20210218 : wretched living ...

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The most gut wrenching thing about my state is not the physical pain or discomfort. Its being absent from life and no being able to participate - every waking hour, minute, every moment...

Its been 2 years. My kids are growing up fast, my wife is doing everything alone, i moved back to India so i could take care of my parents ..

Everyone comes and tells me nothing exciting is happening and I'm missing nothing. I'm not looking for grand events, just simple daily stuff.. i know what im missing...

Everyday i turn on the tv and keep it loud deliberately so i don't hear anything from outside the room and to numb my mind. Its intolerable knowing what I'm missing.

I genuinely wish i didn't survive the stroke. My biggest horror is not that I'll die, but that I'll have a long life. If you have faith, i guess its easier to blame someone for it or belive its your own karma. Its horrible otherwise.

I have been ready for a long time now to end this misery for good. But i can't do anything. I know nobody around me will be ready to end it for me either.
I'm told being alive gives so much strength to everyone around me. What about me? Where to get strength to go on..

It feels very unfair that hundreds of thousands are going everyday and i am not getting my turn.. to be honest, that's the only hope i went to hospital last year with.. Was really hoping somehow I'd get the virus and in this condition, there was no chance of coming back. But it didn't happen. One more year is unbearable....



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