Mind of my Stroked Brain

One of the very first and very hard things I had to deal with after the stroke was "letting go" . I am not talking only about attachment to things, pretty much everything. Out of all this, the hardest was letting go of "preferences"... Preference for so many things. What I wanted, what I liked and mostly how I wanted things to be done! I didn't consider myself to be very pedantic with many preferences or a "micro manager". Once I couldn't speak, or move and influence how things were done, boy was I in for a surprise! I pity the folks who worked with me earlier... That was really very hard. Letting go... pretty much everything if I had to put the mind to some semblance of rest. It is coming back gradually on some matters as my ability to convey (written of course) is getting better. I have to keep reminding myself to avoid falling into that trap... Can't say I succeed everytime... I was thinking about it though. Letting go of things is a natural

A very amusing experience yesterday. ~ 7:00pm. When I am given a bath, after cleaning the face, hands, chest, abdomen, legs , etc., I am turned to the side (left side) so that the back and backside can be cleaned. After cleaning, washing, wiping, applying cream, massage, powder (phew! feels like a spa for the backside!).  Anyway, after all that, they insert a bedsheet (drawsheet) below me from the back and I am turned to the other side to pull the bedsheet out. In recent times I have been trying to kind of help with this - basically I try my best to turn myself. Haven't really succeeded bur try anyway. To turn around, I have to put down and exert force on my left elbow down on the bed . Yesterday was the same. Except, I had managed to get the PEG tube underneath the elbow. I don't have such fine sensations in my arm, so couldn't make it out. So I turned to the other side - sans the PEG tube which was lying stranded below the elbow. Here I was lying in the middle of a bath,

From earlier this year, the war/ conflict between Russia and Ukraine broke out. Conflicts and wars are nothing new to the globe. One is happening all the time somewhere... We are usually fairly insulated from them but for the graphic content on TV trying their best to sensationalise. It usually is localised to the geography and we turn a blind eye. It's insensitive but it is reality. The next days bring with it the next news item as a flavour of the day. This one is different. We are all feeling the impacts - whether it is energy , economy and inflation or food shortages or something else. But that is not the war the world has entered. It is a war we have all entered without realising. After world war II, Germany had a very subdued defence policy , external outlook and defence spending. Same with Japan. They were one of the softest with defence spending and foreign outlook.. but that has changed... Since the conflict has broken out, (i) it has emboldened many countries (ii) it has

I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my mother. I love my sister. I love my close friends. I love my family. I love many.... I love my dog. I used to love my cats . I love all animals. I used to love my bike. I love many other things. However, there is very little I can do to care... People, animals, things... Loving is not the same as caring... I know everyone, everything needs caring. I can only express love but I am not able to care ..  I am not sure if I am right, loving is something I can do for my sake and caring is something I can do for others.. I think as a society we have slowly moved from being a caring society to a loving society.. Everyone loves everything very much but there is limited anyone can care. I think it is not very individual as well . As a society we have moved to a model of everything being linked to economic success. Stuff like service, fulfillment, contentment and other such parameters don't fit in easily. Even if we want to, the structure of our lives

I was recently watching something on TV regarding strong man. Involved someone pulling a plane with their hands. There are many others similar I have seen in the past - lifting very heavy stuff, lifting a very heavy stone, lifting and throwing a log , etc. etc. In my younger days, I did regular exercises and played sports to be strong. I think it was not exactly to be strong but not to be and feel weak. I can't recollect any incident where I have been picked on or bullied to feel that way, but somehow it was always on the back of the mind that I shouldn't be or become weak. Over years, the sports came down but was replaced by gym, yoga, etc . After my stroke, there were many many things to deal with but this was a significant one first up - to feel weak. To accept I am weak. Lying in bed not able to move a finger ... I was thinking about this a lot after, what is strength?   I am very sure there are many definitions and everyone will also have their own - this is what I thought

I keep hearing the word "inflation" a hundred times everyday..  what is it? A meal has the same value it did last year, as now, as next year. A meal is an example, but everything in the world I think - nothing changes in value. Yes it costed less last year, costing something now and very very likely it will cost more next year. What is really happening is that the meal is not changing value (and becoming expensive), instead money is losing value and a meal is becoming expensive... The truth is the value of goods change. But I feel the intrinsic change of value is very minimal compared to increase in value because of price increase due to drop in money value. I know - there are probably tons and tons written about this and millions of books, but "inflation" is something I struggle to get my head around. Why do we have inflation? Why is money losing value? I am not very sure about this, but feel the main reason is because we have printed so much of it. I mean - anybod

I usually get a better than average service/ experience on chat support, when I reach out for support on various platforms. I usually also get a reasonably warm response when I reach out to someone (completely unknown) , regarding anything. It is not like it used to be unpleasant earlier. It is not overt or evident, but I can sense the difference in treatment from earlier to now. The warmth can be felt. Usually when I interact with someone, I don't tell them my condition. It is a "sorry" card I possess with me. An ace up my sleeve. When I see the need for it, I play the sorry card. After that, I am usually guaranteed a win... Or genuine attempt by whoever to help.  I have often wondered if I am manipulative. I agree, I walk very much in the grey area with this, but I can confidently say I have not said anything untrue till now. I choose to reveal the information if needed - knowing fully well it usually disarms the opponent.  Basically I know I am severely disabled. But I