20250206 - Sixer today

Yup, 6-er today.

6 years since I had my stroke.

I had the stroke when I was 43. If I make it to the end of this year, I will complete my ½ century on the scoreboard overall.

I can certainly say this past year has been the year of regression in my rehabilitation - both physically and mentally.

 Physical  fitness (unfitness actually) has probably dragged the mind in a negative/ downward spiral as well.

Physically, there have been no real gains. Both my right leg and hand have become worse than they were a year ago. Been additionally having a nagging back ache for many weeks now which is not allowing me to do usual physiotherapy routines.

I felt there was some gains inbetween with voicing but that has been lost as well for sometime.

So, all in, not a positive year.

Mentally, day to day mundane activities I am doing fine. But the deeper mind which deals with more existential thoughts has decayed a lot. I am not able to reconcile the need to exist.

I think I have written about this sometime earlier - I know exactly how much I mean to everyone close to me - to my wife, my daughters, my mother, my sister, my close friends and family etc. what it means to every one of them to have me around. But I have not been able to see reason for my existence to me in my eyes.

I also recently wrote about being on a external critical life support system. 

https://mindofmystrokedbrain.blogspot.com/2025/01/20250112-critical-life-support-systems.html

I don't know what can be considered temporary, but I am very certain 6+ years definitely doesn't qualify to be considered temporary!

All in all, I can surely say both this body and mind have started on their downward journey on the spiral... How much it accelerates this year I don't know.

If I survive them and make it another year, will hopefully write about it (another year) next year... But I am very sincerely hoping and praying that I don't have to exist like this and bear with another full year...