20220426 : the bitterness within...

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I have shared sometime back about my current thinking about God.

When I was young, maybe till end of school, God was what was told all along by everyone around and there was a faith. Blind maybe, but there was a belief. The usual visits to temples, rituals, ceremonies, etc. There was a sort of unquestioning compliance if you will.

I think in college days, it was a very distracted time and distanced/ avoided topic. I think some kind of faith existed but was neither expressed or relied upon.

I think early adulthood - maybe a decade and half at least, there was no belief or questioning. Just leading a life seperated from such beliefs. I think this was also the time when a lot of rationality and practicality set in.

Maybe 3-4 years before my stroke, a sort of curiosity and questions arose. None of them found an answer but it made me pursue things and stuffs that are usually grouped under the broad definition of "spiritual" pursuits.

And then my stroke happened. Many thoughts and questions have arisen and dwindled since then.

I currently think there is no God - the traditional, usual and religious way he/she is thought of.

If a God (a superior power) does exist, they will not be incharge of earth only but the entire cosmos as we know it. It is very very unlikely that God/ power would be concerned about just 1 planet amongst the several billion star systems and several trillion planets in it. In that 1 planet, it is very very unlikely that that God/ power will be concerned about only 1 species amongst several hundreds of thousands. Within that 1 species, there will be a plan and orchestration of lives for every one amongst the 7.x billion.

So the rational mind has accepted that there is no plan, every circumstance is a random consequence of the previous set of random consequences. It has let go of beliefs and faiths and such things and thoughts.

However, every once in a while (it used to be a lot more frequent earlier), somebody says something to me in the lines of "Have faith in God and everything will become ok"...

And I cringe....

While I don't feel it bodily, I can feel the mind knotting up. It's a very subtle feeling but it is definitely there.

I don't get upset with whoever says such things, but there is a subtle adverse reaction to the thought in the mind.

The rational mind - which I assume is the conscious mind, has accepted things and moved on.

But the irrational mind - which I assume is the subconscious/ unconscious part, probably still harbours a certain bitterness with some version of God.

What will it take for the subconscious to let go... Maybe time will heal it. Maybe some other event will influence it and the conscious mind. I don't know...

I am just hoping that the thoughts from the mind part of the mind seeps down to the heart part of the mind soon so that bitterness is removed...

Comments

  1. Anonymous8/5/22 03:26


    Sreekanth. Man, the articulation and the clarity with which you have expressed the state of mind and feelings in relation to experience. Brilliant guru. Brings back a flood of thoughts and memories. Memories about the visits to the 9th cross temple, the naivety with which we used to visit. The conversations on these lines with Benne and the rest of the group. Some discussions on god with Bhimu. The introduction of Vivekanada to me by Benne”s dad Sitaram uncle. It has been a journey and a quest. More often a matter of convenience of thought more than anything else, at least for me. Your thoughts and experience, especially the separation of two layers and the feeling of bitterness. Awesome magaa. Keep posting guru.
    PPK.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous8/5/22 06:09

    Very interesting topic…. I think about it often myself and you maybe right. It’s a very deep topic worth pondering.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sreekanth9/5/22 09:00

    I remember the temple visits and the talks with benne and Bhimu 🙂

    ReplyDelete

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