Mind of my Stroked Brain

I hear news of someone who has passed all the time. It is sad news no doubt - about anyone. It is indeed even more sad for the immediate family who have had a lot of closeness with the person who has passed. It is especially tragic when it was an accident or unexpected and sudden. However, when it is a reasonably old person or somebody having a illness and has suffered for a long time passing - why do we feel sad? I certainly don't rejoice and feel happy about it, but I don't feel sad either. If I know they were not well and suffering from a while, a part of me actually feels good and a sense of relief for the person. Why do folks go out of the way to retain/ hold back someone if they are not ok or suffering and arguably have had a full life. I don't know if I am cruel to think/ feel this way... If we have a long life, anyway it is still a flash in the pan in real terms of the universe and time...

I have looked at the "glass half empty" a lot. I have also genuinely looked at it "half full".  However, It is truly hard to continue to maintain that view of 50:50 when you know the glass is filled very little and there is a lot of empty space and nothing new is pouring in...

I have been asked by many earlier to start practicing writing with my left hand. I think the last time I tried it was a year ago. I realised writing was far, I couldn't even hold the pencil. That was the when I had stopped. I was asked again a few days back - this time by my SLP therapist. I would have ignored it again, but I was given additional logic that it will help the balance of functioning of both sides of the brain and help recovery. The skeptic in me spoke to me pointing out that there was nothing wrong with my brain (both sides) and it was far below in the brain stem. I finally thought - what is there to lose, some more entertainment during the day sometime. So I ignored the skeptic. The poor experience of the attempt last year was not completely forgotten. I decided to take baby steps before running. I ordered a "join the dots" book. It was advertised as "for ages 3-4 years". I thought - sounds right. I am 3½ years into the stroke. I got it yesterday...

When I joined my job, it was a very fast growing industry and there were shortages everywhere. Most importantly resources/ manpower/ people for everything. Naturally we became experts in "winging it". Basically not experts in much but a very versatile in picking up anything very fast and "on the job". "High Learnability" was the term coined for it. Recently, a few of my ex-colleagues (very good friends now) had caught up and discussing many of these gory but exciting battle stories. Needless to say, I am seasoned at this and identifying "Learnability" in people. Our industry has decelerated quite a bit. Its still expanding - but has decelerated quite a bit. All the "fresh" folks now have 2-3 decades under their belts and they are going nowhere soon! Another industry that is going through the same expansion is in healthcare (disease care as somebody has said).  There are approximately 400,000 arrivals everyday and only 185,000 departures...

I am active online - everything from information to finance apps to shopping. I have the most issues with online purchases. However, every one of them I have managed to sort out and get resolved with the likes of Amazon, Myntra, swiggy, bigbasket, etc. They all have good customer service on chat. However, I dread having any sort of issues with financial services (banks especially). Most of them don't have a chat based customer service. Some of them do - but very limited with what can be done as it is invariably a chatbot. One of my accounts is marked dormant/ inactive because it was not operated after my stroke for a long time. It was made inactive before I could become active online. No matter how I try - email etc. I invariably get told I have to call some number or go to the branch. I understand the heightened rigor. We don't want them to get lax in banks. However, I do wonder - surely I am not the only mute fellow in the world. How does everyone deal with the invariable wal...

In the past few days/ weeks, I have been watching a lot of videos regarding mathematics concepts. Don't ask me why, I don't know why it started but I have not been able to stop. Nothing complex, very basic stuff... I have not considered myself very good with mathematics but neither have I considered myself bad with it either. I have been 'ok' all through - have had no love or aversion towards it. Over the last few days, I have realised how bad I am at it. I can still use it effectively, but I have had no idea what I am doing. Needless to say, that is how we were taught growing up and we never bothered to find out either. In case we were curious, who would we have asked anyway.... Over the last few days, I have been devouring the concepts. Everytime, it has been a revelation to me with a feeling of "oh boy! That is what I was doing all along!" There are a few favourites of mine as well - whose stuff I keep going back to. All free of course. I am sure there are ...

Most of the times I am ok, calm and composed. It's like the surface of the smooth running river. That doesn't mean there are no turbulent currents below the surface. I don't think about what happened, how did it happen, why me, etc., etc. I haven't been immune to those thoughts - I just have moved on from them. The thoughts that haunt me often is what next. There are too many of those in different varieties. Every day is very long and very short. Very long as it is struggle to get through. Very short as there is no variation. Every hour is predetermined and every day exactly like yesterday. In short, my biggest worry is not that I will have some problem/ issue etc and it will all come to an end. My worst nightmare is that I will have a very long life. I don't think about it consciously. The thoughts attack the mind stealthily. It could get triggered with something completely unrelated, but It's too late to do much afterwards once it gets there. My mind goes into...

Over the last couple of years, almost everyone who has met me or interacted with me has given encouraging words of some form. Whether it is family, friends, carers, doctors, therapists, etc - almost everyone. The encouragement is many kinds but at the core of it, there will be an underlying message of "don't give up hope, God is there". Not in those same words, but something to that effect. I am not a God believer in the traditional sense. Neither am I a pure atheist . I am kind of a trishanku (tri-state) fellow. Kind of hedging my bets both ways I guess. Now, I certainly know everyone is meaning well and I ignore that part of the encouragement. However, I don't know how if a purist atheist will receive it. It is not possible for everyone, but I think it is important for folks in the healthcare world (doctors, therapists etc.) to understand the belief/ source of strength for their patients. Funny thought - our hospital file should have a tick box saying: God believer ...

I am not sure how to convey this. It is pure feelings and very hard to convey in words. Will give it a go anyway... Most of my life, I have been somebody who has been on the cautious and risk adverse side of things. While it has been very handy to do many things, I have seen many drawbacks with it - not being easy on change, scared of eventualitiy, procrastination, etc amongst many other things. I think it is a bit of instinct for self preservation and avoiding risks. Scared for life.  "Living to live", for the lack of knowing how else to put it. After the stroke and many months of wanting to pull the plug or hoping somehow the plug gets pulled, I have realised it is not going to happen. Even if I had the plug in my own hands, I am not very sure of being able to pull it myself now. Over the last 2 or so years, I have seen a change in the mind. I certainly don't want to claim I am not scared anymore and rearing to take risks, but certainly the level of openness to such mat...

I feel this is a chicken and egg problem we are all facing. A spiral or getting everything getting harder and harder because of choice. Older generations didn't have much, they surely wanted more choices but they had a limited few. At the same time, the limited boundaries of choices I feel held them in a more favourable range of satisfaction/ contentment/ acceptance/ etc. As we have progressed in generations, technologies and developments have afforded us more choices in everything. At the same time I feel it has led to dissatisfaction/ non-acceptance/ discontentment/ etc. It is as if peace of mind is inversely proportional to the amount of choices anyone has...