Mind of my Stroked Brain

During this rehab, I have encountered two kinds of effort. Effort of the mind and effort of the body or muscle. When we do something, it is very hard to discern the difference - because they happen together. Instantaneous! Ex, we usually think we want to move the hand and it instantly moves. It is absolutely difficult to discern that we first had to think of it and that thought caused it to move. This is a voluntary action - it is practically impossible to realise it for autonomous actions. Ex, swallowing, voicing, closing the nose when we blow, etc. However, with my case of the stroke and consequent condition, the two have been very very amplified. Sometimes there is as much as a 2 second gap between my thought and causing the action - however little. It is extremely effort intensive and draining to do it. I have never managed to sustain the effort or intention or will beyond about 2 seconds. It is not like thinking of something - like many times said in meditation. To focus on someth

"Energy can not be created or destroyed but can be converted from one form to another." It's something we have learnt in school and is a law by itself that governs us - the whole universe. Human beings, all beings actually, are arguably just energy. That includes animals, aquatic life, insect etc. Also includes plants, shrubs, trees, etc. All things with a life, so to speak. So what is conception and giving birth to another life? Same as hatching or germination. A new life is created. A new bundle of energy. Does the energy of the mother (parent in general - most don't have a gender), become lesser at thit time or energy just grows. I would think it grows - the parent is unlikely to make it if energy is taken away each time. (Huge no. of kids earlier!) I would think the energy contained grows bigger as we grow. I guess this is well known - that energy comes from the food we consume. It is plant and animal energy that we ingest. When we expire? Where does the energy go

It was quite warm today. It's getting to end of March and summer well and truly has set in.  I don't know what everyone is fighting about with global temperature rise to be kept below 1.5⁰c. it feels like a lot more than that already. I usually sit out on the wheelchair in the family room at 4:00pm. We have a pedestal fan near where I sit and by the time I get there, someone would have already switched it on. Today, it was not switched on. The usual breeze was missing. There was no natural breeze either. Normally, there is a good breeze from the balcony owing to the height we are in. Today it was very still. I remember when I was in the hospital 3 years ago. Everyone was so troubled by the heat when I was not feeling anything... Wait a minute. It was warm today! That means the bulb of my thermometer - which was blown, is slowly getting fixed. New mercury is being replenished! 🙂 Now I know its going to be gradual and very slow. But the needle has started to move. 3 years! I thi

As I go through this journey/ process of rehab, I am realising it is a process of patience and efforts. It is probably different for different conditions and strokes, however this is what I am encountering. Of course one needs to exercise both for any recovery - generally speaking. However I guess it is not a case of both overall, but sequential for every bit. Initially, when I was just a lump of flesh and bones, I could not move a muscle anywhere. I guess there is a lot of encouragement to do things etc etc. However it only needs patience and more patience. I remember, there was everyone encouraging and pushing to do this and that, do more, etc. And I would be wondering what they mean.  The brain was not connected to the body. Its very difficult to describe the feeling but simply put, I didn't know what it means. I knew what is being asked but I didn't know what it bodily meant. For ex, I would be asked in physio to move some part, in swallowing therapy i would be asked to swa

I have mentioned many times earlier about my battle with a few spoons every afternoon. Usually it is a soup of tomato or carrot or a combination of the two. Given my tolerance, no spices are added. Just a pinch of salt to taste . It tastes good and I have got used to them. Few days back, I was given something else. I couldn't identify the taste/ flavour. So I asked later and I was told what it was. It's a vegetable I must have had a million times in all possible ways. And I couldn't recognise it! Its plain naked as well - no other spices and flavours. I then realised I don't get the taste of the others properly also. I just imagine it is so because of the colour. More towards Red it must be tomato and more towards Orange it must be carrots. And combinations for the hues inbetween. I don't actually know what it tastes like. It will be fun if I do a blind taste test. I am guessing they will all taste similar. Even more fun, if no blindfold but food colouring is used

Few days back, I heard our housekeeper saying that my younger daughter's cycle had become small and needs a bigger cycle.  It's been 4 years since we got this. I remember having taken the girls to decathlon (a big sports goods store) and having got her this one. I think it was a white/ pink combo and she was thrilled with it. Her birthday is less than 2 months away and will make a nice gift this time around. Needless to say, I was quick to get online and do the research and try to select. Gosh, I simply cannot start with all the varieties and options out there. Cycles come with shock absorbers nowadays! No more bumpy rides... There are so many varieties of seats - hard to soft to comfortable to wide to springy etc, etc. And the gear chain mechanism - is a world of it's own. She won't need gears though - it's only mainly around the apartment. Maybe a basket in front will be helpful which she can use for the bag she takes to play. Don't need a carrier maybe. I fel

Somebody recently remarked on the tolerance I have shown with regard to my journey. On occasions, I have also been told I have been very strong, very brave , so on - through dealing with all circumstances after the stroke. I have reflected and pondered on it many times. I don't think I thought myself weak or fearful etc. but I also hadn't associated myself with brave, strong, etc. I have honestly wondered how and where the drive is coming from. After a lot of thinking, I have narrowed it down to 3 things mainly. 1. The affection, care, patience and help of my wife, kids, close friends and family.  I know, it sounds like the customary mention of a recipient of an Oscar's acceptance speech - but I can't highlight how important it is to have understanding, support and most importantly, patience from folks around you when going through something like this. Most times when I have been difficult and stubborn to anybody in the normal scheme of things, I have done it knowingly