20250509 - what next...?

 ​It has been a while since I have written anything. It is not that I don't have thoughts coming and going which can be shared, I just don't feel like it anymore. As is commonly said, I don't have "enthu" anymore.

For close to 6 years after my stroke, I was carrying on with everything and all activities. While it was not overt/ explicit/ or much, I guess there was an underlying "hope". Hope for what? I don't exactly know. but there was some hope which was propelling me I think.

Over the past 6m or so, things have gotten worse. Physically, I have become a lot weaker. It is probably not visible to others to perceive, but I am aware how much weaker I have become when I do daily things like sitting, physiotherapy, etc. probably my physiotherapist is the only other person who sees it. Whatever little gains in movements on my right leg and hand have almost completely become zero for months now. Even with my left side, I have become a lot weaker than earlier which I can very clearly make out.

However, the real impact is on the mind. As I mentioned earlier, there was some underlying "hope" that somehow/ something will get better. Over the past months, it has become amply clear to the mind that any underlying "hope" is not taking me anywhere. Nothing about my physicality and life (existence) will improve. I don't know what that unrealistic hope was after 6 years. Most positive rehabilitation happens in 6m after a stroke and that too, if there was effective treatment in the "golden hour" after the stroke. Now, I am 110% clear that there is no hope and there will be no improvement.

S​o, what does that mean?

Basically, apart from the stroke related major issues, I am ok otherwise. I can't breathe deep, but I am surviving with shallow breathing which will keep me going. so, lungs will keep going. I have been on blood thinners everyday for 6+ years - so absolutely unlikely of a heart or a brain or any other stroke again. Had my blood work done recently - looked like the liver, kidneys and other organs are doing their job. You get the drift, I don't expect sudden failures causing me to cease!

So, I won't cease to exist generally. But I will not improve anymore either. Will remain bedridden forever. will be paralysed and not able to do anything much forever.

What does forever mean? Everyone has to die one day. so will I. I am ~50 currently. Normally, healthy urban males probably make it till 80+ at least. Even if I give half that probability to me, I still see 15y minimum ahead of me. To me, in my condition & mental state, it definitely is "forever". 6+ years have been unbearable till now. I can't even imagine another year in my state now, let alone 15.

But I am not able to do anything about it either, I know I can't go on like this, nor am I able to do anything about it!

So, what next...? I really wish I knew what to do next to snap out of this existence....