks (friends & family) come home in the past few weeks. Visiting after a few months - after about 6+ months at least. They have all remarked that I have improved . Now it could be 2 things:   1. They are just being nice and making conversation 2. They are telling the truth and they actually see some improvement I'll give them the benefit of doubt that they are indeed seeing something that has improved. When most folks come home and see me, I am not lying on my bed in my room but plonked on the wheelchair and in the living room. I have a pillow on my legs to cover the mess that happens underneath and I will typically be pushed to the dining table so waist down, nothing is visible really and they get to see mostly my face and upper body with only my left hand moving. So, it leaves me wondering what improvement are they seeing? When I had my stroke, my face was very very disfigured as most of my facial muscles couldn't move and most of them had spasm...

 Note :- some of the things I have said below might seem a bit sexist and offend a few. I am definitely not intending to do anything like that. Please ignore this if you don't agree with the view I have shared... The world population is shrinking. There is enough data available to show that the women's fertility rate is going below the population replenishment level of 2.1 (i.e., every woman has 2.1 children on an average to sustain the population) But the world population is not going down. There are many other statistics to show that. Thing is, The population in most "developed" countries is steadily declining and it is steadily increasing in "developing/ underdeveloped" countries. Ex., Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, Singapore, Italy, Spain, Austria, Germany, etc. - they are all going down. Niger, Angola, Uganda, Somalia, Mali, etc, etc - they are all exploding! So what is really happening? If we scratch the surface of the data, we will realise that the world...

" Delayed gratification "  That's a concept that is fast depleting in the world today  I don't watch series/ serials on OTT platforms generally. I think it is a waste of time, but I do understand the entertainment value they bring.  I am watching on such series currently. Unfortunately, it is like having watched mission impossible all 7 installments and impossible to watch the 8th one - irrespective of how much we don't want to as a principal. Just not possible.  I have watched the earlier 3 seasons and hence, whilst I still think it is a waste of time, I have succumbed to that psychology as the 4th season has released this month.  I watched it about 2 weeks ago. I binge watched of course.  After watching 3 episodes, to my horror, there were no more episodes! The season has many more episodes, but only 3 episodes were released for consumption on the day.  I thought there might be a technical glitch which will get rectified and rest of the episodes will...

I am not an optimistic person. I am not very pessimistic either. I would consider myself as a pragmatist with a slight bent towards pessimism.. . that trait has helped me very much throughout my life/ career to foresee risks & issues more than most others and be prepared for it... The following is guided by that same basic characteristic of mine ...   I don't know what % of people in the world are aware of the emergence of AI, its abilities, its consequences , etc. My take is it is a very  miniscule %. Apart from awareness, nobody in that miniscule % will know what hit them  when it does  - because, there will be enormous and very sudden impacts to jobs and livelihoods. One of the very predictable things that is peddled by the folks building these AI systems is that there is nothing to worry about as we will always have the need for jobs like nurses, plumbers, electricians,  etc. High touch and needing  human  emotions kind of jobs. That's true, AI...

  ​It has been a while since I have written anything. It is not that I don't have thoughts coming and going which can be shared, I just don't feel like it anymore. As is commonly said, I don't have " enthu " anymore. For close to 6 years after my stroke, I was carrying on with everything and all activities. While it was not overt/ explicit/ or much, I guess there was an underlying "hope". Hope for what? I don't exactly know. but there was some hope which was propelling me I think. Over the past 6m or so, things have gotten worse. Physically, I have become a lot weaker. It is probably not visible to others to perceive, but I am aware how much weaker I have become when I do daily things like sitting, physiotherapy, etc. probably my physiotherapist is the only other person who sees it. Whatever little gains in movements on my right leg and hand have almost completely become zero for months now. Even with my left side, I have become a lot weaker than ear...

Yup, 6-er today. 6 years since I had my stroke. I had the stroke when I was 43. If I make it to the end of this year, I will complete my ½ century on the scoreboard overall. I can certainly say this past year has been the year of regression in my rehabilitation - both physically and mentally.  Physical  fitness (unfitness actually) has probably dragged the mind in a negative/ downward spiral as well. Physically, there have been no real gains. Both my right leg and hand have become worse than they were a year ago. Been additionally having a nagging back ache for many weeks now which is not allowing me to do usual physiotherapy routines. I felt there was some gains inbetween with voicing but that has been lost as well for sometime. So, all in, not a positive year. Mentally, day to day mundane activities I am doing fine. But the deeper mind which deals with more existential thoughts has decayed a lot. I am not able to reconcile the need to exist. I think I have written about this...

 One of my nurses (attenders) went today after a while.  I have 2  ​" attenders ​"  now instead of "nurses" mainly because  (i) There is no point having a nurse.  There is nothing to nurse anymore. Just need someone who can keep the lights on ​... (ii) Nurses are much more expensive than an attender.  ​Nurses usually have a Degree in nursing, maybe experienced, at ease  GNM degree (General Nursing Management)  Attenders  ​on the other hand,  are usually 10th/ 12th pass, untrained and ​ usually  having some compulsion (mostly economic) to agree to do something like this job.  Anyway, getting one is not easy. It is a very quasi-organised industry and very chaotic at that!  There are many many sources (agencies) and it is very easy to get an attender, but getting someone who  ​" clicks ​"  and stays a while is very very difficult and usually takes a miracle. When an attender leaves from here, it is usually a re...