20210705 : 3pm torture

Around 3:00pm is my daily torture and I dread it.

It's the time they give me half a glass of juice or water orally for swallowing. Half a spoon at a time.

Every day I secretly hope that they have forgotten, but the glass emerges without fail.

Every spoon, or every other attempt, the fluid aspirates (goes into the wind pipe), causing violent cough and a very painful struggle. After the nightmare for sometime, comes the next spoonful and I have to open the mouth, knowing fully well what follows next.

Most days I have to stop after a few spoons as it's unbearable.

After this, I swear to myself that I won't go through this torture again and send harsh messages to my wife that I will not undergo this (self inflicted torture) daily and not to give anything next day...

Next day, is another day, and like someone seeking pleasure in pain, I go about it all over again, with a small hope that this day might be better forgetting what yesterday was like...

PS: before I can trust in God, trust in the good luck, trust in miracles, etc. 

I do trust in reality. I have had a brain stem stroke, and brain stem controls and is responsible for all automatic functions like swallowing, breathing, etc.

I haven't given up hope yet. But it's a verrry small hope and it has a verrry uphill task...