20220803 : Living with death

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I am not sure how to convey this. It is pure feelings and very hard to convey in words. Will give it a go anyway...

Most of my life, I have been somebody who has been on the cautious and risk adverse side of things. While it has been very handy to do many things, I have seen many drawbacks with it - not being easy on change, scared of eventualitiy, procrastination, etc amongst many other things.

I think it is a bit of instinct for self preservation and avoiding risks.

Scared for life. 

"Living to live", for the lack of knowing how else to put it.

After the stroke and many months of wanting to pull the plug or hoping somehow the plug gets pulled, I have realised it is not going to happen. Even if I had the plug in my own hands, I am not very sure of being able to pull it myself now.

Over the last 2 or so years, I have seen a change in the mind. I certainly don't want to claim I am not scared anymore and rearing to take risks, but certainly the level of openness to such matters have increased. Notably, don't procrastinate much and infact I am impatient to get things done - I am sure at the cost of irritating others.

I guess it is coming from a very intimate understanding of the unpredictability of the next day and moment - forget medium and long term plans.

In a way I guess it has overridden that instinct for self preservation 

Getting to understanding "Living with Death" for lack of any other words...

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