20210605 : thoughts on Appa's passing

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Yesterday my dad passed. I'm sad he is not amongst us anymore. But I'm not grief stricken.

He was 86. But for the past few months, he was absolutely independent. While he had his share of health issues, he was ok generally. While not an excess, he had a comfortable life. In all, i feel he had a full life.

Yes, i feel bad he is no more, but equally I'm glad his suffering was not prolonged further.

I cried sometimes after he passed, questioning myself what I'm crying about. 
 
I did question myself if I'd do more for him if i knew 86 was the limit, well, I'd do a lot of things differently if i could foretell things... I guess that's a futile line of thinking...

I did feel extremely sad though that i couldn't do the last rites, that i couldn't comfort my mom, help Chitra with everything, Hug Maya when she was crying and tell her its ok. Just participate... That also I'm getting better at feeling numb. Everytime I'm unable to participate, a part of my heart gets chipped off. I fear a few more years and I'll be there but nothing remains.

With my dad though, its not that I'm happy. But i am nor sad either....


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