20210615 : Hallucinations & reality

 This is a long one and maybe a very confusing one too..

If you want to spare yourself the confusion, best not to go further...

 These are just my thoughts not intended to contest anybody's beliefs.

When I had my stroke, I had many experiences.

I saw myself on the OT table undergoing the trachiostomy. It was not a 3 sec experience, i saw myself for what seemed like half a minute. I could very clearly see them make the incision near my throat and put the pipe in.

I recognised Dr. Dheeraj the instant I saw him and even knew his name. He had made an appearance on several occasions to me in various contexts.

There was a lady and guy who chisteled off my right wrist to take my watch. I was left screaming in pain to die bleeding.

I saw myself undergo another operation where they used some sort of small grinding machine to completely shave off my tongue. They said it was very normal when it's obstructing breathing and the grows back. When my speech therapist later asked me to put out my tongue, I remember thinking she must be mad or playing with me as i was sure there was no tongue and it was still a bud needing to grow back.

I was convinced for some time that I was not human. I was an amphibian, a salamander. It went on for a very long time. What seemed like days. I remember hearing voices saying I'm not breathing and it was only 30% or so. I was confident everyone was a fool as i was a amphibian and didn't need it. They were comparing me, a salamander to what humans need.

Everytime a nurse would put on the gloves later in the ward, i would start hiccuping violently. Thats because in another such saga, i was convinced i was allergic to the powder that was in the rubber gloves. I would not hiccup if they used the blue colour gloves. Because it was powder less.

I knew the nurse 'Satyamangalam' and recognised him from later . That's because he was the lead nurse who harvested my organs earlier. Dr. Dheeraj was running the racket. I also recognised the short doctor many months later, in june 2019 i think. She did the tests to ascertain the organs were ok to be harvested.

That's why I was so freaked out being in the ICU. I was sure they were running a racket and get away from there.

These are some of the simpler, not magnificent or fantabulous stories i was in. These must have been in the tail end of my ICU stay, for some visual and auditory signals to make its way in. But thats what they ended up as...

We all dream or have nightmares when asleep. But almost always, the moment we wake up, we know it the was a dream and they eventually fade away slowly..

I call these experiences i had as hallucinations for lack of knowing any other word. It's so clear to me to this day, like new fantasy pages were quietly introduced in my book and its not possible for me to know the difference.

What is my reality anyway? Only if i can recall or recollect an experience from my memory is my reality. But all the above examples suggest to me that my mind is capable of introducing memories that didn't happen, but is real to me. 

The hiccups experience clearly suggests that physical reactions could be triggered in the real world because of a created experience and belief thereon. Because it was real to me. 

I still get various weird feelings in my hands/legs. I know nothing is happening and its my mind creating them. Many times my limbs haphazardly move as a reaction to it. Because it is real in my world.

So what is real for Others? I would like to call it a shared reality where everyone sees, feels, the same things. So i can say most things are real for everyone if it can be perceived in this shared reality.

What if there was indeed those 2 realities. One for me exclusively and one shared. (And a transient 3rd one which also is exclusively yours, called dreams)(although Hollywood thinks it an be shared)

I have heard many times that if you want something or some experience badly enough, it will manifest Itself. What if that's true but it only manifests in your personal reality. I'm thinking it will be a real experience for me, because my mind planted it so it follows that I cannot share it with others.

Many things, like voices, visions, physical experiences. Things which mostly are exclusive and can't be shared with others, because they are not blessed enough, not ready enough, not open enough. What if it was real, but real only for somebody because they believed something or wanted something badly enough so their mind made it real for them ..

Btw,

That surgery i saw, i know its not real because although i saw it so clearly, i didn't know what the trachiostomy tube looked like till i saw it in a mirror later. Obviously someone must have described the procedure and i imagined it .

The lady and guy who chiseled my hand were a nurse and GDA (ward boy). I recognised the gda months later, because of the tattoo on his arm. Besides, i had stopped wearing a watch long back, leave alone on the right side.

There is no way I'd have known that blue gloves are powerless unless someone discussed it aloud in front of me.

The voices i'd hear regarding my oxygen levels, i recognised some of them later, it was the troop of doctors who used to come for daily visits .

And the organ harvesting, i recognised that short doctor because she was the same person helping Dr. Dheeraj in the MEP test (it's by far the most painful test I've had till date)

So it still begs the question what imprints these experiences in our mind? Is it just chemical balance in the brain, pure coincidence or there is a bigger force that indeed does it for us to create our individual reality...

That i can't think of still..