Mind of my Stroked Brain

A few days back, after nearly 2.5 years after my stroke, i was able to move my right leg a little (from the knee down, when my physiotherapist holds it supported in a particular way). Its a thing as it means the thigh muscles did the work. I am unable to trigger the movement when I want to move the leg (I still can't feel my leg and i can't move it). Instead, i have to imagine it moving and after 2-3 seconds, it moves. If I don't see it, I can't make out the movement. Most baseball players get less than 0.44 seconds to react to an average pitch and make a strike. The fastest pitcher is double that speed (half the time to react). The brain is capable of it . Sometimes its a fraction faster or slower for me. The same happens with my hand as well. Some days, it takes a few seconds to react/ move the first time and then i can continue. Its like a broken vehicle with starting trouble. When we normally want to move our hands or legs, we don't think how to do it. We just w

Today was the "Vaikunta Samaradhane" ceremony of my dad. It was performed at his home , which is in the same apartment building, a few floors below ours. So it was convenient for me to go and be there, some part of it if not fully. I am glad it was performed at his home and I could go. I can't help but share this small incident I observed...  When it came to the "Aarati" time, everyone had to offer a flower with some "Akshate" where they did the ceremony and prostrate. My daughter, who is 10, when her turn came, approached, and she couldn't reach fully, placed it using her left hand. Soon, suddenly, many folks told her not to and use her right hand. She was visibly taken aback by the sudden reaction and reached out, took back the offering and placed it back using her right hand. This met objection from many not to touch the photo. She looked a bit shaken, quickly prostrated and withdrew. She was even told later that my dad ("Taata") and G

 This is a long one and maybe a very confusing one too.. If you want to spare yourself the confusion, best not to go further...  These are just my thoughts not intended to contest anybody's beliefs. When I had my stroke, I had many experiences. I saw myself on the OT table undergoing the trachiostomy. It was not a 3 sec experience, i saw myself for what seemed like half a minute. I could very clearly see them make the incision near my throat and put the pipe in. I recognised Dr. Dheeraj the instant I saw him and even knew his name. He had made an appearance on several occasions to me in various contexts. There was a lady and guy who chisteled off my right wrist to take my watch. I was left screaming in pain to die bleeding. I saw myself undergo another operation where they used some sort of small grinding machine to completely shave off my tongue. They said it was very normal when it's obstructing breathing and the grows back. When my speech therapist later asked me to put out

This covid thingy has indeed turned the world upside down. I think we don't yet know fully or understand all of the cascading ripple effects. Obvious direct impacted are travel, tourism depending things, aviation, hospitality, etc.  They are exploring making a vaccine passport to control borders and vaccine passes for public events real. The only thing stopping goverments is their own inability to provide vaccine for all. But it will be a reality soon.  What will folks like AirBnB do? I'm thinking that you can only book some properties if you have a vaccine pass. Once they make it available for children (and they will, its too lucrative to ignore), I'm thinking parents themselves will demand that the vaccine pass be made mandatory to attend classes physically. And there will be more boosters and versions based on the mutants. Its unlikely to be a simple yes/no business. The vaccine non-believers will have not much of a world to live in... Online shopping of anything is her

One of my friends, few weeks back, gifted a pert of her Liver to save another. If I'm right, the recipient was her husband's cousin sister's husband. His Liver had fully failed and needed someone to come forward and donate. This was in amidst the Covid wave and she had to travel to another city for the transplant. I presume there was an emotional connect to prompt doing it, but I also presume there were more than ample real and valid reasons not to do so as well.. Just traveling to another city and going to a hospital when you have a complete family is a strong enough reason... But she went anyway... Sometimes, we encounter many situations/ circumstances when we are forced to think what to do... I reckon there will be many choices. We almost always know the most appropriate thing to do and everything else. None of them are right or wrong. Just that one feels most appropriate than others. Every other choice is represented in or mind with a very strong advocate. The reasons c

Yesterday my dad passed. I'm sad he is not amongst us anymore. But I'm not grief stricken. He was 86. But for the past few months, he was absolutely independent. While he had his share of health issues, he was ok generally. While not an excess, he had a comfortable life. In all, i feel he had a full life. Yes, i feel bad he is no more, but equally I'm glad his suffering was not prolonged further. I cried sometimes after he passed, questioning myself what I'm crying about.    I did question myself if I'd do more for him if i knew 86 was the limit, well, I'd do a lot of things differently if i could foretell things... I guess that's a futile line of thinking... I did feel extremely sad though that i couldn't do the last rites, that i couldn't comfort my mom, help Chitra with everything, Hug Maya when she was crying and tell her its ok. Just participate... That also I'm getting better at feeling numb. Everytime I'm unable to participate, a part

I am unable to swallow anything. Apart from swallowing itself being a problem (anything being pushed down the oesophagus), the bigger problem is aspiration. Even a spoon of water, some of it goes into the windpipe (trachea) causing violent coughing. It's not just me, many stroke survivors have some form of disphagia (trouble swallowing). This is because we (well, most mammals I know), have the food pipe and the windpipe opening up at the pharynx (back of throat). Alternatively, if they didn't merge, it would be simpler no? I wonder, Why did this happen? Even a simple thing like getting hiccups? Why does it happen? I mean, i know how and why it physiologically happens. But what advantage does it give in evolutionary terms? It doesn't help in "fight" or "flight". It doesn't even help if you want to hide!  So, why was it needed this way?  I imagine it would by a struggle when evolving. So, Why did the characteristics survive the lens of natural or arti