Mind of my Stroked Brain

This is just me venting... So, I apologise for it in advance. I have in the recent past Written something about most folks hitting a crisis of sorts at some stage. We rarely sense it creeping up and are mostly hit by surprise. It is probably a slow diminishing of faculties, both physical and the mind, coupled with some incident. I am thinking the gradual-ness of the process somewhat cushions the impact and gives the mind certain time to adjust to it slowly. Unfortunately in my case, it was an overnight thing. I slept usually and woke up in a different reality. The mind had no time to adjust. Also, there was no damage to the mind (fortunately or unfortunately) so every detail of the struggle, both self and others around was fully perceivable. And as if to add insult to injury, i could not express what I was going through or what I was feeling for 18 months. I felt like I was a pressure cooker with no pressure valve. From then on, I have been rambling (on whatsapp) as much as I can, lett...

Some days back, my wife told me, my younger daughter, who is all of 10 years, asked something in the lines of "why should we live and do everything if we are all going to die anyway?" I think that question might have been prompted by my dad's recent passing. While the question, now,  came out of pure innocence and genuine wonder, I suspect, it will be a few decades before she realises the profoundness of that question when probably faced with it again. I was watching the Netflix series 'The Crown' today. I have got till Season 3 and episode titled 'Moondust'. In that episode, prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburg is shown facing a sort of crisis. He believes in action, achievements, etc. But he is completely disillusioned when he meets his idolized heroes, the first men on the moon, acting like mere men. His faith is shattered. He joins a group of priests, whom he had mocked earlier and goes on and does much for the studies on faith and spirituality. "...

I have had a bascilar stroke 2 and half years ago. I'm bed ridden and no movement on right side and very limited movement on the left. So in diaper. I was on catheter for first 5 months. Later on, moved home and catheter was not easy to manage. For a few days, it was just diaper with change every 2-3 hours. In a little while, I realised I could feel the pressure in the bladder and I could ring a bell to indicate I have to go so the nurses could give urine can. So the change every few hours stopped. Although I could feel the need to go, there was no ability to control. I usually had 20 seconds from the feeling to passing. The feeling came every 2-3 hours. And about 400ml each time (i am on peg feeds so only on fluids also). There has been no difficulty passing and no urinary infections till date. However, over time, the frequency has increased and I need to go every 1.5- 2 hours and tolerance has reduced and the nurses have to react faster. Off late, maybe 2-3 weeks, it has become d...

Today, during having an intense conversation, my nurses turned to me and asked whether I agree on a very controversial topic, which is political, religious and also probably quite regionally important. This is the first time I have been dragged into their conversation and asked to offer an opinion. They regularly have very animated debates on varied topics ranging from current policies, political parties, political leaders, religious matters to movie stars. Basically anything that constitutes a juicy topic for conversation. They talk freely with the comfort that I don't understand the language. True, I don't understand the language, but they don't realise how many english words are peppered all over, how many words mean similarly in other regional languages which i can get, there are some words I do get due to constant usage and most importantly the actions and body language. So, sure, I don't understand the language fully, but most often I get what they are talking abo...

Last night I had a very bad time with lots of cough. It is not unusual during this time of year and weather. I was up most of the night and so were the nurses tending to me. It was compounded by the fact that the nebulizer didn't work properly and they made a bandaid solution to get it to somewhat work (its not a metaphor and a real plaster was used 🙂). They also had to give some cough syrup. All in all, nothing scary but not usual either. Interestingly, when my wife asked in the morning whether I was ok in the night, I think the answer was something like "all ok". The nebulization 3-4 times a day is quite important. I am still waiting to see if they will offer up the information to my wife and to get a new Mask set. My experience says not today. It may seem like very unacceptable behaviour, but it's very predictable and not out of the ordinary. Infact, these two nurses are probably the best I've had for a while. They are very good with their work and very genuin...

"Spasticity" is a term I've encountered only after my stroke. It is very common in the neuro recovery/ rehab world. It's when various parts of the body become stiff/rigid, either involuntarily or through limited muscle action but is not yet receiving messages from the brain to release/relax. sometimes your affected body part feels like a stone and sometimes very painful. But you just have to wait for it to relax on its own. It feels like nothing like a cramp. It starts with more intensity in the morning and reduces slowly as the day progresses, I guess as there are some movements and more blood circulation. I don't know. My sleep on most nights is very broken due to cough or waking up frequently for bathroom breaks or something else. It's rare that I get more than 1hr at one stretch. But what I have observed, more importantly, is that I have a very increased spasticity and I am able do something new which I never could before, when I have a good night's s...

I sent a long description of the issues I am facing and the symptoms I am observing to my doctor,BHoping to understand the reasons for my body's cranky behaviour. Back came a reply -ba simple phrase, from a Neurosurgeon to an Electrical Engineer - to explain for the old brain to understand the new mess - Saying: "Wrong wiring I presume" 😂😂😂

Around 3:00pm is my daily torture and I dread it. It's the time they give me half a glass of juice or water orally for swallowing. Half a spoon at a time. Every day I secretly hope that they have forgotten, but the glass emerges without fail. Every spoon, or every other attempt, the fluid aspirates (goes into the wind pipe), causing violent cough and a very painful struggle. After the nightmare for sometime, comes the next spoonful and I have to open the mouth, knowing fully well what follows next. Most days I have to stop after a few spoons as it's unbearable. After this, I swear to myself that I won't go through this torture again and send harsh messages to my wife that I will not undergo this (self inflicted torture) daily and not to give anything next day... Next day, is another day, and like someone seeking pleasure in pain, I go about it all over again, with a small hope that this day might be better forgetting what yesterday was like... PS: before I can trust in God,...

Luck: ===== If you can get up to your alarm Or snooze it, and have the pleasure of falling back asleep     Consider yourself Lucky. If you can sit up on your bed And think about what to do next    Consider yourself Lucky. If you can get up and walk And go where you want to go      Consider yourself Lucky. If you can go to your bathroom And relieve yourself.      Consider yourself Lucky. If you can hold your brush And vigorously brush your teeth      Consider yourself Lucky. If you can splash water on your face And feel fresh to face the day      Consider yourself Lucky. If you can have a shower And feel the water trickling over you      Consider yourself Lucky. If you can wipe yourself dry And have the pleasure of putting on fresh clothes you feel like      Consider yourself Lucky. Some would call it Blessed Whatever you believe Be very grateful to it For these are just the firs...

One of my friends asked me this morning "what is Success"?  I am not sure if there is a definite thing or one definition for being successful. I feel it's a constantly moving goalpost and different for different folks. I think when we are very young, toddlers really, there is no such concept even. When we become a little bigger, middle childhood basically, I think success is doing well what gives happiness to our primary carers. Parents mostly. Could also be grandparents, teachers or anybody who cares enough. In the adolescent world, teenage basically, i think the need to find acceptance with peer groups, friends, classmates drives most of our definition of success. If we "fit-in" and seem "Cool" to our group, then it's success for us. As we get to the young adult phase, probably the more productive stage, i think success is defined more by the broader society we live in. More so, the group we believe we have a common mindset with. However, i think...