Mind of my Stroked Brain

Yesterday, we briefly lost our dog! That must sound very funny - we normally use a dog to find things we have lost! 🙂 Anyway, we stay in an apartment - well above ground.  She is very much a home dog - since it is an apartment and nowhere to go. She is quite cuddly with known folks but very loud and fiesty with strangers. When she gets to go for a walk, it is strictly on a leash. I imagine her wondering where everyone goes everyday for hours. Her world starts at ends around the apartment complex with her walking rounds. She may be concluding we humans are totally mad to go out often for the same rounds for hours. It is understandable she is curious, wondering if there is more to the world. Naturally, whenever we open the front door, she rushes out, sniffs frantically around the lift lobby and runs back inside into the safety of her kingdom. Yesterday late afternoon (probably around 3pm), we had a few folks over and in the commotion had left the front door open. I don't exactly k

Every so often, someone will tell me I am looking sad, or worried or something else to the same effect. I don't know what my face looks like then, I have checked with the selfie camera - can't tell anything. Maybe if I need a shave or so... Then I am told I should not worry, I should be happy and cheerful. I think everytime - to be happy and cheerful all the time; I am sure it is a challenge for anyone even normally, why do folks think I can be Hakuna Matata in my state...

Well, I promised to let you know how it ended... For the past ~2 weeks, I have been doing back and forth on email and WhatsApp with the crowdfunding platform. I have interacted with many folks from many groups - campaign manager to generic support to escalated support to review team and every other nonsense team. The first thing each time is "please send us a selfie video explaining the campaign holding your aadhar card". I wonder if anyone had read the campaign ask! I have to start each time saying this is my condition, blah blah blah.. i can't take a video.. blah blah blah.. That's when they would not know what to do and pass me to someone else. Anyway, the last but 1 interaction was a little encouraging. They said, if I can't speak, get a friend or relative to do the video and explain the campaign with both our aadhar cards. I said what is the use of someone parroting the words which I give. Anyway , I said ok and I needed a few days to coax someone. I was cont

I don't usually follow groups and comments online. I mostly can't - since I don't access any social media sites. Once in a while, I get some click through links from somewhere and I end up reading/ browsing or someone shares something on the group I am on and get to read. I feel the highest rated - like the top oxymoron of the 21st century is "I know how you are feeling". Or a step further "I know exactly how you are feeling". The thing is - nobody can feel exactly how anybody is feeling. Some folks - like minded, similar situations may be able to relate better, but cannot feel (and think) how someone else feels and thinks.  If they have to feel and think the same way, they have to be that person - not sufficient to wear their shoes and imagine. So, by extension, if someone/ anyone is doing something for me, it it the based on what they think and feel and act in the best way accordingly.  If I expect something else, there will be a gap.  The gap is cre

Some days back, my TV broke. No, it did not break down. It broke! Period! When I was in the hospital, my nurses took turns alternate days to stay at the hospital. One of them, one of the days, thought it was a good idea (and it was a good idea), to open all the windows and air the room. We get very high winds in this apartment. It's especially high if  windows are open on both sides due to cross winds. The TV is in front of one of the windows. Like an open sail, it caught the wind and tipped over. These LED TVs are very light also. So basically it committed suicide. The screen/ panel looked like a windshield of a head-on collision. I was not sure what to do. I definitely needed a TV. I would surely go insane without one. The last time I had needed to get this model repaired, it took months and they had given up - unable to get the parts for this model. They had given a replacement as it was still under warranty. So, getting it fixed, was out of the question. I had to buy one. Again

When I come to the hospital, I think about dying. The isolation in ICU helps. Not mine (well that also), but dying in general. Anyway I as usual worked up the mind about what has become, the physical struggle etc etc and finally got to the same ending. How to end it!. After several permutations and combinations same result. I can't see it through. Not now. Definitely not alone. So I wondered who would help me.  Nobody I can think of. I can understand the simple reason. It's classified Suicide. Its not allowed in this land by law. For argument's sake, if the law didn't restrict, could I enlist someone. It's still next to impossible. it is labelled "Suicide". Suicide is "bad" Everything from God to fear of bad karmas will stop anyone from helping. From what I understand, anything related to God and karma and rebirth is because everyone wants to have a better chance at liberation. We have taken it as truth - whether read from books or spoken etc.  B

I feel, every type of place evokes certain types of feelings. It also makes us think a certain style. Ex, we can be at a school - and feel one way.  Or be at an airport - and feel different emotions. Similarly - hospitals. Our behaviour changes, we speak softer maybe, a little more sensitive to how others may feel - perfect strangers. We won't usually feel that way if we saw the same folk in a park. It usually evokes very deep questions about things too. When we see somebody else suffering, we think what would I do in that situation. We find some answers. Convincing or otherwise. Of course, few hours later, the scene changes, emotions change, mood changes and that train of thought gets derailed and fades. Of course I have the luxury of being in the space. And the luxury of time. In the ICU, its even more stark. Nobody is allowed to disturb us. No phones, no TV, no nothing. You only have the company of thoughts. As this is a hospital. The destinations for the trains are already set.