20220425 : what is the driver...

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What I have observed/ learnt over the last 3+ years, is that the body is extremely resilient. It has many many safety nets and emergency mechanisms to stop it from perishing unnaturally. It needs way more external interference or significant internal damage to give up.

But I have assumed that the mind is pretty finicky. It can make us do voluntary damage to the body and cause it to perish if it wanted to. Or be cheerful and make the body healthy and buoyant.

In the past, I have felt both. Felt like ending it - but unable to. Happy and still no difference to the body.

I have written in the past about finding meaning. Finding a purpose, etc. However, I have found nothing.

A few years ago, I used to be a compulsive planner. I used to have a plan for life and even a spreadsheet to boot. Didn't work that way did it.

I don't have anything to look forward to. It's not that I don't feel happy or sad or things like that. I feel all of it - more than necessary sometimes.

But I am not able to look forward to something or some event.

I am unable to have milestone goals, like "I want to see this or that happen". Eg "I want to see the kids go to college" or "graduate" etc . I will definitely be very happy to see all that, but it is not forming as a future milestone that I hope for to be able to witnesses.

I am assuming it was a very subtle and gradual process, but I don't know when the mind became this way.

What I have realised through this, is that when there are not too many expectations from the future, the mind also just reverts to what it needs to do to keep the being (body+mind) alive.

Some days are very long. It's the same time, but very very long. I get so tired and frustrated with the daily routine, I feel this is it. I will definitely lose it and I can't do this anymore.

But the next day, I do everything again. Physio, exercises, breathing exercises, etc.

I have often wondered, what is the driver for this behaviour? The mind has nothing to look forward to. The body anyway has not much to go on, yet it goes through the drill everyday.

What is driving it?

Does it unconsciously hope for something that I am unable to consciously understand. Does it subconsciously look forward to something that I consciously deny...

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