Mind of my Stroked Brain

My Physiotherapist does a particular stretch everyday. He holds my right leg on his right shoulder, holds the knee with his left hand ( so that the leg doesn't bend), holds the foot with his right hand and presses the leg down. Releases it and repeats is few times. If I had voice, the neighbours would have surely complained! It stretches the hamstring, calf, achele's tendon and presses the hip down to the bed (it's a bit out of place) It is not a new routine. From my recollection, he has been doing it for last 1.5 years at least. For the initial many months, I could feel nothing. I used to be distracted with some other thoughts while he went about it. I used to be watching the process like a mannequin's leg being worked on. Now, when he gets to that part (yes, there is a complete pattern everyday), I keep telling myself to relax, but the mind goes bonkers. So what is this pain?  It is the same leg, same muscles and same stretch. The reason is straight forward - the neur

When I am trying to voice, my nurses will say "try louder". When I try to blow the candle, "blow harder, try harder". When I try to speak, "swallow and clear the throat". When I sit, it will be "sit straighter". Etc. Etc. No, I am not complaining. It's not like they are ordering me, they say it gently and I know they are only encouraging me. But I often wonder, What is it that we feel one is "willfully underperforming" first, as against feeling maybe it is "inability to perform". What would be assumed as one's incentive to do so? 

Some days, I feel very sleepy. Not the garden variety, it's the variety of "Tom" of "Tom and Jerry" fame struggling to keep his eyelids open and doesn't succeed even by propping them with matchsticks. It has no apparent reason - I won't be tired/ fatigued, I won't be unwell, I would have slept well prev night, no new routine, no change in diet, no nothing... I may be force-correlating, but I have noticed that soon after (next day types), either I have gained some new ability or lost something. Not any big things, very small, almost unnoticeable stuff. I think it is the brain doing some heavy lifting and wants to shut down everything else. To "hibernate" or run everything else in "power saving mode" I remember when I would get such urges before, I used to shake myself, wash my face, have a coffee, do something and go on... There must have been many times that the brain wanted to do something - and I never gave it a chance to... 

I have sometimes wondered, wouldn't it have been great if only some of the therapies we tried initially worked - like accupunture, sujok, some Ayurvedic medicines, miracle waters, miracle oils, etc.  I have also come across some other therapy or treatment and wondered would it have helped recovery faster. And I have wondered if there was some other treatment, therapy or miracle that we never came across that would have done the trick and hastened the process. Over a long period, I have realised it would have been futile. Every one of them (I think), either worked on some targeted part, the brain or the entire thing - all body. However, the mind was not yet ready or prepared. I don't think any of it would have worked. And I don't think I could have hurried it along as well. It had to go through everything it went through to be here today. I don't know if it has reached a point of preparedness to stop crawling, start to walk, walk faster, jog, run or sprint. But it has to

Disclaimer : This is a controversial note. I am definitely neither for or against anything or anyone. I am not doing 'activism' on behalf of anyone either. It is just a thought that came when I was watching something, so I put it down. I apologise if any sentiment is offended for anyone. ____________________________________ For nature to propagate, Nature probably randomly created the female of the species. And the male was needed (equally randomly I guess) to complete the job.  Not "A" male but "Any" male. Some males end up as a meal after.. So what is marriage? I am guessing it is just an unwritten contact between two individuals driven by some sentiment towards each other. If that sentiment ends, the contact is voided and marriage ends. Very few other species experience that sentiment and stay together. I am guessing, as bigger groups of individuals started staying together, these individual contracts morphed into social contracts. As societies became lar

When I had the stroke, after I could realise what was happening, I found the doctors come every morning and pinch me or create some pain/ discomfort at various places and ask me if could feel it. These were days I could move only the eyes vertically . Couldn't even move them sideways. I was instructed to "look up" for 'yes' and "look down" for 'no'. So there was a lots of looking up. Unfortunately, there was no follow up question "does it pain". So I was easy game every morning. Also, the limited vocabulary didn't allow me to give a full response. The actual response would have been - "yes", "but it doesn't feel the same way as earlier. I can feel when you touch me. But I can't feel the pressure. The touch at the skin level doesn't feel like it used to. If we fall asleep on the hand, and wake up, the hand is numb. If someone touches us, we can feel. But it is a wierd feeling. That's how it feels"

When I think of everything, and do a rough mental math - I cannot do roughly 96% of the things generally done by folks everyday. But there are 4% of the things I am able to do. Browsing and reading things I want to. Using WhatsApp and email to write stuff I want to express and communicate with others. Put on the TV and see what I feel like seeing. Browsing and buying stuff I feel like. Etc., Etc. A short while back, I could do none of those things... Mind and Memory continuously conspire to make me forget the treacherous past and lose focus on the things going well to make the future miserable. "Glass half empty v/s being half full" is a saying I have come across countless times in all situations in my life earlier. Understanding the words is very different from comprehending and appreciating it experientially...