Mind of my Stroked Brain

For a very long time, the mind didn't want to fight. It was too daunting a fight. It surrendered without any resistance... But the body, as it couldn't work with the mind, could be kept alive anyway - artificially. Then the mind realised this was a very different fight. Surrendering does nothing really. The enemies are surrounding everytime, but they are doing nothing after. They are just waiting around for the mind to perish. After a while, the mind, mostly out of frustration and boredom of nothing really happening, decided to stand ground and not trying to keep running. However, the body is not doing anything. Well, that's not right, it's doing things - just not doing things fast enough for the mind.  The mind is feeling the body is not being a team player. Not carrying it's share of weight (literally). I hope they get along and do the task on hand and finish the job. I am worried they might have a falling out and the mind will decide to try running away again...

Some days back, I had ordered something from BigBasket (an online grocery store). I usually use Amazon, but they didn't have what I was looking for. As it was the first time using BigBasket, I was not conversant with everything and ended up with a delivery slot of 6-9am next day. Sure enough, I was in my physio, and my mobile rang. The normal sequence I am used to is - my mobile rings once or twice (that's the delivery agent), then the landline rings (that's the security calling to ask permission to let someone up), then the doorbell rings (delivery agent again) and my dog barking like mad. Then the delivery is complete for my mind. This time however, after my phone rang a few times, nothing happened next. When I got my phone later - there was a note from BigBasket that my order was reprocessed due to no response and would be delivered in the evening between 5-8pm. I assumed it was a different process with BigBasket and they won't go ahead if the mobile is not answered

I feel we all have two minds. Two types actually. One is like a race car, an aeroplane, or a horse. They can go fast and in all directions. There can be many of this type too... Acting simultaneously. How many depends on what we can afford to have and maintain. But there is only one of the driver, the pilot or charioteer.  He holds the reigns and keeps the horses in control and in step. The horses have a tendency to run amok otherwise. And they very much do so if not controlled by him. We may have the best horses. But the direction the chariot moves and how far it goes is however entirely dependent on how good the charioteer is. As I put this down, I can't decipher which one is writing. Is it the charioteer thinking and the horse typing. Or are they both horses and the charioteer is someone else...

This is just me venting... So, I apologise for it in advance. I have in the recent past Written something about most folks hitting a crisis of sorts at some stage. We rarely sense it creeping up and are mostly hit by surprise. It is probably a slow diminishing of faculties, both physical and the mind, coupled with some incident. I am thinking the gradual-ness of the process somewhat cushions the impact and gives the mind certain time to adjust to it slowly. Unfortunately in my case, it was an overnight thing. I slept usually and woke up in a different reality. The mind had no time to adjust. Also, there was no damage to the mind (fortunately or unfortunately) so every detail of the struggle, both self and others around was fully perceivable. And as if to add insult to injury, i could not express what I was going through or what I was feeling for 18 months. I felt like I was a pressure cooker with no pressure valve. From then on, I have been rambling (on whatsapp) as much as I can, lett

I am not very sure what this note is about... Wrote it over a few days so all over the place. But here it is anyway... Many times in the past few months, I have often thought about what I keep writing about and so frequently. The frequent bit is quite straightforward for me to understand. I have stayed too long with no means to express anything and even now, since it's so frustrating to not speak, I just spew things unhindered on whatsapp. Even though I have usually been very sparse earlier. But what I write about are both varied and slightly deep by my usual standards. So how did it happen? The stroke did not affect my thought patterns (brain stem has nothing to do with thinking). If anything I have lost a few memories, nothing else. I have wondered several times what it is.... This is my theory: Space. Not physical space but Mind space. For almost 18 months, all I could do is think. After the initial turmoil, that's all I could do.  So the natural thing to conclude is that I

My right hand fingers sometimes fold and become rigid and its impossible to straighten them till it relaxes on its own .. some of you who have battled with it know what i  am talking abt. It has increased a lot nowadays, both frequency and intensity. The nurses try to battle with it often...  Now , i have 2 nurses. One is very sloppy with everything she does and the other is ok.  When the sloppy one tries to make it straight, she just can't. On the contrary when she tries, the fingers shrivel up further and close up tighter. It doesn't happen so with othe other. It just gives a usual fight, wins some and loses some... Now i know what we feel, that I'm mentally biased and so the hand behaves accordingly.. that's the logical explanation. However, the signals are not even making it to the mind/brain. If it did, i'd be able to move it voluntarily... My MEP test established that . So who is making the decision for my hand on how to react? Does the body have a mind of its