20220806 : real or manufactured

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Most of the times I am ok, calm and composed. It's like the surface of the smooth running river. That doesn't mean there are no turbulent currents below the surface.

I don't think about what happened, how did it happen, why me, etc., etc. I haven't been immune to those thoughts - I just have moved on from them.

The thoughts that haunt me often is what next. There are too many of those in different varieties. Every day is very long and very short. Very long as it is struggle to get through. Very short as there is no variation. Every hour is predetermined and every day exactly like yesterday.

In short, my biggest worry is not that I will have some problem/ issue etc and it will all come to an end. My worst nightmare is that I will have a very long life.

I don't think about it consciously. The thoughts attack the mind stealthily. It could get triggered with something completely unrelated, but It's too late to do much afterwards once it gets there.

My mind goes into anxiety and panic attacks. Physically - not much can be seen (like a bout of hysteria shown in TV soaps) - I probably would bring it out if I could. Luckily I spare folks around me since I can't .

But it is in these moments I feel a need for a God. Maybe a real God or any one of the Manufactured Gods we have known grown up with.

In the moment of anxiety/ panic/ despair - it is so much easier to believe there is someone else with a plan and I am just playing my part in it. How it all makes sense and comes together is not my responsibility to worry about or figure out.

The flip side is to go with the belief that it is a chance/ luck/ coincidence. Basically deal with all the consequences for which you didn't make the decisions/ were not involved in the decision making process. It is a very wretched and helpless feeling.

In the corporate world equivalent: it is so much easier being an employee - however hard the job. There is always a boss to kick the issues up to. Very less to worry about.

 But if you own and run the business, the buck stops with you. You are accountable for everything - good or bad.

I am not saying there is a God or not. I am just saying that I am finding the former is easier to go with in these times. It is very easy to say - I will deal with everything myself, but when the s*** hits the fan, it comes out - like a drowning person holding on to a straw, hoping it will miraculously save them.

I have read both sides of the argument - in various forms. I had understood a need for a God from a social perspective . However have been exposed to the need at a very personal level as well. Real or manufactured....

Comments

  1. Anonymous6/8/22 18:54

    Hi Sreekanth, I chanced upon the link for your blogs on FB today and I am so grateful to see and hear from you.

    In your profile, you say "I was a regular bloke" but to me you were a Superman, an All-rounder of sorts. When I first met you in Infosys, I thought you are CEO material with so much energy, intelligence, power. I was heartbroken when I heard news about you as regular blokes like me look up to you for inspiration and success stories. That's why I was grateful to see you were back in business with your blogs although I can also feel the pain of a seemingly endless ordeal. I also observe how you are highlighting the paradox of life (Living with death or the example of the one year old child). So, its kind of mixed feelings right now but I strongly believe that life itself finds a way. Life itself is God.
    - Sanjeev

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sreekanth6/8/22 19:45

    Thank you very much Sanjeev. Nice to hear from you here. "Life itself is God" - very interesting perspective...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous8/8/22 20:28

    Good things happen to good people. Do not lose hope. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.. Think positive and you will attract it! We are all praying for you! 🌼

    ReplyDelete
  4. Vinod KD9/8/22 12:10

    I do this too - appeal to a God. And for things like "my kids are not studying as well as I'd like them to", or "the house is mess again" or "I didnt get promoted". Why? It'd be great if these problems went away, for sure. And then I rationalize and realize: its a coping mechanism. like stress eating (which I do too). So its ok to want a God, I think. I'm not particularly religious (havent been to a temple with any regularity, even for the food) but when I'm even mildly discomfited, I do appeal to the appropriate one (the hindu pantheon is great in that way - a god for every malaise/situation we have :) ). Some of us (like me) take out loans of this support as needed, some others do SIP-style daily/weekly/monthly/yearly rituals in advance. Either way it provides the solace we need, I think. So partake as much of whatever coping mechanism. As I grow old, I realize that we only have be accountable to ourselves, eventually. If it works for you, it must be good!

    Also, ignore whatever others might say that will not work for you. Eg: I wanted to go to the temple and do something on the 1st death anniversary of my grandmother. I told this to a friend and he immediately started calculating the exact day that I should go (adjusting for US vs India star alignment) and then finally told me I couldnt do anything because i was a grandchild, not a child. I went anyway, spent some time at the temple and came back.That was enough. Do what's enough for you! +1 on the "life is god" sentiment.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous10/8/22 13:23

    Perhaps a separate post on God (real or manufactured) is required. Would be great to read your throughs on that. Amrit

    ReplyDelete

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