Mind of my Stroked Brain

I don't usually follow groups and comments online. I mostly can't - since I don't access any social media sites. Once in a while, I get some click through links from somewhere and I end up reading/ browsing or someone shares something on the group I am on and get to read. I feel the highest rated - like the top oxymoron of the 21st century is "I know how you are feeling". Or a step further "I know exactly how you are feeling". The thing is - nobody can feel exactly how anybody is feeling. Some folks - like minded, similar situations may be able to relate better, but cannot feel (and think) how someone else feels and thinks.  If they have to feel and think the same way, they have to be that person - not sufficient to wear their shoes and imagine. So, by extension, if someone/ anyone is doing something for me, it it the based on what they think and feel and act in the best way accordingly.  If I expect something else, there will be a gap.  The gap is cre...

Some days back, my TV broke. No, it did not break down. It broke! Period! When I was in the hospital, my nurses took turns alternate days to stay at the hospital. One of them, one of the days, thought it was a good idea (and it was a good idea), to open all the windows and air the room. We get very high winds in this apartment. It's especially high if  windows are open on both sides due to cross winds. The TV is in front of one of the windows. Like an open sail, it caught the wind and tipped over. These LED TVs are very light also. So basically it committed suicide. The screen/ panel looked like a windshield of a head-on collision. I was not sure what to do. I definitely needed a TV. I would surely go insane without one. The last time I had needed to get this model repaired, it took months and they had given up - unable to get the parts for this model. They had given a replacement as it was still under warranty. So, getting it fixed, was out of the question. I had to buy one. Again...

When I come to the hospital, I think about dying. The isolation in ICU helps. Not mine (well that also), but dying in general. Anyway I as usual worked up the mind about what has become, the physical struggle etc etc and finally got to the same ending. How to end it!. After several permutations and combinations same result. I can't see it through. Not now. Definitely not alone. So I wondered who would help me.  Nobody I can think of. I can understand the simple reason. It's classified Suicide. Its not allowed in this land by law. For argument's sake, if the law didn't restrict, could I enlist someone. It's still next to impossible. it is labelled "Suicide". Suicide is "bad" Everything from God to fear of bad karmas will stop anyone from helping. From what I understand, anything related to God and karma and rebirth is because everyone wants to have a better chance at liberation. We have taken it as truth - whether read from books or spoken etc.  B...

I feel, every type of place evokes certain types of feelings. It also makes us think a certain style. Ex, we can be at a school - and feel one way.  Or be at an airport - and feel different emotions. Similarly - hospitals. Our behaviour changes, we speak softer maybe, a little more sensitive to how others may feel - perfect strangers. We won't usually feel that way if we saw the same folk in a park. It usually evokes very deep questions about things too. When we see somebody else suffering, we think what would I do in that situation. We find some answers. Convincing or otherwise. Of course, few hours later, the scene changes, emotions change, mood changes and that train of thought gets derailed and fades. Of course I have the luxury of being in the space. And the luxury of time. In the ICU, its even more stark. Nobody is allowed to disturb us. No phones, no TV, no nothing. You only have the company of thoughts. As this is a hospital. The destinations for the trains are already set....

I can be a very irritating fellow. I don't have to do anything extra. I just have to be myself. For example, I sympathise with the X-ray person. All of them. They bring the portable x-ray machine to my bed. He will elevate the bed, prop me up. He can't do this alone. He needs to ask someone to help drag me forward and place the x-ray plate behind my back. It takes time to get it right, Position it correctly. Remove the support pillows - so it is a clear view. Then the x-ray camera itself. It moves in all the 3 axes. Much like a dentists light. Adjust the distance, adjust the flaps to get the right area focus the beam right. Then he realises my head is drooping. Its blocking some of the area. "Sir, lift your head up". Of course I will start the irritation process. I can't lift it up and hold it. He will think he found the problem. The pillow under the head. He will remove it and help lift the head. The saliva that has pooled in my throat will tip into the wind pipe...

Yesterday morning, one of my old physical rehab doctors - their head of the department actually, visited me in the morning. He did a cursory assessment lifting each limb, pressing the various muscles and hopefully understood what he can only understand. After all that, he told me that my PEG tube was looking very bad and I should get it replaced. I thought about it. It seemed like a genuine advice. The first time it was replaced after 14 months. Its already 16 months since, and it is looking bad. I thought about it. I am already in the hospital. Yes I am recovering from pneumonia, but I am doing nothing else. Besides, lungs are pulmonology department and stomach is gastro department. Shouldn't interfere much. So I sent a message to his assistant to go ahead. You can't change the pipe when the tank is full. So yesterday night was the last feed. I was kept on empty stomach after with IV fluids only. This morning they wheeled me down to the gastro procedure room. There are 4 of th...

Normally at home, I mostly watch news channels. All of them are live streaming channels on YouTube. Every so often they boast how good they are, how they are top rated, or the fastest to break the news etc. Or sometimes some political cartoon, some pandemic message or somebody screaming how important it is to act now to save the planet. Thing is, these are the times they don't know what to do. Their real counterparts are showing advertisments and earning money. But they don't want to show the ads on streaming channels as it becomes free on another medium. The brand's don't want to pay for the online counterparts because well - there isn't enough viewership online. So I get to enjoy these "fillers". This room has a TV with a few of the same channels. The real deal! I feel like having seen a celebrity for real, having seen only on screens thus far.. Here I get the real deal. One lousy commercial after another. Repeated in succession . The illusion is broken....