Mind of my Stroked Brain

Some days back, I had ordered something from BigBasket (an online grocery store). I usually use Amazon, but they didn't have what I was looking for. As it was the first time using BigBasket, I was not conversant with everything and ended up with a delivery slot of 6-9am next day. Sure enough, I was in my physio, and my mobile rang. The normal sequence I am used to is - my mobile rings once or twice (that's the delivery agent), then the landline rings (that's the security calling to ask permission to let someone up), then the doorbell rings (delivery agent again) and my dog barking like mad. Then the delivery is complete for my mind. This time however, after my phone rang a few times, nothing happened next. When I got my phone later - there was a note from BigBasket that my order was reprocessed due to no response and would be delivered in the evening between 5-8pm. I assumed it was a different process with BigBasket and they won't go ahead if the mobile is not answered

When I got to some ability to comprehend (about 4-5 weeks), I was told I had a stroke. (I am sure everyone would have told me earlier too - but nothing would have gone in) Everyone around me had that lead time to do any research, understand it in detail and know the details of what had happened to me. I on the other hand, knew the the summary - "I had a stroke". Generally aware and informed about many things, but I had spent my entire lifetime being ignorant about this aspect. I had absolutely no idea what a stroke is. So I knew I had a stroke. But I was perplexed as to what had really happened to me. On some instances in the past, when someone had said someone had a stroke, I had just assumed it was something with the heart. I had never bothered to find out more about it. Then I was told I had a surgery and they removed a colt from the brain. I found it hard to understand as I couldn't see any visible bandages or scars on my head (or near the heart). If they had to opera

Everyday I hit the wall... Several times... Suppose I went to the gym. And the instructor asked me to use an equipment that was not in the gym. I would be wondering how to? That was how the first couple of months was. Everyone asking me to do something - and I had no clue what was being asked. My head had no idea what or how to do anything with the body. Every question was "out of syllabus"! It's the first stage for my muscles - the feeling of not having any. Then, after a long time, I went to the same gym. I was asked to do the dumbbells. Something I could see and hold. Except they were 50kgs I couldn't move it. Incredibly "Weak" was the feeling. That was the second stage - where I could feel it, know what to do - but just couldn't do it. After sometime, same gym. I was given 5kg dumbbells - and asked to lift it 100 times. I could lift 5kgs easily. But beyond a dozen times or so, just could not continue. I could hold it, I could lift it, but had no endu

Before I had my stroke, I was reasonably healthy and had a reasonable muscle tone. After the stroke, due to being absolutely immobile (muscle wasting), in about 8 weeks, I was reduced to skin and bones. It was horrible to see myself (I could only see my legs then). Seemed like only the skeleton! But I was not very much concerned. Even though I was very concerned about how my body had become - I was not very worried. Besides, I knew how to build back muscles. I would do the same after I got ok (this was when I believed in the 'some months' version of I'll get ok). What I was secretly proud of was my teeth set. Except for 1 cavity in the back of a molar (which was not visible from the front - in my defense), I hadn't had to go to the dentist for anything else in my adult life (except when I was a very young boy - pre teens stuff). I had quite a neat, well aligned, well maintained teeth set. It took some time after the stroke for the muscle wasting to happen and turn me to

I think it takes a lot to write. Not effort (well that also, but I think that is the least bit). I am not referring to some lofty things - just basic conversation stuff. When one speaks to someone, if they feel they are not conveying something correctly, one can rephrase, use different words, change their tone, use a different body language, etc. Basically explain themselves better. However, when one writes, they have to get it right the first time. Use the right words and convey things right.  Many times, one won't get a response. Can't really know if the message was conveyed, what thoughts in provoked or what emotions it evoked. Once the arrow has left the bow, no taking it back. Just have to hope that the aim was right. With time, everyone gets better at this. I also think it takes courage. Many times, when one speaks to someone, over time - words fade, memories twist and one can always say that they didn't mean it that way. Worse, one can absolutely deny having said som

Today I got a TV in the room. The broken one is still not working. They couldn't get some parts so they will replace the whole TV. This is a temporary arrangement. So that concludes my hearing experiment formally. It has been almost 4 weeks. Good enough I suppose... Here are the results... Procedure: Put on music/ songs that I am very familiar with, a bit loudly on my phone. Keep the phone closer to the right ear. Plug the left ear as tightly as I can. Close the eyes and listen. Do the above as many times as possible everyday. Observations: Unfortunately, I did not do a baseline correctly. But on a scale of 0 - 10, I would peg it between 0 and 0.5 before I started. Some unintelligible noises would come through intermittently and feebly and there was a constant shrill sound (like the one we would get from a picture tube tv with no signal) After 4 weeks of the listening, I think I can peg it at 3.5 - 4. The background noise is still there - but has changed from the shrill noise to so

Every day is the same... Get up, physio, bath, sitting and standing, oral feeding, shift on to the wheelchair, exercises, shift back to bed and change, sleep. Peppered inbetween with feeds and lying in bed with the mobile.   I am tired and frustrated of it.  I have often felt like giving up... Yet I continue and go to the next day and do the same things. I have wondered why? Why do I do it? What is the reason behind it? I know I am not very weak. But even that strength is not enough for this living. This existing... I think it is more out of "fear". I am terrified of it actually. Continuing like this remainder of the life. Not fear of dying. I think I have crossed that. It's "fear" of living. If I give up and stop doing stuff, it doesn't mean it will end. I will be just fed and kept alive like a vegetable. It will only prolong the misery. For me and everyone else. I am terrified of that... I remember seeing in National geographic/Animal planet many times. A